Without hesitation I can walk through all that occurred this day last year. I could more than likely give you a minute by minute run down, but I don’t want to bore anyone.
All everyone really needs to know is that a year ago tonight was the first time he seriously asked me to marry him shortly after first meeting my parents.
This year – the situation is quite different. I don’t know if he’s still reading this, because last time we talked he asked if I wanted him to quit – I told him it was up to him. He shouldn’t take what he reads here as knowing how I’m doing though. So continuing on as though he isn’t reading and I really truly am just writing for me, as I am. Being back in Cali has been amazing. I forgot how much I loved it here. Of course, being around some of the most amazing people doesn’t hurt either. Earlier one of those amazing people asked how I was doing – as she knows the entire situation with the ex I openly shared with her (and attempted to summarize) what’s happening and where I’m at. She herself went through a lot and is now chasing after God with more fervor than most other people I know, so I listen to what she has to say. In the things I shared with her she was concerned for my heart and where I am. From her experience she knows the type of guy I’m dealing with. With every piece of me it hurt to hear someone else, on the absolute outside looking in, tell me something I’ve only thought.
When something is just a thought in your own mind it’s easy to not give too much weight to it. However the moment someone else brings it up you must face the facts and recognize that the thought which you didn’t dwell on, you really need to go back and study.
So this is me, really looking at the next steps of my life and wondering what I will allow to be part of it, and will not. I am still young, gorgeous, talented and amazing, I need to really start taking my own advice and not settle, in any aspect of my life.
One thing that really stood out to her was the fact that it took me giving an ultimatum for him to actually abide by my wishes. I still haven’t messaged him, as this weekend is just too much already, so he continues to be silent, which is awesome. It’s so nice to not have something looming over my head (which is exactly how I’ve felt recently, in all honesty) but at the same time I am feeling that need. All humans who have at one point had something be such a large part of their life do. I’m not thrilled that I’m feeling the need, miss or want, but, c’est la vie. One also shouldn’t have to treat someone who wishes to be their other half like a child…
All I keep thinking is – what do I want to have in my life, and what don’t I? What will I allow to permeate my life, and what won’t I? Where is my line and why am I drawing it? Where do I want to go, and when? Oh yes, the next couple of weeks shall be quite fun. *sigh*
I can’t help but feel as though these past couple of posts have been extremely scattered and I haven’t made any sense, so I do apologize if this is in any case the truth.