Removing the Supports

Today was the day.

8 months ago we were sharing the joyous news of our engagement with our families on Christmas Day. Today I completely removed him from my life. 8 months sure do fly by quickly.

How many ways must one remove someone and an entire history from their lives anymore? Let’s count…

  1. Facebook
  2. Twitter
  3. E-mails
  4. Skype
  5. Google Chat
  6. G+
  7. Pictures on phone
  8. Pictures on Facebook
  9. Pictures on computer
  10. Pictures on camera
  11. “Favorite” Tweets
  12. Files on computer
  13. Joint DropBox
  14. Joint E-mail account
  15. Wedding Registries
  16. Texts which started it all (all kept in an app as I was in England at the time and was texting via wifi)

I more than likely missed a few. I will admit, I haven’t yet had the time to remove the pictures off of Facebook, nor go through all the files on my computer (including the wedding files/bookmarks) but the plan is to do so this weekend. The registries I’m going to delete as well. I’ve kept them around because I have some amazing items on them (like this, this, this, this, thisthis, and every single kitchen appliance available in red) but it’s time to let go of it all. His number will remain in my phone, as I never delete numbers but rather change the name to something else. (crazy annoying ex from 2.5 years ago’s number was just deleted while I was in Cali)

Earlier today I came across another bloggers post which hits home – as it is precisely how I feel. It’s titled “Not To Be…” It’s incredible to see thoughts which fly across my mind in writing. By someone else, nonetheless! Check it out to see what I’m talking about. First time I read it I was at work and almost cried.

We agreed on an e-mail each to essentially finish off the relationship – while it seems as though he’s been attempting anything and everything to get me to come back, I’m standing firm – I know what I need and I’m acting on it. There are some things which still need to be sorted – he has a lot of my stuff, I have some of his stuff, but my dad will be meeting with him to do an exchange. No longer will I put myself in his presence. It hurts, it stinks, I can’t believe it’s come to this, but here we be. Here’s an excerpt from my email to him… (Also known as all of it minus the random things we still have to take care of…)

Since Saturday night/Sunday morning I’ve definitely decompressed a lot of things. We’ve been through quite a bit together, and you know me very well. You may not recognize it as such, but the way you reacted on Saturday and the things you’ve said since have just more cemented my feeling of you manipulating me. I know you have said that it isn’t that way, and you are expressing your love for me but it’s not come across like that very often.
At one time I did rely on you. I leaned on you. I needed to be told. I expected certain things. That was awhile ago though and I’ve changed.

You helped me step into the person I am today, so I am thankful for your time in my life. While it’s hard to imagine never talking to you again, I know no matter what your impact on my life will be lasting. I am now able to recognize things I never thought I’d have to. I am now stronger and able to handle my own issues. I am now looking at the future and seeing the endless possibilities available. I am now stepping in to the type of woman I am meant to be this day.

I’m sorry our separation must be to this extent, but it’s necessary.

Definitely not the easiest e-mail I’ve written, but I’d like to think I did a half decent job. I was asked if I thought he’d respond – really, I don’t know. I doubt it. He should have figured out by now that when I say “goodbye” I mean it. There’s no ‘winning me back’ or even me ‘crawling back’ to him in this situation. We both are walking away more pushed than ever before. What we do from here is up to no one else aside from ourselves. I hope the best for him. I really do.

Recently I’ve more and more been wondering “how do I do this? how do I handle everything that’s happening? how am I not an emotional wreck??” Others have been asking as well. Honestly, to this moment I have no idea how to answer. I know there’s a reason for me to go through the situations I do, but sometimes I wish the situations weren’t necessary and the lessons were just instinct.

Oh well. Another day is done. The process of removing all things which connect to him is well on its way and I’m still here.