Sometimes even when we do what we are supposed to, we still feel guilt.
As mentioned in “Hospitals, cars and weddings“, my dad has been sick lately and in the hospital. He was discharged last Tuesday, but by Thursday was unable to swallow. It was at that point he and my mom made their way to Hershey Medical Center – a much better hospital than the po-dunk one he had been in (where they found nothing wrong with him). For the past week my life has been consumed with concern for him and spending all of my free time with him and my mom at the hospital. Neither of my brothers are able to come to see my father, as one is in Austria and the other in Texas – both absolutely overwhelmed with work, new businesses, car issues and financial issues of their own.
Since my dad hasn’t been feeling well the emotional and physical drain on my mom has been obvious. On Thursday night while we were still in the ER waiting for the docs to admit my dad I saw my mom break. She allowed her husband hold her in his arms and let her tears fall on his shoulder. Seeing both of my parents in states I am simply not used to takes a lot out of me. On top of which I’m still juggling 3 (or is it 4?) jobs, a car which still isn’t fixed, friendships and what I believe people call “breathing”.
The guilt comes in to play in the sense which I don’t feel like there’s anything I can do which will ease the situation on either of my parents, I’m the only child in the area so I’m expected to either be with my dad or be at home taking care of things there (like the baby puppies!). On Friday night I had a ticket to go see one of my favorite performers who was in the area and it took all of me to leave my dad and go spend time ‘enjoying’ myself. The hours I spend sitting in the hospital room with my mom and dad I find myself thinking about the work I should be doing and become frustrated. When I realize I still haven’t cried at all it makes me wonder why I’m forcing myself to be so strong.
This is what I do though – even when my life is crazy, I push aside my own emotions and concern myself with those around me.