I’m not sure how to approach this, I’m figuring it will all come out as I type.
It’s been really hot out lately, 110-115 heat index type of hot. Those of us here in the northeast are definitely not used to this, and neither is our landscape. Sonya and I were having lunch when she noticed that there was smoke coming from the ground between two trees, close to the day care across the road. I never knew that mulch could catch on fire – but it does. I’m not going to go into the scientific-ness of it (because frankly, it’s not that important to me) but I’d like to pull your attention toward the oddity of what happened. The fact that things have been so extreme they are now getting to the point of combustion.
To me, this sounds extremely familiar. Both relational and physical. I’d like to point to the heat for the reason why I’ve been so exhausted recently. I’m finally sleeping at night but I wake up tired and stay tired all day. Who knows what the issue is there, I’m sure I’ll figure it out eventually. As far as relational – the month prior to the break up something was building and it finally all came down a couple of weeks afterward. At least, that’s how I feel. Now things are building a little bit again, and it’s freaking me out. We were supposedly not communicating for the past two weeks, but in all reality we only went a couple of days without one of us (yes, I did approach him a time or two) breaking and contacting the other. On Tuesday night we got into a conversation after I let him know I wouldn’t be able to pick him up when he got back into town yesterday because I wasn’t ready to see him. I still at times don’t feel like I’ve been given the opportunity to go off on my own and allow myself to heal and become an actual person again. After a bit of going back and forth that night (won’t lie, I had been drinking) I think he finally gets the point and he told me that he won’t contact me until I’m ready. Which, I find extremely difficult to believe as he’s never been able to do so before, but I have faith in him and the fact that he might actually realize how important it is for me. Yes, of course I’m still curious as to what he does every day, who he talks to, how those interactions are perceived by everyone and how serious he is – among so many other things.
I do forgive him, but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten. If we were dealing with a single incident, it wouldn’t be that difficult, but I’m talking about the way I felt more than half of the time we were together. Yes, it’s my fault for not telling him I wasn’t feeling respected, secure, cared for, needed, honored, cherished, inspired, pushed… The list goes on. The point is, I don’t believe I was being treated the way I deserve to be treated. I would like to think that in our relationship he felt all of those things at all times just as I desired to. I would like to think that I was in a place to wholly devote myself to someone and, upon engagement, plan to do so for my entire life. I would like to think that things will be okay, he’ll be okay, I’ll be okay. I’d like to think that when everything has been put out there we will have grown a significant amount and can start anew… When the time is right. I’d like to think that a part of my life will go down the path I thought it would. I’d like to think… *sigh*