The Tickle

It all began with a tickle in my throat – you know those annoying little ones which make you cough and drink a lot until it goes away.

Earlier I was driving in silence – which is never a good thing for me as my mind goes off on all sorts of rabbit trails and deep thoughts. I found myself thinking about him. What else is an ex-fiancée to do?! Anyway, as I sat there barely paying any attention to the road (thank heavens it was an interstate with minimal traffic) my thoughts went back to a dream I’ve had a couple of times recently, and whether or not it pertains to him. Essentially the dream is about someone close (a friend) who has said things in order to tear me down and how I’m standing up for myself, shutting them up and continuing on my way. That sounds slightly familiar to me (okay, very familiar!) but why does it make me think of him when he hasn’t been in my life for a few weeks? Because the things he said to me still haunt me. I still get angry when I think about how he said “You should consider yourself lucky I didn’t know all those girls had crushes on me back in October, otherwise who knows what would have happened.” (oh yes – he said that.) or how he continually accused that “You always want to have the best stories” (calling me a story-topper and not seeing that all I was doing was proving I understood) or how apparently I’m a terrible singer and when he told me just a couple of months ago how all I’d need is a couple of lessons he was lying, and the list goes on – into things I can’t even recall. All of these words, lingering in the back of my mind just like a tickle in the back of your throat.

There comes a point in one’s life where they must make a decision. We all have had to make it, whether in a large way or small.
Will you allow the negative words of others in your past or present haunt your future?

Feature of Messages

Here is one thing I like about the iPhone – it keeps your voice mails, essentially until you delete them. Tonight, this is a feature I do not like.

Thing #2,593 to do when going through a break up: delete all voice mails sooner rather than later.

I received a call from a number I did not know, so naturally I didn’t answer. When they didn’t leave a message I wondered if they had ever called me before so I did a quick scroll through of missed calls and eventually moved on to voice mails. At which point I wondered to myself “Did I ever delete all of his messages??” So down I scrolled and found a few still lingering.
Being the girl I am I couldn’t just up and delete, I had to listen to them. There were ones he left which were frustrated, hurt, wondering, and then I scrolled down so far I was back in the days when our relationship was more sweet talk than anything else. Filled more with the likes of “Baby doll” and “I love you” and “I miss you so much” than anything else.
As I listened to these messages from my dear past ghost, at first I was filled with the emotions the messages were left with – frustration, hurt, wonder… But as we filtered into the love – the ones which he wished me a happy morning, reminding me that “Hey! It’s Friday!” with a smile… The one he left when I wasn’t feeling well and the sweetness and concern which every word dripped with… I looked up into the mirror and saw a girl with tears streaming down her face.
It feels like more than 3 weeks since I last heard his voice. Hearing it tonight, even though recorded and from the past, left me breaking down.

I know that eventually the day will come where I don’t find myself crying, or wondering.

Until then I find myself making an addition to the list of multiple ways you must remove someone from your life – delete all voice mails.

Dot Dot Dot

Ready for the random?

My full-time job let me know that in approximately two months I will no longer be needed there…
Life really needs to slow down because I am exhausted more than ever these days…
Decision making is not something I do easily, in fact I have troubles at the 99 cent menu at Wendy’s, so life-altering decisions are terrifying…
If one more person suggests I watch any of the following I will freak out: Firefly, Serenity, Dr. Who and… Oh shucks, there was another.
Being in such pain is terrible – eventually I’ll get to a doctor… Whenever I get insurance again. *gr*
I’ve been more aware of how much my heart hurts lately…
When I walk away from my phone for 8 hours, come back and nothing has occurred I feel alone, he made sure I never felt that way…
There are so many little things which take place every single day which remind me of him and the fact that he’s gone now…
An extended weekend means more work and even less down time – and never getting to the things which I really need to do for myself…
It’s scary to think about how I have to learn the details of yet another persons life, let alone allow them into my life…
Trying to continue on in my life is seeming to be more than I can bear – how in the world is he doing it?… I really shouldn’t wonder that, should I?
Oh well – who the flip cares – all I know is my mind is overwhelmed, my heart hurts and my physical being is in no way good. (still semi-sick-ish)
There are too many decisions to be made (location, job, school, life?!)…
Can someone tell me what to do… Please?
Or even better, can someone transport me into the future so I can see where I’m at in a couple of years? That’d help make a bunch of decisions, I’m sure…

I promise a more coherent entry is on its way… *sigh*

Tonight’s Soundtrack

On the way home tonight I plugged my iPod in, selected my “Favorites” playlist (all songs with 4 or 5 stars, almost 1,000 songs) and hit shuffle. This isn’t the first time this has happened, but it is the first time I’m taking note. Every song that played seemed as though it was hand-selected for me tonight.

1) Pardon Me – Incubus
2) Come in Closer – Blue October
3) Infiltrate – Worth Dying For
4) Best Thing I Never Had – Beyonce
5) Lost+ – Coldplay (off of Prospekt’s March)
6) Thinking of You – Future of Forestry
7) (If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To – Weezer
8 ) What If – Coldplay
9) After Your Heart – Phil Wickham
10) Let Love In – The Goo Goo Dolls
11) Seasons of Love – Rent Original Broadway Cast
12) Tonight, Tonight – The Smashing Pumpkins
13) Pins and Needles – Billy Talent
14) Set Fire To The Rain – Adele

Now, you may wonder what the message was on some of these. I’ll attempt to give a short summary as I’m rather exhausted at this point.
1) The entire song is essentially where I’m at; 23, fed up with the world, overwhelmed by life.
2) Having the desire of someone there, but the batch of wedding roses have been thrown away.
3) I’m going through life, this is my place and I’ll stand firm for my life.
4) Heh… I saw things I didn’t like and so I cut them out. I thought I found ‘forever’ but then things happened and I’m better off without… *sigh*
5)  I may be in a really hard place – but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s happening or how to handle myself.
6)  Don’t be afraid to go out and find all that’s out there.
7) This was the subject of one of the e-mails I sent my ex while we were on opposite coasts… Tonight though I really listened to the lyrics. Somewhere out there is one who will take one for the team and respect me enough to ask my parents permission before proposing.
8 ) This is what it feels and looks like when you don’t want someone by your side or in your life anymore… It’s sad, haunting and so full of hurt.
9) I know what I’m in the midst of, but I will always turn praise and affection to my God.
10) A person is so beautiful when they allow love in their life. Why keep that from the world? Be open to the love of your family and friends. Over time someone will come along who loves the love you emit.
11) Why bother measuring life in any other way than the love that is shared?
12)  Life is always changing, don’t be afraid, it’s great and amazing – every day you learn more. Believe in yourself, and believe in those who love you.
13)  This song was just added to my list this morning, and I find it more fitting for him to have it in his library than myself… He could have written it, I wouldn’t be surprised if he were to learn it at some point.
14)  Precisely how I feel – word for word – about the relationship… Such a strong, emotional and incredible song. Here’s the song in case you’ve (somehow) never heard it.