My mind has been fluttering between thoughts of my dad, work, my car, family, friends, puppies, the house, my ex, the holidays, my upcoming birthday, and so many other things recently it’s hard to keep track of life. Things have been occurring left and right with those I hold most dear, but still nothing can knock out my thoughts on this time of the year.
Last year I was in a different physical, mental and emotional state. I was looking forward to returning to PA and spending the entire Christmas break with my boyfriend. We had gone through a lot that first semester, but it was nothing compared to what we would face once I left for the spring semester.
One thing I remember discussing with him when we first entered into our relationship was how he had moved from western PA to central PA earlier than planned because things had gone awry with a girl out there. Something I just recently realized is, now that he’s older and girls pay attention to him, he can’t be single for long. It was only 4 months after we ended our engagement, and 2 months after he told me that he’d always be there for me (on the night we said goodbye forever) that he entered into a new relationship. That doesn’t quite add up for me in my world, I’m sorry. If you were truly committed to someone and honestly loved them you wouldn’t pick up the first person to come along and enter into a relationship with them. There’s something wrong with you if you do.
The inability to be alone exists from an incredible amount of fears.
Considering this is all occurring in his life, I’m not surprised. The light in which I have viewed him since June/August has revealed so many things, I can’t believe I hadn’t seen most of them while we were engaged. If his standards are so low and his fears so high that he is satisfied with this current relationship, wow. No wonder he wasn’t comfortable with me in the Spring. I pushed him to take responsibility for himself and to step up and be a man. In his eyes that meant attempting to pull me apart and tell me how I should be. Granted, I did this to a certain extent – but I longed for a spouse who was at least on the same level as me. It’s warned in the Bible to not bring yourself together with someone who is not on the same path as you. Because he and I had at one point been on the same level, the same path, I had desired to continue together – apparently though he just wasn’t up for it. My path took me further into a relationship with God and his… Well, he will do as he pleases.
My heart has longed for someone to be there for me, to give me a shoulder to cry on, to handle some of my errands, to spend time with me while I visit my dad, to discuss options with me, to compliment me on the things I get done, to remind me that everything will be okay – and hold me, to sit me down and chill me out… But I’m not stopping at the first guy who says Hi. My options to this point have all been lacking.
My standards are set so high now that even in the midst of the most difficult time I’ve ever had in my life, I’d rather be alone than with any of the guys who surround me.