The Incessant Heart

Where I’m at right now is quite a raw and emotional place. “Right now” being tonight in general. I’m torn across so many lines it hurts. There’s barely a place I can be, physically or mentally, which he hasn’t been at with me. My heart hurts because of how badly I long to see him. For him to just show up in a place I’m at. Unexpected. Out of no where. Just – there. Sunday night there was an event at church. I found myself wishing more than anything he’d see it and want to go – double reason – to see me and to worship.
I have an obsession with motorcycles. I love to be on them. Eventually, someday, I’ll have my own. He just bought one. I’m in absolutely no place to say anything or think I deserve something, but as soon as I found out he got a motorcycle all I could think about was how badly I wanted to be the first, and only, person he ever had on there with him. I love “firsts” – I absolutely love them even more when I can recall them in extreme detail. As, I am a detail girl. Anyway – at this point he’s had the bike for the better part of a week and who knows. A girl can dream, I suppose.
There was talk tonight of going out to the bar with Sonya, but things came up and we decided to reschedule. Attempting to just chill I put on Friends – which I am now almost completely done with seeing all of the episodes in sequential order and for the first time ever. I decided to finish disc 2 from season 10 – you know, the disc that contains Phoebe’s wedding. No big. I was good. I didn’t cry. I didn’t feel too terribly sad. And then she took her coat off and showed her dress for the first time. And then she walked down the aisle. And then she and Mike exchanged vows and rings. And then… *sigh* Yeah, it’s definitely a good thing I’m out of this state come August 13. There is nothing about that day which will be easy. It’s still – what – 18 days away and I’m already getting upset. How are people supposed to be able to handle this sort of thing?!
I went to bookmark a page tonight and went to choose where I wanted it to show up – under what folder – and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have an entire folder of bookmarks still titled “Wedding!!!” Everything I ever compiled for it, I still have. Folders on my computer, papers in an accordion file at my parents house, all 3 of our wedding registries… It’s all still around. I ignore it for the most part, but after so long one starts to wonder why.
(—- brief intermission to note: my brother just took his girlfriend on her first motorcycle ride – ironic, ANYONE?!)
I’m sick and tired of seeing other people have the type of relationship I want. The one where there’s an endless flood of affirmations and exclamations of love for one another on any and every social networking system. The one where in person you can look at one another and know exactly what the other is thinking. The one where there’s a knowing of when you just want to be held. The one where when something gets brought up – you discuss it calmly and rationally. The one which is based off of truth, trust and a commitment to God. The one which neither of you really has a desire to have a picture of “just you” as their profile. The one where they take outward signs of commitment seriously and won’t allow anything to interfere, even absent-mindedness. The one where you can turn to each other and bitch and complain about your day, but know that it’s okay you can’t fix the others life. The one where you both live up to the things you say (see Words of Worth). The one in which you will find two people who are willing to be patient, grow, nurture their individual paths and chase after their hearts desires – only to find themselves in one another.
Now, don’t get me wrong – there are things on here which I had with my ex, I’m just making a point. Somewhere. Somehow. Whatever.

All I know is that today has just been one hell of a day. He knows where I’m at in my journey because as much as I like to ignore the fact, he reads this blog. Which is a very difficult truth to forget, especially when writing the things I write. Nonetheless, I do my best at writing just for me (which explains the length on some entries) and no one else. To help sort out a few of the millions of thoughts which cross my mind in the average hour. For my own peace.

This has definitely been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. I thought being 2,400 miles away from my (ex-)fiance would be hard – that’s got nothing on attempting to put the puzzle which is your heart back together, not talk to the person you planned on living your life with, have no single place you can call home, attempt to maintain a semi-normal life and most of all, keep yourself from giving in and going back. One should never want to go back – one should only ever wish to move forward. It’s kind of like always trying something new in a restaurant before proclaiming a favorite – you have to keep going through things before you know what’s best. In life, it’s a constant – you never should settle. Never settle. Always push for more. There’s always more.

One thought on “The Incessant Heart

  1. Pingback: French Toast « Individual Odyssey

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