A year ago I was in love. I was 2,400 miles from the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I was in California for a year of training. Everyone who talked to me knew I was pre-engagement. The only time people saw me was at school, or maybe if they came to the house. There was barely anything outside of my life aside from him and school. I was surrounded by 1,200 others going through the same training, I had a group of 65 who were supposed to be there to support me, there was a small group of 5 which were meant to be my close friends, I had 4 roommates who barely knew anything about me… The first few months of my time in Cali, I wasn’t living my life.
Removed from that place and the relationship I now am seeing how many opportunities I gave up. How little I did outside of my relationship. I didn’t want to have a life in Cali, because it was a life without him. I didn’t want to connect with people, because I knew I was leaving in the Spring and never going back. I didn’t want to talk about anything outside of my relationship or him, people had to know that I was taken and things were wonderful – even if just from the outside. As far as I was concerned, my life was complete.
Why did I do this?
Because it was an unhealthy relationship based off of a mess of situations and therefore the actions surrounding the relationship were unhealthy and obsessive. I thought I had found love. True love. I was told I had found the type of love which only comes along once in a life. I believed all the things he told me about myself. He was my own personal “Mr. Know It All“. I was living a life which was so absorbed in another I had lost myself. I lost what it was I wanted to accomplish while in Cali. I lost what I wanted. I lost who I wanted to be… Thankfully things shifted sometime after the New Year.
Dang it’s amazing how when you look back you see what you missed out on… But at the same time, there was so much which happened and pushed me to grow.
I did step into the type of woman I wanted to. I did create friendships and bonds which will last. I did learn a lot about my future. I did study and walk away with more knowledge of God and His works.
All in all, the things I missed are made up for in the things I found.
I found the words flying out of my mouth before I could recognize what I was saying.
“If I would have had my way, things would have been different.”
The person I said it to immediately stopped me and replied that I HAD had my way. Ouch. What a revelation. I wanted something, I chased after it, I knew it wasn’t healthy for me, I wished it would change, it became more toxic as time continued, and the rabbit hole never came to an end.
The topic? The ex. The past relationship. The break up. How my heart is. What my thoughts are on that specific area of my life.
Truth hurts sometimes. Friends who push you to say what you truly believe are amazing. People who rise to accept you and comfort you while you’re down are precious. Recognizing that you messed up, only you can be held accountable and yet life goes on is priceless.
Even though you live in the same country, area, or town as someone else does not mean the two of you will understand each other. Words are just one way of communication, there’s also tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, overall demeanor – lots. Wonderfully so, each of us has been created with our own way of communicating. Annoyingly, most men do not understand women, and vice versa. There are countless times in past relationships and even in my day-to-day relationships where I wish those around me (especially the men) actually made sense and I understood. One minute, everything is okay – things are going along as they usually do, then suddenly – BAM! – out of no where it’s as if everything is turned upside down and the world has crashed. The only thing I ask when this occurs is — share. Share what the thoughts are which crossed your mind and led you to be an entirely different person, the situations which you are finding yourself in, the troubles of the people in your life…
The only way to make sure you are understood is to let your heart be known.
I’ve been put in some interesting and challenging positions lately. Quite a few of them have to do with how much I respect myself. Not if/how much others respect me – although, I did ask. What I found in my asking though wasn’t me wanting someone to tell me how much they respected me, but that I wanted to answer the question for myself.
With life happening how it is, I’ve come to notice that my self-respect is directly proportionate to my self-control. My self-control is determined by my own self-worth. My self-worth is measured by my self-respect.
Even when a girl is walking down a path all her friends are warning her against, she still learns a lot of lessons. I love my friends who are so dear and near they know my life and have shared their concerns with me, I hope they understand that no matter what happens I’m still learning and so far, all I’m learning is good.
My self-respect is higher than it was previously, and it grows with every obstacle placed in front of me.
This weekend both of my brothers had big announcements they shared with the world – my oldest brother and his wife are having a boy in March, and my other brother proposed to his girlfriend. It’s exciting news, worthy to be celebrated. When my brother and his new fiancée were spending time at my parents house I was keenly aware of how different the atmosphere was compared to my own engagement last year. The difference when something is right, accepted, and previously known is incredible. My brother went about proposing as (I think) any should. The ring was what she wanted – he asked her father’s permission – his family was in the know prior – and the proposal itself was beyond adorable… There’s just something about waterfalls. ^.^
Realizing how things can be so different led to a difficult weekend. While I wanted to be absolutely thrilled for the announcements there was still something in me that couldn’t help but be envious. I’m not the best at hiding things, as I shouldn’t especially when it comes to family, so I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone noticed.
It’s hard when you think it’s your turn and suddenly everything changes.
Originally I took on my multiple jobs as a way to fill my mind with thoughts outside of the pain from breaking up and canceling a wedding. Now, 4 months later I’m not dwelling on him or the relationship. I have too much on my plate, plus I’ve moved on. I’m ready to drop my 9-5, go down to two jobs, figure out my immediate plans, and take a break.
The need for things to distract me from my own mind is gone. What happened over summer is no longer in the forefront of my mind. It’s now time to handle my life.
It feels so good to be in this place. Looking forward, not wondering “what if”, being that friendly, flirty, loving, sweet young woman I am. It’s a nice change, for sure.
I’ve claimed to be here before, even said that I’m handling my life – but I wasn’t being honest with myself. I was projecting what I wanted to be truth.
One of the biggest issues of my past relationships was trust. It was difficult to continue trusting people when they didn’t give you reason to trust, but rather reason to question. Little things always mean a lot to me, this isn’t surprising if you know me for a while. The other day I found myself in a situation where someone who barely knows me handed me something personal of theirs and left me with it. I could have done anything, but I didn’t. The moment they walked away I realized this person trusts me – even though we’re only in the beginning stages of friendship. It took me off guard, but I was thrilled. People, even those just now meeting me trust me. I’m not afraid of people trusting me, in fact I love it. One of the qualities I think I carry well is trustworthiness.
When I was younger I used to lie about everything and anything, even when there wasn’t reason. When my mom looked at me one day and said “Your father and I have lost all trust in you.” it really hit. My heart instantly hurt. I realized that in lying to others, even about the smallest stupidest things I was hurting my relationships. Since then, I’m not a liar. I love it when people recognize that they can trust me, even with small things.
So! *heart* to those of you out there who trust me! Thank you for reminding me how valuable, treasured and respected I am.