What If?

The past couple of days (read: weeks) I’ve been going over things and thinking…

What if I am wrong?
What if he wasn’t playing with my heart/mind?
What if he really has meant everything he’s ever said?
What if he wasn’t lying to me? (even with evidence proving)
What if there’s no one else out there?
What if he was as good as I could ever deserve?
What if he finds someone else and is with them in the next month?
What if this relationship meant nothing to him?
What if this relationship meant everything to him?
What if I’ve confused things?
What if I’ve ruined things?
What if I should have given him yet another chance?
What if we supported each other more?
What if I expected too much from him?
What if I expected too much from myself?
What if I will never be happy?
What if I never find that “fairytale”?
What if my biography matches that of Jane Austen?
What if he hadn’t let me walk away that night?
What if I would have hit him?
What if I didn’t need to hear “I love you” from him so often?
What if he would have kissed me?
What if he wouldn’t have kissed me?
What if we never were together?
What if I wasn’t obsessed with texting him while in England/Austria?
What if we separated last October?
What if he wasn’t in my life while I lived in Cali?
What if we never were engaged?
What if I hadn’t loved him?
What if we were meant to be together forever?
What if everything was supposed to be different?
What if we would have been married?
What if I am wrong?

Please note: While these thoughts do fly through my mind regularly, I move on, recognize the truths and face life sans him. 

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With each day that passes my heart goes through so much. Every single day I wonder “I thought it was going to get easier?” Well, maybe now it will.

All of the friends (Facebook) which he had just because he was in my life have been notified and most have removed him as their friend. My computer has been purged. My Facebook has less photos on it. Pretty sure the only thing that’s left to do is the registries and his number and messages in my phone…

It’s amazing what one can go through in a year. It was exactly a year ago tonight that I drove away from my apartment and began my journey across the country to Redding, California. Seems fitting that today is the day I begin yet another journey. I feel like I’ve been “starting” a journey for a while now. It feels as thought I’ve said something about the such in every other one of my posts.

Earlier today when I was going through and removing things, I saved the “Engagement!” folder of pictures on FB for last because I couldn’t bring myself to deleting it. Tears formed, and fell, as I clicked through those acceptances. When I came downstairs my mom had to give me a hug and remind me that I have to step through some things – not jump over them. Sometimes you just have to embrace the tears and let them flow rather than fight against them. Sometimes you have to allow yourself to feel and break instead of standing tall and saying you are okay. I’ve been through a lot – I am strong but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel and express. One can be strong but still show their tears, hurts and pains. It’s what and how you handle it which determines ones strength.

…Right? *sigh*

Removing the Supports

Today was the day.

8 months ago we were sharing the joyous news of our engagement with our families on Christmas Day. Today I completely removed him from my life. 8 months sure do fly by quickly.

How many ways must one remove someone and an entire history from their lives anymore? Let’s count…

1. Facebook
2. Twitter
3. E-mails
4. Skype
5. Google Chat
6. G+
7. Pictures on phone
8. Pictures on Facebook
9. Pictures on computer
10. Pictures on camera
11. “Favorite” Tweets
12. Files on computer
13. Joint DropBox
14. Joint E-mail account
15. Wedding Registries
16. Texts which started it all (all kept in an app as I was in England at the time and was texting via wifi)

I more than likely missed a few. I will admit, I haven’t yet had the time to remove the pictures off of Facebook, nor go through all the files on my computer (including the wedding files/bookmarks) but the plan is to do so this weekend. The registries I’m going to delete as well. I’ve kept them around because I have some amazing items on them (like this, this, this, this, this, this, and every single kitchen appliance available in red) but it’s time to let go of it all. His number will remain in my phone, as I never delete numbers but rather change the name to something else. (crazy annoying ex from 2.5 years ago’s number was just deleted while I was in Cali)

Earlier today I came across another bloggers post which hits home – as it is precisely how I feel. It’s titled “Not To Be…” It’s incredible to see thoughts which fly across my mind in writing. By someone else, nonetheless! Check it out to see what I’m talking about. First time I read it I was at work and almost cried.

We agreed on an e-mail each to essentially finish off the relationship – while it seems as though he’s been attempting anything and everything to get me to come back, I’m standing firm – I know what I need and I’m acting on it. There are some things which still need to be sorted – he has a lot of my stuff, I have some of his stuff, but my dad will be meeting with him to do an exchange. No longer will I put myself in his presence. It hurts, it stinks, I can’t believe it’s come to this, but here we be. Here’s an excerpt from my email to him… (Also known as all of it minus the random things we still have to take care of…)

Since Saturday night/Sunday morning I’ve definitely decompressed a lot of things. We’ve been through quite a bit together, and you know me very well. You may not recognize it as such, but the way you reacted on Saturday and the things you’ve said since have just more cemented my feeling of you manipulating me. I know you have said that it isn’t that way, and you are expressing your love for me but it’s not come across like that very often.
At one time I did rely on you. I leaned on you. I needed to be told. I expected certain things. That was awhile ago though and I’ve changed.

You helped me step into the person I am today, so I am thankful for your time in my life. While it’s hard to imagine never talking to you again, I know no matter what your impact on my life will be lasting. I am now able to recognize things I never thought I’d have to. I am now stronger and able to handle my own issues. I am now looking at the future and seeing the endless possibilities available. I am now stepping in to the type of woman I am meant to be this day.

I’m sorry our separation must be to this extent, but it’s necessary.

Definitely not the easiest e-mail I’ve written, but I’d like to think I did a half decent job. I was asked if I thought he’d respond – really, I don’t know. I doubt it. He should have figured out by now that when I say “goodbye” I mean it. There’s no ‘winning me back’ or even me ‘crawling back’ to him in this situation. We both are walking away more pushed than ever before. What we do from here is up to no one else aside from ourselves. I hope the best for him. I really do.

Recently I’ve more and more been wondering “how do I do this? how do I handle everything that’s happening? how am I not an emotional wreck??” Others have been asking as well. Honestly, to this moment I have no idea how to answer. I know there’s a reason for me to go through the situations I do, but sometimes I wish the situations weren’t necessary and the lessons were just instinct.

Oh well. Another day is done. The process of removing all things which connect to him is well on its way and I’m still here.

Boy Bands

So much has been happening, there is a post written which will someday be revealed to the public, for now though it remains private. (It’s titled “Hello, Heart.” just FYI)

I’m back at the place I was two months ago – amazed at what happens and how people can act all the while not trying to allow too much hurt to be felt because at this point it’s rather ridiculous. I’m stepping through and making the changes as I see fit, even though there is a deadline looming (I love making personal deadlines). My mind is being de-cluttered. My heart is on the mend, with no one’s help. My persistence, fight, drive, strength and desires have all taken a huge leap for the better. Overall, it’s quite easy for me to say that I’m coming out of this relationship for the better. MUCH better. His impact on my life was significant, for all kinds of reasons, good and bad. It’s easy to identify both sides, which I’d consider a good thing – it is just upsetting that there has to be a ‘good’ and a ‘bad’ side.

One thing that kept flying through my mind the past week or so has been the song by the Backstreet Boys titled “Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)”… Who says that those 90’s boy bands were crazy and didn’t know what they were talking about? It sucks, but in some relationships that is exactly how it goes – one person feels like no matter what they do the other has a certain power over them, their heart and their mind. So scary, and not at all as it should be. So. That is over. Dear goodness – it is so over.
No one will ever again make me even feel as though I’m being manipulated. (Declaration there!)

Now, to truly understand this strength which I have declared in myself and others say they see in me. I’m not going around a mountain this time – I’m picking myself up, recognizing what needs to be, and climbing over.

Hello, Heart.

September 16, 2011 – I re-read what I have written below and am finally at a place where I am comfortable making this public…

I’ve decided that while I need to write, I’m not going to make this public just yet. Sorry, world.

The past week has been rather a growing week, and the weekend stretching and confusing.

While driving with Mandy from Cali to Texas I came into the revelation that it’s time to cut the cord. Time to sever the connection. Time to leave the past and move into the future. Time to walk away. Time to see him and tell him Goodbye… Forever.
I experienced the most inner-conflict I’ve ever had to date. I move along and grow so much without him in my life, but at the same time there was a connection – a bond – a hold. I didn’t want to accept that it was over. But I had to.
I told my parents, siblings, and only a couple super close friends that on my way home on Saturday night I’d be meeting with him and ending it. They all supported me. They helped me see that he truly was manipulative in almost every moment they’d ever seen us together. They helped me recognize that my life with him would never amount to the possibilities of my life without him. The fact that while away and forced no-communication I saw, recognized, broke off and grew so much is incredible. So why would I want to put myself back 300 steps and essentially, be an idiot? I wouldn’t.

Friday night I barely slept, flew all morning and drove all afternoon only to finally arrive at his parents house (where he was over the weekend) at 8pm. The conversation which followed between the two of us had more ups, downs, twists and turns than the best roller coaster in the world. I walked in strong, prepared, free of his chains (as I declared such before arriving) and checked of emotions. When I asked him how he’d been he gave me surface level – I guess he didn’t think I wanted to know how he was actually doing. A little bit later he asked me “What do you see when you look at me” Ha. Ha. Oh my. The question I wasn’t sure how to answer was presented to me at the very beginning. Before I said anything else. He at this point didn’t know that this conversation was the end – Goodbye for all time – Sayonara, buddy! So I turned to him and I finally decided, hell, this is it – just tell him as you see it. “When I look at you, I see a person who I was on the same path as a year ago. Our paths were headed towards one another, came together and now it’s time for them to separate. I see someone who needs to control someone. Who needs to essentially play a puppeteer….” I said some other things, I forget what, but that’s the main gist of it. He looked at me in complete disbelief and questioned how I could ever have said that I truly loved him and cared about him when I saw those things.   Odd, but easy – the man I loved is the one I know is in there somewhere, the one that pops his head up every once in a while, the one who did things because he wanted to, not because I asked, the one who supported me without degrading or questioning me… Even as I write this my stomach hurts. It hurts me to think about how much I allowed him into my life – how much we allowed each other into our lives – and how neither one of us saw for the longest time how the relationship was in the wrong.

I was ready and willing. Now I’m walking away not as an injured victim, but rather a stronger, smarter fighter.
It’d be so easy to go back and accept things as they are and constantly battle through every day with him. Yes, that would be easy. I’ve been doing such for a while now so it’d be just as it is and has been. It’s more difficult to recognize that HEY! THERE IS SOMETHING SO MUCH BETTER OUT THERE FOR ME.
I made the mistake on Saturday night of telling him that “I’m not strong enough to look past his issues” and “I’m not in a place where I can love someone” and “All I wanted was a fairytale.”      Why? WHY DID I SAY THESE THINGS? Because I hit my wall – I had been around him enough that the things he was saying and how he was saying everything made me start to question and doubt myself. I began to wonder “Am I wrong? Has he truly just loved me all this time? Maybe it’s me that there’s an issue with? Maybe I don’t actually know what it means to love?!” Oh yes… That’s what happens. This is what I’ve fought for a long time. This is what I’m sick of doing. This is what people ask me about when they ask “How did you handle it?!” (because even in short conversations others have experienced self-doubt with him)
He tried everything that night – from blowing up and telling me he was going to delete me and my entire existence off of Facebook, his computer, etc to calling me “baby doll” and promising he’d love me forever – if I ever need anything I can go to him because he’ll always be there – he wouldn’t delete me.
I walked away that night knowing that he was able to recognize that as far as I’m concerned the relationship is over. He’s being removed from my life however I see fit. We’d talk for the next couple of days though to straighten things out and explain.

The thing that was finally the last straw was just last night when I received an email from him. After I read it I found myself seriously doubting whether or not I know what I’m doing. I read the email to my mom and she was ready to go out and knock somebody out. She said “I hear manipulation all over that” which entirely explains why I began doubting myself. She’s not even in my position filled of emotion – that’s the thing. I’m getting responses from people who care about me, yes, but they aren’t emotionally connected like I am. But every single person tells me to cut him out. It makes sense.

So it’s what I’m doing. Seriously this time. It’s a slow process… The pictures on my camera were the first to go… Then the ones on my phone… I just got done moving all of the emails we sent to one another over the past year from one email account to another and putting them into a folder named “Past Ghost”. Who knows what’s next… More than likely the un-follow and un-friend on Twitter, Facebook, Skype and Gmail Chat… Oh the steps to complete separation.

 

It’s like the first week of the break up all over again… This sucks.

Original Serious

Without hesitation I can walk through all that occurred this day last year. I could more than likely give you a minute by minute run down, but I don’t want to bore anyone.

All everyone really needs to know is that a year ago tonight was the first time he seriously asked me to marry him shortly after first meeting my parents.

This year – the situation is quite different. I don’t know if he’s still reading this, because last time we talked he asked if I wanted him to quit – I told him it was up to him. He shouldn’t take what he reads here as knowing how I’m doing though. So continuing on as though he isn’t reading and I really truly am just writing for me, as I am. Being back in Cali has been amazing. I forgot how much I loved it here. Of course, being around some of the most amazing people doesn’t hurt either. Earlier one of those amazing people asked how I was doing – as she knows the entire situation with the ex I openly shared with her (and attempted to summarize) what’s happening and where I’m at. She herself went through a lot and is now chasing after God with more fervor than most other people I know, so I listen to what she has to say. In the things I shared with her she was concerned for my heart and where I am. From her experience she knows the type of guy I’m dealing with. With every piece of me it hurt to hear someone else, on the absolute outside looking in, tell me something I’ve only thought.

When something is just a thought in your own mind it’s easy to not give too much weight to it. However the moment someone else brings it up you must face the facts and recognize that the thought which you didn’t dwell on, you really need to go back and study.

So this is me, really looking at the next steps of my life and wondering what I will allow to be part of it, and will not. I am still young, gorgeous, talented and amazing, I need to really start taking my own advice and not settle, in any aspect of my life.

One thing that really stood out to her was the fact that it took me giving an ultimatum for him to actually abide by my wishes. I still haven’t messaged him, as this weekend is just too much already, so he continues to be silent, which is awesome. It’s so nice to not have something looming over my head (which is exactly how I’ve felt recently, in all honesty) but at the same time I am feeling that need. All humans who have at one point had something be such a large part of their life do. I’m not thrilled that I’m feeling the need, miss or want, but, c’est la vie. One also shouldn’t have to treat someone who wishes to be their other half like a child…

All I keep thinking is – what do I want to have in my life, and what don’t I? What will I allow to permeate my life, and what won’t I? Where is my line and why am I drawing it? Where do I want to go, and when? Oh yes, the next couple of weeks shall be quite fun. *sigh*

I can’t help but feel as though these past couple of posts have been extremely scattered and I haven’t made any sense, so I do apologize if this is in any case the truth.

The Day

Today was supposed to be the day.
Today was supposed to be the day the love of my life and I joined our two lives together as one.
Today was supposed to be the day my last name dropped 6 letters.
Today was supposed to be the day after which I no longer would check “single”.
Today was supposed to be the happiest day of my life.
Today was supposed to be the perfect day.
Today was supposed to be the day in which everything changed.
Today was supposed to be the day.

Today is not any of those things.

Today is the day that I flew across the country.
Today is the day that began for me by hearing Faith Hill over the speakers at a Walmart sing “Breathe”.
Today is the day which I faced fear and told it to back down – and never come back.
Today is the day that I didn’t cry near as much as I expected to.
Today is the day which had gorgeous weather.
Today is the day that begins a new step.
Today is the day my heart will always remember.
Today is the day I traveled alone, and was okay with that.
Today is the day I tried Honeydew Soup, and liked it.
Today is the day I left my car in long-term parking at the airport.
Today is the day which barely has a soundtrack, for the roller coaster of emotions.
Today is the day that I recognized where my issues end and someone else’s begins.
Today is the day which will always be remembered. Good and bad.

I debated whether or not I should write anything today, as it is what it is. Part of me rebelled at the thought of not, because I am wishing to be honest with myself as with the rest of you out there. I have found that to be completely honest with myself (and truly remember it) I have to write things out. So – here we be. The emotional roller coaster which proves to be today is overwhelming, to say the least. Immediately when midnight hit I entered into the day with too many thoughts. When I woke up, even running a bit late (darn alarms!) I still couldn’t get it out of my mind. I had a mental countdown going until 2:00pm arrived. Yes, that lovely hour eventually came, accompanied by tears. What else would have been fitting? I would consider myself a robot if I never cried or even choked up today. Thankfully, there is no fear of being a robot! Watching the sunset from among the clouds is bittersweet. One of my absolute favorite things about flying mixed with the most difficult day of my life to date.

Earlier as we took off I thought about how the clouds, those things I love the absolute most, are the exact things which cause turbulence. Turbulence. Am I the only one here who is freaking out?! The thing I love the most is the thing that causes the majority of discomfort. We all live with it. We all push through and deal with the things we must, but to what extent? Do we give a part of ourselves away in order to accept what we’re handed?