Is my life ever chill?
So much happens, of course, in a few days but sometimes you just want everything to stop. At which point, I get bored and beg for excitement again. Well, I’ve had my share of excitement for this week already.
Hello, heart. How are you doing? Twisted, amazed, bewildered, stunned, and still confused you say? Well, if that’s so – you should probably try to fix some of those. Oh – you’re trying to? That’s good. How do you think it’s going? Ah – yes, it is difficult but you have to stand up for yourself and really know what you need – I wish you luck.
Because I have such an issue with people who don’t keep their word (Words of Worth), I have the same standard for myself. I had to prove to myself on Monday night that I really can keep my word (to myself even!) even in the most difficult of situations. I had to look him in the eye and tell him something I will never again say, as it is something only he needed to know. I broke the silence we agreed upon, to keep my promise, to open another piece of me up to him – the man I don’t trust, just because he was standing right in front of me and I do still love and care for him. It hurt me to do this, but I knew I had to. Since I wrote Recognition of the Unknown it’s been tearing me apart. I wanted to tell myself that because we weren’t talking, it didn’t matter that I was seeing him and I could get away with not saying anything but that never settled me. His reaction was entirely different from what I had imagined – he was calm, he grabbed me and told me that no matter what I shared with him he’d always love me and absolutely nothing would ever change that fact. Completely threw me off – not at all what I thought was going to happen. It was good. However, from the encounter I have found myself getting caught up in so many different ways. So here I go – back at square one. Recognizing the things in me and my heart which I cannot have – and attempting to piece things back together in a manner which will lead to a healthy, whole, complete, solid and happy woman. Not one who gets sucked and pulled into things because people want her – but one who knows what she wants, and goes after it, no matter the trials it will produce.