I tried to grab his hand during prayer at work this morning. I tried to lean my head on a shoulder which wasn’t there. I almost sent messages saying “Hey babe, how’s your day?” and “Sorry to hear about your troubles, anything I can do?” I wanted to call him and tell him I love him and hope he has a great day. I want to go home and settle in with a movie and his arm around me. He’s the last thing on my mind before I sleep and first thing when I wake.
Yeah, there’s a lot I have to deal with yet. I don’t think it’s wrong for me to be feeling these things, but it definitely would be nice if I could move on and really truly focus on me. Every morning I still receive a message from him – I swear it’s copy and paste because it’s always the same (which, not going to lie, annoys the crap out of me) “Good morning. I love you today.” Some days I wish he wouldn’t. Others I wish he would add more. I suppose you could say I’m still figuring out what I want. What I need. What is best for me in my life where it is today. While I try to work through multitudes of emotions I can’t help but see how we still have a lot of things to face. The worst has yet to come. So I catch, I can’t go past that thought. It’s nagging me. Pulling at my emotions and playing with my mind constantly. What does the future hold? Will I see him before I leave? Would it be better for me not to? If I don’t that means it will be a full month from now until we see each other. I don’t think that would be best, but at the same time I still don’t feel like I could see him before I go. I know that I’ve been through a lot, most of the changes aren’t evident – at least I don’t think they are, but does that mean we’re ready to talk? Does that mean we’re both in a place where seeing one another won’t throw our hearts in a twister? Does that mean we can have an actual conversation and walk away truly understanding one another? Does that mean I have the ability to be the woman I know I am? Does that mean he might actually finally be able to start proving he is a man? That is – the type of man I want/need/require in every single minuscule aspect of life? Ugh – the real issue here is – WHY am I even thinking about this? Why is it so difficult for me to really see myself as being single? Why can’t I just let go and live a life which is completely 3,000% focused on my own life, heart, mind and soul?
Why will I not allow myself to go to a place of simplicity?… I can easily answer that – I don’t believe there is such a place. I don’t believe I could ever be at the peace which he always desired for me. I don’t believe things can be easy and care-free. One thing which was imprinted on me from young adulthood which I’m not exactly thrilled about but, what can one do?
Oh yes. For no apparent reason, today has been difficult. *sigh*