That Girl.

I never saw myself as being that girl in your family who was engaged and then out of nowhere was single.
I never wanted to be that girl you know who seems to be with a new guy every couple of months.
I never wanted to be that girl who you didn’t ever really know.
I wasn’t supposed to be that girl whose life did a total 360 in every way imaginable.
I don’t think of myself as that girl who people truly respect and honor.
I never thought people would see me as that girl they can rely on.
I always wanted to be that girl who was a young mother.
I want to be that girl who gets swept away by the most amazing guy anyone has ever met, and ever will meet.
I thought I’d never again be that girl who has to face a family reunion without her ‘other’ by her side.
I don’t want to be that girl who lets little things bother her.
I don’t want to be that girl who can’t make a decision.
I don’t want to be that girl who cries every time she watches Titanic.
I don’t want to be that girl who remembers each and every single hurt like it were yesterday.
I am not that girl you see walking around in any other style than her own.
I am not that girl who has bumper stickers (or for that matter, anything else that can be labeled with the same sort of “tacky”).
I am not that girl who doesn’t think about every single detail following any act someone else brings up.
I am not that girl who you can swing around emotionally.
I am that girl who would rather just snuggle in to a comfortable couch and watch a movie than anything else.
I am not that girl who is okay with someone ignoring her.
I am not that girl who will ever think it alright for any man I’m with to go to a strip club or anything along those lines.
I am that girl who will do things and count up items no one else ever would.
I am that girl who will pick apart every section of your life and attempt to determine what I will and will not live with.
I am that girl who waters her soda down – but hates ice. (It’s too cold)
I am that girl who needs someone/thing in her life which will just love her and not ask questions or try to fix every single freaking thing in her life. (Thus, my puppy, Ava)
I am not that girl who will play video games as a hobby.
I am not that girl who will ever settle on a hobby. (video games will never again be a hobby for me though.)
I am not that girl who is okay with people taking part in mindless activities.
I am not that girl who can handle silence in a room.
I am that girl who always wants the best.
I am that girl who will always try to make things better.
I am that girl who needs to express herself creatively.
I am that girl who does not like to be told what to think or how to handle situations.
I am that girl who is a planner, and the second anything changes must be told about the change.
I am that girl who listens to a lot of pop – and enjoys it.
I am that girl who will be slightly offended if you ever knock the music I pick out.
I am that girl who wants to live in England, and raise her children there.
I am that girl who it will take a whole lot more time until she can without hesitation think of herself as an ex-fiancée.
I am that girl who still thinks of herself as a fiancée every once in a while.
I am that girl who just the other day picked out a few details which weren’t settled for the wedding prior to the break-up (you know, bridesmaids dresses, cake, invitations, my bouquet… there was a lot left open.)
I am that girl who does not want to go to any family reunions ever again until she’s married.
I am that girl who can recall at the drop of a hat what happened this week last year.
I am that girl who still has no idea who she is or how she feels.
I am that girl though, who knows what she needs.

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Wounds Exposed

Is my life ever chill?

So much happens, of course, in a few days but sometimes you just want everything to stop. At which point, I get bored and beg for excitement again. Well, I’ve had my share of excitement for this week already.

Hello, heart. How are you doing? Twisted, amazed, bewildered, stunned, and still confused you say? Well, if that’s so – you should probably try to fix some of those. Oh – you’re trying to? That’s good. How do you think it’s going? Ah – yes, it is difficult but you have to stand up for yourself and really know what you need – I wish you luck.

Because I have such an issue with people who don’t keep their word (Words of Worth), I have the same standard for myself. I had to prove to myself on Monday night that I really can keep my word (to myself even!) even in the most difficult of situations. I had to look him in the eye and tell him something I will never again say, as it is something only he needed to know. I broke the silence we agreed upon, to keep my promise, to open another piece of me up to him – the man I don’t trust, just because he was standing right in front of me and I do still love and care for him. It hurt me to do this, but I knew I had to. Since I wrote Recognition of the Unknown it’s been tearing me apart. I wanted to tell myself that because we weren’t talking, it didn’t matter that I was seeing him and I could get away with not saying anything but that never settled me. His reaction was entirely different from what I had imagined – he was calm, he grabbed me and told me that no matter what I shared with him he’d always love me and absolutely nothing would ever change that fact. Completely threw me off – not at all what I thought was going to happen. It was good. However, from the encounter I have found myself getting caught up in so many different ways. So here I go – back at square one. Recognizing the things in me and my heart which I cannot have – and attempting to piece things back together in a manner which will lead to a healthy, whole, complete, solid and happy woman. Not one who gets sucked and pulled into things because people want her – but one who knows what she wants, and goes after it, no matter the trials it will produce.

The Incessant Heart

Where I’m at right now is quite a raw and emotional place. “Right now” being tonight in general. I’m torn across so many lines it hurts. There’s barely a place I can be, physically or mentally, which he hasn’t been at with me. My heart hurts because of how badly I long to see him. For him to just show up in a place I’m at. Unexpected. Out of no where. Just – there. Sunday night there was an event at church. I found myself wishing more than anything he’d see it and want to go – double reason – to see me and to worship.
I have an obsession with motorcycles. I love to be on them. Eventually, someday, I’ll have my own. He just bought one. I’m in absolutely no place to say anything or think I deserve something, but as soon as I found out he got a motorcycle all I could think about was how badly I wanted to be the first, and only, person he ever had on there with him. I love “firsts” – I absolutely love them even more when I can recall them in extreme detail. As, I am a detail girl. Anyway – at this point he’s had the bike for the better part of a week and who knows. A girl can dream, I suppose.
There was talk tonight of going out to the bar with Sonya, but things came up and we decided to reschedule. Attempting to just chill I put on Friends – which I am now almost completely done with seeing all of the episodes in sequential order and for the first time ever. I decided to finish disc 2 from season 10 – you know, the disc that contains Phoebe’s wedding. No big. I was good. I didn’t cry. I didn’t feel too terribly sad. And then she took her coat off and showed her dress for the first time. And then she walked down the aisle. And then she and Mike exchanged vows and rings. And then… *sigh* Yeah, it’s definitely a good thing I’m out of this state come August 13. There is nothing about that day which will be easy. It’s still – what – 18 days away and I’m already getting upset. How are people supposed to be able to handle this sort of thing?!
I went to bookmark a page tonight and went to choose where I wanted it to show up – under what folder – and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have an entire folder of bookmarks still titled “Wedding!!!” Everything I ever compiled for it, I still have. Folders on my computer, papers in an accordion file at my parents house, all 3 of our wedding registries… It’s all still around. I ignore it for the most part, but after so long one starts to wonder why.
(—- brief intermission to note: my brother just took his girlfriend on her first motorcycle ride – ironic, ANYONE?!)
I’m sick and tired of seeing other people have the type of relationship I want. The one where there’s an endless flood of affirmations and exclamations of love for one another on any and every social networking system. The one where in person you can look at one another and know exactly what the other is thinking. The one where there’s a knowing of when you just want to be held. The one where when something gets brought up – you discuss it calmly and rationally. The one which is based off of truth, trust and a commitment to God. The one which neither of you really has a desire to have a picture of “just you” as their profile. The one where they take outward signs of commitment seriously and won’t allow anything to interfere, even absent-mindedness. The one where you can turn to each other and bitch and complain about your day, but know that it’s okay you can’t fix the others life. The one where you both live up to the things you say (see Words of Worth). The one in which you will find two people who are willing to be patient, grow, nurture their individual paths and chase after their hearts desires – only to find themselves in one another.
Now, don’t get me wrong – there are things on here which I had with my ex, I’m just making a point. Somewhere. Somehow. Whatever.

All I know is that today has just been one hell of a day. He knows where I’m at in my journey because as much as I like to ignore the fact, he reads this blog. Which is a very difficult truth to forget, especially when writing the things I write. Nonetheless, I do my best at writing just for me (which explains the length on some entries) and no one else. To help sort out a few of the millions of thoughts which cross my mind in the average hour. For my own peace.

This has definitely been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. I thought being 2,400 miles away from my (ex-)fiance would be hard – that’s got nothing on attempting to put the puzzle which is your heart back together, not talk to the person you planned on living your life with, have no single place you can call home, attempt to maintain a semi-normal life and most of all, keep yourself from giving in and going back. One should never want to go back – one should only ever wish to move forward. It’s kind of like always trying something new in a restaurant before proclaiming a favorite – you have to keep going through things before you know what’s best. In life, it’s a constant – you never should settle. Never settle. Always push for more. There’s always more.

Stuck on the Missing

I tried to grab his hand during prayer at work this morning. I tried to lean my head on a shoulder which wasn’t there. I almost sent messages saying “Hey babe, how’s your day?” and “Sorry to hear about your troubles, anything I can do?” I wanted to call him and tell him I love him and hope he has a great day. I want to go home and settle in with a movie and his arm around me. He’s the last thing on my mind before I sleep and first thing when I wake.

Yeah, there’s a lot I have to deal with yet. I don’t think it’s wrong for me to be feeling these things, but it definitely would be nice if I could move on and really truly focus on me. Every morning I still receive a message from him – I swear it’s copy and paste because it’s always the same (which, not going to lie, annoys the crap out of me) “Good morning. I love you today.” Some days I wish he wouldn’t. Others I wish he would add more. I suppose you could say I’m still figuring out what I want. What I need. What is best for me in my life where it is today. While I try to work through multitudes of emotions I can’t help but see how we still have a lot of things to face. The worst has yet to come. So I catch, I can’t go past that thought. It’s nagging me. Pulling at my emotions and playing with my mind constantly. What does the future hold? Will I see him before I leave? Would it be better for me not to? If I don’t that means it will be a full month from now until we see each other. I don’t think that would be best, but at the same time I still don’t feel like I could see him before I go. I know that I’ve been through a lot, most of the changes aren’t evident – at least I don’t think they are, but does that mean we’re ready to talk? Does that mean we’re both in a place where seeing one another won’t throw our hearts in a twister? Does that mean we can have an actual conversation and walk away truly understanding one another? Does that mean I have the ability to be the woman I know I am? Does that mean he might actually finally be able to start proving he is a man? That is – the type of man I want/need/require in every single minuscule aspect of life? Ugh – the real issue here is – WHY am I even thinking about this? Why is it so difficult for me to really see myself as being single? Why can’t I just let go and live a life which is completely 3,000% focused on my own life, heart, mind and soul?
Why will I not allow myself to go to a place of simplicity?… I can easily answer that – I don’t believe there is such a place. I don’t believe I could ever be at the peace which he always desired for me. I don’t believe things can be easy and care-free. One thing which was imprinted on me from young adulthood which I’m not exactly thrilled about but, what can one do?

Oh yes. For no apparent reason, today has been difficult. *sigh*

Words of Worth

Here’s the thing about me – I’m simple. I’m complicated. I’m straight-forward. I’ll beat around the bush. I refuse to hurt you. I will hit you. My point in all of this is, I probably don’t have a point actually – not in the above statements. So let’s just….

Some people can hear someone say “We need to hang out sometime”, agree with them, make sure they have each others contact info, and forget about it until next time they run into said person – so it’s an endless circle. I cannot do this. If someone tells me they want to hang out at some point, I remember, I wait, I get hurt, I tend to my wounds, I try to move on. I expect people to stick to their word. I expect people to do what they say they will do. When I tell someone “We need to hang out” I actually make contact post-meet. Whether it’s a phone call, a text, grabbing something, doing anything, meeting up – it doesn’t matter. If someone tells me they’re going to do, or they want to do something with me you better believe there’s a note made in my mind – one which more than likely will take the better part of 5 months before it’s gone. If someone doesn’t come through on something, I will remember that. Upon this occurring, I will have less amount of belief in them and the things they say. If it happens multiple times, well, the belief drops more and more until what they say to me is just words with nothing behind them. If this happens with someone with whom I’m in relationship with (any sense) then the relationship is hurt, dramatically. I believe that one shouldn’t say things they don’t ever plan on following through with. Especially with me. I am the girl who remembers the random happenings and things said, so yes, I am the girl who will recall when you don’t follow through on your word, and so yes, I am the girl who will keep her heart in mind when dealing with you and the things you say.

I put a lot on what people say – because I love to think that others have recognized how much their words affect those around them. These days though, who really means the majority of the things that some out of their mouths? These days, how many people follow through on the small things they say to others? These days why do so many people allow themselves to go through life with countless broken promises? A promise by definition is…

a declaration that something will or will not be done, given,etc., by one – an express assurance on which expectation is the be based.

So therefore, shouldn’t we take the things we say into actual consideration? Shouldn’t we all expect others to fulfill the things they say? Or am I really just trying to live in a perfect world?

Where is this coming from? A couple of days thought. I’ve recently been spending a lot of time pondering on how I act and how I expect others to act – this is one area which kept coming up. I treat others the same as I wish to be treated. This is something which might play into my work ethic and how I am when working, because I expect the best from myself just as I expect the best from those around me. Why does it seem as though it’s normal to not live up to expectations today? What happened to integrity – honor – respect – worth? I want to live my life in a way which shines with these things, and I will not settle for anything less from my future husband.

We all carry an incredible treasure – our heart. I’m trying to figure out a way to connect all my pieces back together again and handle it the way it deserves to be treated, carefully. I had thought I had finally found a place for it to rest, to be safe – but I rarely truly felt safe and secure, so why was I willing to put the most treasured part of me out there?
Oh love… You make us do strange things.

Spontaneous Combustion

I’m not sure how to approach this, I’m figuring it will all come out as I type.

It’s been really hot out lately, 110-115 heat index type of hot. Those of us here in the northeast are definitely not used to this, and neither is our landscape. Sonya and I were having lunch when she noticed that there was smoke coming from the ground between two trees, close to the day care across the road. I never knew that mulch could catch on fire – but it does. I’m not going to go into the scientific-ness of it (because frankly, it’s not that important to me) but I’d like to pull your attention toward the oddity of what happened. The fact that things have been so extreme they are now getting to the point of combustion.

To me, this sounds extremely familiar. Both relational and physical. I’d like to point to the heat for the reason why I’ve been so exhausted recently. I’m finally sleeping at night but I wake up tired and stay tired all day. Who knows what the issue is there, I’m sure I’ll figure it out eventually. As far as relational – the month prior to the break up something was building and it finally all came down a couple of weeks afterward. At least, that’s how I feel. Now things are building a little bit again, and it’s freaking me out. We were supposedly not communicating for the past two weeks, but in all reality we only went a couple of days without one of us (yes, I did approach him a time or two) breaking and contacting the other. On Tuesday night we got into a conversation after I let him know I wouldn’t be able to pick him up when he got back into town yesterday because I wasn’t ready to see him. I still at times don’t feel like I’ve been given the opportunity to go off on my own and allow myself to heal and become an actual person again. After a bit of going back and forth that night (won’t lie, I had been drinking) I think he finally gets the point and he told me that he won’t contact me until I’m ready. Which, I find extremely difficult to believe as he’s never been able to do so before, but I have faith in him and the fact that he might actually realize how important it is for me. Yes, of course I’m still curious as to what he does every day, who he talks to, how those interactions are perceived by everyone and how serious he is – among so many other things.

I do forgive him, but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten. If we were dealing with a single incident, it wouldn’t be that difficult, but I’m talking about the way I felt more than half of the time we were together. Yes, it’s my fault for not telling him I wasn’t feeling respected, secure, cared for, needed, honored, cherished, inspired, pushed… The list goes on. The point is, I don’t believe I was being treated the way I deserve to be treated. I would like to think that in our relationship he felt all of those things at all times just as I desired to. I would like to think that I was in a place to wholly devote myself to someone and, upon engagement, plan to do so for my entire life. I would like to think that things will be okay, he’ll be okay, I’ll be okay. I’d like to think that when everything has been put out there we will have grown a significant amount and can start anew… When the time is right. I’d like to think that a part of my life will go down the path I thought it would. I’d like to think… *sigh*

Where’s the Focus?

Days like today, where it’s a never-ending headache and issues left and right, one can’t help but wish for there to be someone who they can reach out to. It’s so difficult not to when you’re used to doing so. It’s a really tough habit to break. I had been doing really well with the no-communication with my ex, but today when he responded to something I posted saying his day was equally rough, and he wouldn’t be in town yet I jumped over to Skype and just simply said “K”. Next thing I know we’re in a conversation – all about his day and how it’s rough. I was feeling quite neglected in the fact he hadn’t once asked what was making my day a living hell (I had asked him – something which has been more a normal than not in our relationship), so I finally went to lunch. Close to the end of the work day he messaged me again saying how he wished my day improved, I responded “…A little bit” and he jumped back into how his day hadn’t gotten better. Really? Just stop. He does things like this all the time which absolutely drive me crazy – but then he redeems himself by saying things like “I want you to enjoy your days and not spend time wishing anything could be different… I just hate the idea that there is time you don’t spend with a smile on your face… I just want to give you a hug.” This is the reason I’m not supposed to be talking with him right now and focusing on me. I hate the fact that even though I hurt him, and he hurt me, he still knows the things to say to me. I hate that I allow myself to be open with him even when it’s totally clear I shouldn’t even be talking with him. August, although it will be a difficult month, cannot come soon enough. It was he who said he couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust him, but now I’m not sure where I stand – I know I don’t trust him, that’s a definite. But does that mean I can’t miss him? Am I allowed to miss him? Why am I so ready for commitment, especially when I recognize growth is still necessary in my own life? Is it a terrible thing that I’m always looking for the “more” in life?

Ah, the joys of being young and, dare I say, still in love…