September 16, 2011 – I re-read what I have written below and am finally at a place where I am comfortable making this public…
I’ve decided that while I need to write, I’m not going to make this public just yet. Sorry, world.
The past week has been rather a growing week, and the weekend stretching and confusing.
While driving with Mandy from Cali to Texas I came into the revelation that it’s time to cut the cord. Time to sever the connection. Time to leave the past and move into the future. Time to walk away. Time to see him and tell him Goodbye… Forever.
I experienced the most inner-conflict I’ve ever had to date. I move along and grow so much without him in my life, but at the same time there was a connection – a bond – a hold. I didn’t want to accept that it was over. But I had to.
I told my parents, siblings, and only a couple super close friends that on my way home on Saturday night I’d be meeting with him and ending it. They all supported me. They helped me see that he truly was manipulative in almost every moment they’d ever seen us together. They helped me recognize that my life with him would never amount to the possibilities of my life without him. The fact that while away and forced no-communication I saw, recognized, broke off and grew so much is incredible. So why would I want to put myself back 300 steps and essentially, be an idiot? I wouldn’t.
Friday night I barely slept, flew all morning and drove all afternoon only to finally arrive at his parents house (where he was over the weekend) at 8pm. The conversation which followed between the two of us had more ups, downs, twists and turns than the best roller coaster in the world. I walked in strong, prepared, free of his chains (as I declared such before arriving) and checked of emotions. When I asked him how he’d been he gave me surface level – I guess he didn’t think I wanted to know how he was actually doing. A little bit later he asked me “What do you see when you look at me” Ha. Ha. Oh my. The question I wasn’t sure how to answer was presented to me at the very beginning. Before I said anything else. He at this point didn’t know that this conversation was the end – Goodbye for all time – Sayonara, buddy! So I turned to him and I finally decided, hell, this is it – just tell him as you see it. “When I look at you, I see a person who I was on the same path as a year ago. Our paths were headed towards one another, came together and now it’s time for them to separate. I see someone who needs to control someone. Who needs to essentially play a puppeteer….” I said some other things, I forget what, but that’s the main gist of it. He looked at me in complete disbelief and questioned how I could ever have said that I truly loved him and cared about him when I saw those things. Odd, but easy – the man I loved is the one I know is in there somewhere, the one that pops his head up every once in a while, the one who did things because he wanted to, not because I asked, the one who supported me without degrading or questioning me… Even as I write this my stomach hurts. It hurts me to think about how much I allowed him into my life – how much we allowed each other into our lives – and how neither one of us saw for the longest time how the relationship was in the wrong.
I was ready and willing. Now I’m walking away not as an injured victim, but rather a stronger, smarter fighter.
It’d be so easy to go back and accept things as they are and constantly battle through every day with him. Yes, that would be easy. I’ve been doing such for a while now so it’d be just as it is and has been. It’s more difficult to recognize that HEY! THERE IS SOMETHING SO MUCH BETTER OUT THERE FOR ME.
I made the mistake on Saturday night of telling him that “I’m not strong enough to look past his issues” and “I’m not in a place where I can love someone” and “All I wanted was a fairytale.” Why? WHY DID I SAY THESE THINGS? Because I hit my wall – I had been around him enough that the things he was saying and how he was saying everything made me start to question and doubt myself. I began to wonder “Am I wrong? Has he truly just loved me all this time? Maybe it’s me that there’s an issue with? Maybe I don’t actually know what it means to love?!” Oh yes… That’s what happens. This is what I’ve fought for a long time. This is what I’m sick of doing. This is what people ask me about when they ask “How did you handle it?!” (because even in short conversations others have experienced self-doubt with him)
He tried everything that night – from blowing up and telling me he was going to delete me and my entire existence off of Facebook, his computer, etc to calling me “baby doll” and promising he’d love me forever – if I ever need anything I can go to him because he’ll always be there – he wouldn’t delete me.
I walked away that night knowing that he was able to recognize that as far as I’m concerned the relationship is over. He’s being removed from my life however I see fit. We’d talk for the next couple of days though to straighten things out and explain.
The thing that was finally the last straw was just last night when I received an email from him. After I read it I found myself seriously doubting whether or not I know what I’m doing. I read the email to my mom and she was ready to go out and knock somebody out. She said “I hear manipulation all over that” which entirely explains why I began doubting myself. She’s not even in my position filled of emotion – that’s the thing. I’m getting responses from people who care about me, yes, but they aren’t emotionally connected like I am. But every single person tells me to cut him out. It makes sense.
So it’s what I’m doing. Seriously this time. It’s a slow process… The pictures on my camera were the first to go… Then the ones on my phone… I just got done moving all of the emails we sent to one another over the past year from one email account to another and putting them into a folder named “Past Ghost”. Who knows what’s next… More than likely the un-follow and un-friend on Twitter, Facebook, Skype and Gmail Chat… Oh the steps to complete separation.
It’s like the first week of the break up all over again… This sucks.