What If?

The past couple of days (read: weeks) I’ve been going over things and thinking…

What if I am wrong?
What if he wasn’t playing with my heart/mind?
What if he really has meant everything he’s ever said?
What if he wasn’t lying to me? (even with evidence proving)
What if there’s no one else out there?
What if he was as good as I could ever deserve?
What if he finds someone else and is with them in the next month?
What if this relationship meant nothing to him?
What if this relationship meant everything to him?
What if I’ve confused things?
What if I’ve ruined things?
What if I should have given him yet another chance?
What if we supported each other more?
What if I expected too much from him?
What if I expected too much from myself?
What if I will never be happy?
What if I never find that “fairytale”?
What if my biography matches that of Jane Austen?
What if he hadn’t let me walk away that night?
What if I would have hit him?
What if I didn’t need to hear “I love you” from him so often?
What if he would have kissed me?
What if he wouldn’t have kissed me?
What if we never were together?
What if I wasn’t obsessed with texting him while in England/Austria?
What if we separated last October?
What if he wasn’t in my life while I lived in Cali?
What if we never were engaged?
What if I hadn’t loved him?
What if we were meant to be together forever?
What if everything was supposed to be different?
What if we would have been married?
What if I am wrong?

Please note: While these thoughts do fly through my mind regularly, I move on, recognize the truths and face life sans him. 

Embrace

With each day that passes my heart goes through so much. Every single day I wonder “I thought it was going to get easier?” Well, maybe now it will.

All of the friends (Facebook) which he had just because he was in my life have been notified and most have removed him as their friend. My computer has been purged. My Facebook has less photos on it. Pretty sure the only thing that’s left to do is the registries and his number and messages in my phone…

It’s amazing what one can go through in a year. It was exactly a year ago tonight that I drove away from my apartment and began my journey across the country to Redding, California. Seems fitting that today is the day I begin yet another journey. I feel like I’ve been “starting” a journey for a while now. It feels as thought I’ve said something about the such in every other one of my posts.

Earlier today when I was going through and removing things, I saved the “Engagement!” folder of pictures on FB for last because I couldn’t bring myself to deleting it. Tears formed, and fell, as I clicked through those acceptances. When I came downstairs my mom had to give me a hug and remind me that I have to step through some things – not jump over them. Sometimes you just have to embrace the tears and let them flow rather than fight against them. Sometimes you have to allow yourself to feel and break instead of standing tall and saying you are okay. I’ve been through a lot – I am strong but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel and express. One can be strong but still show their tears, hurts and pains. It’s what and how you handle it which determines ones strength.

…Right? *sigh*

Removing the Supports

Today was the day.

8 months ago we were sharing the joyous news of our engagement with our families on Christmas Day. Today I completely removed him from my life. 8 months sure do fly by quickly.

How many ways must one remove someone and an entire history from their lives anymore? Let’s count…

  1. Facebook
  2. Twitter
  3. E-mails
  4. Skype
  5. Google Chat
  6. G+
  7. Pictures on phone
  8. Pictures on Facebook
  9. Pictures on computer
  10. Pictures on camera
  11. “Favorite” Tweets
  12. Files on computer
  13. Joint DropBox
  14. Joint E-mail account
  15. Wedding Registries
  16. Texts which started it all (all kept in an app as I was in England at the time and was texting via wifi)

I more than likely missed a few. I will admit, I haven’t yet had the time to remove the pictures off of Facebook, nor go through all the files on my computer (including the wedding files/bookmarks) but the plan is to do so this weekend. The registries I’m going to delete as well. I’ve kept them around because I have some amazing items on them (like this, this, this, this, thisthis, and every single kitchen appliance available in red) but it’s time to let go of it all. His number will remain in my phone, as I never delete numbers but rather change the name to something else. (crazy annoying ex from 2.5 years ago’s number was just deleted while I was in Cali)

Earlier today I came across another bloggers post which hits home – as it is precisely how I feel. It’s titled “Not To Be…” It’s incredible to see thoughts which fly across my mind in writing. By someone else, nonetheless! Check it out to see what I’m talking about. First time I read it I was at work and almost cried.

We agreed on an e-mail each to essentially finish off the relationship – while it seems as though he’s been attempting anything and everything to get me to come back, I’m standing firm – I know what I need and I’m acting on it. There are some things which still need to be sorted – he has a lot of my stuff, I have some of his stuff, but my dad will be meeting with him to do an exchange. No longer will I put myself in his presence. It hurts, it stinks, I can’t believe it’s come to this, but here we be. Here’s an excerpt from my email to him… (Also known as all of it minus the random things we still have to take care of…)

Since Saturday night/Sunday morning I’ve definitely decompressed a lot of things. We’ve been through quite a bit together, and you know me very well. You may not recognize it as such, but the way you reacted on Saturday and the things you’ve said since have just more cemented my feeling of you manipulating me. I know you have said that it isn’t that way, and you are expressing your love for me but it’s not come across like that very often.
At one time I did rely on you. I leaned on you. I needed to be told. I expected certain things. That was awhile ago though and I’ve changed.

You helped me step into the person I am today, so I am thankful for your time in my life. While it’s hard to imagine never talking to you again, I know no matter what your impact on my life will be lasting. I am now able to recognize things I never thought I’d have to. I am now stronger and able to handle my own issues. I am now looking at the future and seeing the endless possibilities available. I am now stepping in to the type of woman I am meant to be this day.

I’m sorry our separation must be to this extent, but it’s necessary.

Definitely not the easiest e-mail I’ve written, but I’d like to think I did a half decent job. I was asked if I thought he’d respond – really, I don’t know. I doubt it. He should have figured out by now that when I say “goodbye” I mean it. There’s no ‘winning me back’ or even me ‘crawling back’ to him in this situation. We both are walking away more pushed than ever before. What we do from here is up to no one else aside from ourselves. I hope the best for him. I really do.

Recently I’ve more and more been wondering “how do I do this? how do I handle everything that’s happening? how am I not an emotional wreck??” Others have been asking as well. Honestly, to this moment I have no idea how to answer. I know there’s a reason for me to go through the situations I do, but sometimes I wish the situations weren’t necessary and the lessons were just instinct.

Oh well. Another day is done. The process of removing all things which connect to him is well on its way and I’m still here.