The Heart of the Matter

When you have a full understanding of your heart, does that mean you automatically know where the issues are and how to handle them? Or maybe does it just mean that you know what’s best for you, yourself?

I started writing this back in July and realized I had absolutely no clue what was happening in my life. While I still don’t believe I know what’s happening I do think that I can meander a thought process which finds me in this once again.
The phrase “heart of the matter” is used often to signify where the start of something is.
Isn’t that just the truth – the heart is the start. Our feelings start in our hearts – not our minds. The feelings translate then into thoughts, which form into actions and reactions…
If something is convoluted, check your heart. If it’s hurting, you will know how to sort the matter.

The heart of the matter is found in the matter of your heart.

Positively Unique

Every single one of us is created to be unique. Finding those qualities and celebrating them takes time, confidence and understanding. When I was a child I used to think that the things which made me unique, were all negative. I had a speech impediment to the point most couldn’t understand me, because of my allergy/disease I couldn’t eat most foods, my hair was red, I had freckles, I was home schooled and I was always the tiniest in my age group.  What I’ve come to find is that by embracing my entire being, people are drawn to me.

For the past 9 years or so I have proudly stated that the majority of redheads have blue or green eyes and a redhead with brown eyes is extremely rare. Oh yes, I am one of those rare finds. Yesterday I finally learned why the mixture is so uncommon…
“Red hair and brown eyes are uncommon because there is a low chance that the gene for brown eyes will recombine onto a chromosome with the gene for red hair, and in order for someone to have red hair and brown eyes, they would have to have two copies of the gene for red hair and at least one copy of a gene for brown hair.” (source – also on that page it says that “Red hair is a genetic mutation.” I chuckled at this because it made me think of super heroes which are referred to as “genetic mutations”.)

My hair/eye color combination is just one of many qualities I carry which people remark on. Recently I’ve noticed that things I think as “just normal” or “common sense” are proving to be the opposite. Most others don’t comprehend things the way I do. From birth my journey was already planned. The trials, tears and pain I experienced as a child all helped shape me – mind, body and soul – into the person I am today.

By accepting you for you, others will accept you.

Anniversary for the Ages

10,950 days.
1,564 weeks.
360 months.
30 years.

No matter how you put it, 30 years is quite a bite of time. Today marked my parents’ 30th wedding anniversary. In today’s world, that’s an accomplishment seen less and less. In my 23 years of being a part of their lives I have seen and experienced the good and the bad. The pretty and the ugly. The tough and the spectacular. The disagreements I’ve witnessed are far outnumbered by the number of sweet moments, kisses and hugs. I’m thankful for all of it.

I’m no expert, but marriage is a lot of work. My parents were both young when they found each other. They knew they were meant for one another – for life. They stepped up alongside one another and, with God, battled through for 30 years. Each day that passes is a gift, as it’s meant to be. They themselves are gifts to one another, as they were created to be. Their paths came together and have remained such for 30 years.   With such great role models, who wouldn’t want to have that happen in their own life? I know marriage isn’t a cake walk – in fact, it’s one of the toughest things two people can endure because it’s for life…

True love lasts for all time.

The Desire for More

How many people are honestly content with their life? It’s become the normal to constantly desire more or something different. It bothers me when I see this in myself. Not just the desire of more or new or different, but truly feeling as though there really isn’t enough happening in my life or the things I want to happen aren’t.

My fortune cookie the other day said if you’re still hungry, have another cookie. While I love fortune cookies and generally keep the majority of my “fortunes”, this one made me think in a different way. If you’re not satisfied, try again, do more, look elsewhere, move on.

In my constant dilemma of my life I seem to always be craving more than what I have. I suppose this could be viewed as both good and bad. Good, in the fact that I’m not settling for just whatever – bad, in the fact that no matter what happens I will still be searching for more. I noticed this tremendously with my ex, I expected more from him than he was capable to give. He was incapable to give me what I desired though because he was so wrong for me.

It makes me wonder – when the right path comes along, will I be satiated or will I still be longing?


It was March 31, 2011 the last time I had the opportunity to dance like no one was watching. Last night I took someone up on their offer and used an open studio to finally let free the things which have been building up inside of me for the past 7 months. All of the lies which had been told to me, the hurt, the pain, the remorse, the strength, the life, the hope, the journey, the love, the life, the true growth which I’ve gone through — finally were released.

I know it was March 31 because that was the day I learned something about my ex. That was also the night he lied straight to my face – and for the first time I knew without a doubt he was lying.

Ever since I was a child I didn’t think I could properly express my heart in any way – except dance. No one can control me. No one can tell me I did something incorrectly. No one can lie to me. No one can make me feel worthless. No one can change my mind. No one when I dance.

The songs I danced to were on shuffle from a favorites list… A few which stick out are Boyce Avenue’s “Broken Angel”, Avril Lavigne’s “Not Enough”, Kate Earl’s “Melody” and Priscilla Ahn’s “Dream”.

Some days life finally gives you a chance to express yourself the best way you know how. There are certain things we all do which we believe to be the best for our heart, mind, soul and body. Giving an opportunity up to move along in your life is something none should do.

The Mirror

As I smile, the person looking back at me smiles.
As I allow a tear to fall, I observed another’s fall.
As I bite my lip, I watch as she bites her lip.
As I allow my gaze to slide to the right, her gaze slides as well.
I see a mature young woman who knows where she stands, is aware of her place, goes after what she deserves, has the ability to say what she thinks and has grown far and beyond faster than those around her imagined possible.
What I don’t see is me. I don’t see the person others see. I don’t see the one who has pushed so far in so little. I don’t see the smile above the tears and fears. I don’t recognize the fact others don’t see the hurt. I don’t understand how it’s possible to be so strong. Yet, here I am.
My heart, words, mind and soul are all connected. There is not one thing part of me which another doesn’t agree with or will not allow. I am aware, competent and discerning. So why is it that I see myself in a completely different light than everyone else? Why are we all our own worst critic? Why do we live in a constant state of feeling unworthy and lacking?

One thing is sure – my life is far from complete.

The Battlefield of Relationships

The things you say, do and think when in the beginning stages of a relationship are on full alert. You watch for the other persons response, whether positive or negative when you do anything. You learn their language – what they like and agree with and the things they disapprove of.

When you’re comfortable in your relationship you still take note of the things which are agreeable and disagreeable – but you don’t avoid them or cut yourself short. You get into things. You have debates. The level of understanding is deeper.

Post-relationship, you generally find yourself still being aware for a bit of time. Whether using your knowledge of their thought process to protect or harm them is dependent upon how the relationship ended and the type of person you are.

The process eventually begins with someone new…
It’s like you’re always in a battlefield.

  • Hand to hand combat is tough, but you know it’s there, you are involved in it from start to finish.
  • There are air strikes, the ones you can see and even hear coming from miles away, you have warning and time to be prepared.
  • Then you also have to watch for the mines – the ones you can’t see coming which blow up in your face when you least expect it.

In my experience, it’s the mines which are the worst.