My oh my…

My heart has been torn open and to pieces multiple times.
My words come from someone who has lived and pushed through a lot.
My thoughts are those which prove I’m no average 23-year-old female.
My actions show how much I’m capable of love.
My hands are those which have grasped on to hope, and been forced to let go.
My eyes have seen the truth of this world, and continue to search for the good.
My soul has been lifted and cannot accept anything less.
My mind attempts to stay on the positives.
My being, is not one easily forgotten, damaged or belittled.

I’ve lived a life. Why is that so hard to believe? Please, stop looking at my appearance and for once – just ONCE, listen to the words I say and the things my heart screams.

Chasing Dreams

It’s so easy to tell someone to chase after their dreams – it’s another to actually walk it out.

My life seems to be continually crazy and complicated – as if working 3 jobs weren’t enough, lets throw a fourth on – one which could catapult me into my dreams. At the same time however, it has the possibility to be my worst nightmare. Alas, the choices we are faced with. Part of me says – take it – go! And the other part reminds me of the hours spent on the road, the pay, etc etc… What IS a girl to do?!

How does one chase after their dreams without compromising their destiny? Is it possible that the correct doors open at just the exact correct moments? Oh life – what shall we do with you?

What Makes Life Complete?

Over 3 years ago I wrote the following, and I still feel pretty much the exact same. I’d like to think that says something about me and my character… (Also, what kind of 20-year-old was I?!?)

How will you ever know? (July 22, 2008)

So, yesterday and today I have been thinking about what I want for my life.
Immediately, I would love it if an apartment would go through and I wouldn’t have to worry about finding a place to live anymore. A week off from work to be able to take all of my closest friends with me away somewhere… Of course, we’d all get along perfectly even though the majority of them don’t know one another. Oh! And money would never be an issue… Hehe! Wisdom to know what to do and what to say when faced with a situation in which all you do is stand there. The feel of a guys arms around me. About 5 days filled with nothing but sleep just in order to catch up. An adjustment from my chiropractor… The list continues, but I won’t.
Just looking at that list however, it makes me wonder: why is it I feel these things would make my life is complete? Some of them are possible and even probable in happening; others don’t have a chance in the world.

In the long run of things, I’d love to live a long, full, happy, life. Have my own company that would reach out and touch people’s lives in some sort of way – hopefully it’ll be able to focus on women who have had abortions. Find a great guy who is on fire for God whom I will spend the rest of my life with, and one day have children with who are healthy, strong, and love God. That’s pretty much all that I want. Yeah, it would be great to be rich and not have to worry about finances, but money doesn’t buy happiness. If I were rich, I would most likely wind up giving the majority of it away to those who are less fortunate.

I realized last year that both of my brothers and I are the same when it comes to giving. We will give and not expect anything in return, just because we love to see others happy. I honestly don’t have a problem paying for my friends when we go out to eat (within moderation of course!) or even buying something for them when they don’t have the money. In the past few years I’ve noticed that my heart is one that will never say no when a friend is in a hard place. I won’t stop talking to someone just because they’ve gotten themselves into something. Heck no… That’s generally when someone needs the most support. I hope all of my friends know that I’m always there for them. If it’s an emergency I would totally cancel plans to go help them, anytime, anyplace, it doesn’t matter. I like to think that there are lots of people in the world who are like that. Isn’t it taught to us from a very young age to treat others the way you would like to be treated? Whatever happened to that? Those are words I practically live by. I hate it when people judge me, so it takes A LOT for me to judge a person. Most don’t understand that. This is a shame, because it’s the truth. It doesn’t matter what you tell me, I won’t hold anything against you.  In this world today people also aren’t used to others caring about them. This is one of those things that I just can’t help. I care about people way too much for my own good. Even if I hardly know a person, if I hear that they’re going through a tough time or things aren’t going the best, I’m completely there for them. This takes people off guard – who in this world cares about anyone besides themselves anymore?  *raises hand* I do!! Don’t believe me? Guess you don’t know me then. Agh! I hate it when people look at me and all they see is a ditzy, young, immature, crazy girl. There’s so much more depth to me than that, thank you very much. It cracks me up when people stray from getting to know me. *grins* You should never judge a book by its cover, you’ll never know what you’re missing.
*sigh*
Did I really just write another blog and come to absolutely no conclusions and not say anything too mind-blowing? Oy.
What a week… What a month… What a year… What a life.

Known Chords

A Minor… C… F Major 7th.

If you’re any sort of musician you more than likely understood that. If you’re me, you Googled it. In doing so, you’d find songs a million and realize those random letters, rankings and number are actually chords. Tonight I mean just one of those songs. No – it isn’t Coldplay, The Cranberries, Paul McCartney, Elton John or Led Zepplin. Rather it’s a Ray LaMontagne song. One which I heard not even 20 minutes ago on an old episode of House M.D. You see, I’m catching up on the seasons and am on season 5. I had forgotten how much I love the show – and the songs they play at the end, or near end, of an episode. Always so fitting, mostly unknown, and wonderfully timed. As soon as I heard the opening chords to the song tonight I immediately found myself time-traveling back to June 27. The night I drank way more than I should have, said things I shouldn’t have, and listened to “I Still Care About You” more than 20 times… Oh yes – the things we do when we’re hurting. Hearing this song made me feel the way I felt that night. Desperate, alone, wishing, hurt, fragile, desiring the toxicity to return. When the song ended and I found myself sitting alone on September 18, I had to knock myself around until I moved past those feelings from June and back in to the Danielle of September.
The Danielle who isn’t desperate, needy or alone. The Danielle who still tells the truth, because lying gets you absolutely nowhere. The Danielle who looks at her situation and wonders in amazement, not regret “What next?!” The Danielle who has no problem sitting on the floor of her childhood room, typing up her true thoughts, feelings and journey for complete strangers to join her through. The Danielle who looks back on her life over the past year and is in awe of all she accomplished and learned.

Isn’t that the point of life – to continually learn?

All Time Favorite Song

Have you ever really thought about what your favorite song of all time is? If so – have you thought about what it says about you? Is it dark and heavy – full of anger? Or is it light, fluffy, even possibly with the word “smile” in it? Or perhaps it’s all about love, whether lost, searching, or in…

For the past 7 years or so my favorite song has been “Here With Me” by Dido. Why? A mix of the harmony, lyrics, emotions, and overall smoothness. My heart is happy when I’m spending time with those I love and I wouldn’t want to lose the memories made with them, so I do whatever possible to keep them alive. That is, as long as the relationship is alive. If I were to pick a song to do a ‘final’ dance to, one which I could really interpret through my movements and have a sincere connection with, it’d be this song.

Today was the first day I could listen to “Here With Me” since June… My heart is healing. My mind is taking steps forward. My soul is coming into a place of peace.

Yes, I am still hurting and emotional, but there is growth occurring – wounds are healing – hope is developing.

Learning Over the Years

I stumbled upon some blog posts of mine from a few years ago. While reading them I couldn’t get past the fact that I was the one who wrote what I was reading. It didn’t seem possible. The words, thoughts, feelings – did I really go through all of them? At such a young age?

Don’t be surprised if over the next couple days a few more of these blasts from the past appear…

What if the answer had been “No”? (March 2, 2009)

Oh the things that happen in just a few months time.. It’s greatly deceiving when you look to the future and immediately think that it will take months, if not years for things to begin to change.This is not true to any point whatsoever.
Look back on your life the past month… 2 months… Think about everything that has happened and why it has happened. You will begin to see how easily and quickly things truly do change. This may be frustrating to those of you who do not appreciate or welcome change, but you must look towards your life goals… How do you plan on achieving them if you refuse to allow change in your life?
For me personally the new year already has presented itself with so many different changes I am believing what I had thought long ago… 2009 is the year of change.
You don’t have to agree with me, I don’t care. But I will testify to this being true.
I won’t get into the list of things that have happened in my life not only personally but also on a professional level. I do not see that being fit or even necessary to make this point. (what point? you ask… I’m not sure… I never am)
Gosh darn… Right now I’m quite frustrated with life… Ok, maybe not life, but those who are involved in it. I absolutely despise it when the world is promised on that wonderful silver platter, and then taken away like it had never even been presented. Don’t do that. Not to me. It’s happened too many times all ready and I’m sick of it. If you can’t deliver don’t make the promise. Ohhh I’m a stickler for making promises only if you plan on keeping them. Perhaps I should make that more of a known fact when people start promising the world, stars and moon…. *gr*
If nothing else, life is a time of learning, and I have done a whole lot of learning in these past two months and will continue to do so.
You will never know everything. Accepting this fact and knowing you know nothing will then in turn make you smarter than those who “know all”…

…..I hate tests…..

Yes, this post makes little to no sense… Yes, therefore it is totally me.

Lives Lost

There’s nothing surprising of the fact that the majority of American’s today took at least a moment and thought about 9/11/01. With it now being a complete decade since the events took place I can only express how happy I was to see the remembrance those around me showed. For the past couple of years it hasn’t seemed to be so on the forefront of people’s minds, unless they were directly affected. The country’s entire way of living drastically shifted in a moment – how could we not acknowledge it? So many innocent and unfinished lives were lost that day…

So here’s my question: Why do we feel like it’s okay to live each day, as if we are guaranteed a thousand more?

You should never let the sun go down on an argument. You should follow your heart, as difficult as it could be. You should reach for your dreams with every action. And most of all, you should always make sure those who you love and cherish, know how much you love and cherish them.