My Valentine

Valentine, you are the one whose smile can brighten any moment. You are the one who loves without regard. You are the one who is worthy of this, and so much more. You are the one who is strong when I’m faced with difficulty. You are the one who accepts my faults. You are the one who encourages me to chase my dreams. You are the one whose heartbeat I live by. You are the one who inspires me. You have the laugh I miss when I go a day without. You are the unique soul which I admire. You have the wisdom that without, this world would be bleak to me. You are the one who reveals beauty. You are the one who worships without abandon. You are the one who knows all of my fears and tries to push them away. You are the one whose vision of life is inspiring. You left me for a time, and it was a grave period. My heart ached, my vision was blurred, there was no music for my body to move to, there were endless tears… Thank you for coming back. At first I wasn’t sure of your return, but as time passed I knew for sure you were once again with me. So, Valentine – never forget that you are loved, cherished, treasured and adored.

After 24 years, I figured it was about time to write myself a Valentine letter. If we don’t first love, honor and accept ourselves, how could we ever expect someone else to?

Impressed?

Sinking. Falling. Drowning. Gasping… Standing in front of him I realized he had no idea the power his eyes held. The moment his hand had so casually found mine was just another breath he didn’t remember taking. As his lips grazed mine I wondered why my stomach reeled as it never had done before. With the slightest of touches he pushed my hair behind my ear. It was then that I recognized all I had shared with him already was enough.

The variety of my laugh.
The deepness of my eyes.
The slightest twitch of my ears to keep from smiling.
The absolute care for others.
The ability to be so intense on a specific subject.
The grace behind my movements.
The nerd which attempts to hide behind perfume and labels.
The assortment of my interests. 

Enough to impress, I suppose.
At this point, I’m forced to wonder – when did being impressive become my new standard?  I thought I was attempting to be exceptional. One who wouldn’t accept impressing someone as reason enough. One who didn’t want to impress, but rather reach incredibly high expectations. One who was devotedly chased.
What happened to that woman?

The Red-Head Obsession

The topic of my hair has become an overwhelmingly large fascination in the past 3 months or so. I can’t seem to meet anyone who does not comment on my hair color. I really am not sure where it comes from or why – I’m not entirely sure I want to know either. There are so many rumors about red-heads, part of me wishes I weren’t so rare, but then again I’d lose part of who I am.  Quite a bit of it goes back to Positively Unique – in which I embraced and explained one aspect in which I am a unique individual. What I seem to have failed to realize is – outsiders recognize uniqueness too.
What is the first reaction when we find something that is unique? We want to hold on to it forever and discover all of its qualities (well, that’s how I am at least). For some people out there though they just want to know if what they’ve heard is true. Those are the people who don’t understand true value. They may say they don’t understand how anyone could ever leave something – but then after their fascination is gone, so are they.
I’m over being thrown aside and forgotten about. I deserve more than just a passing recognition or to be the answer to all of your questions.

The New Generation

With the slightest bit of the full moon peaking over the hills in Pennsylvania a phone rang. On one side was an excited man whose life had just changed in the most incredible of ways. The other side was a couple who were filled with anticipation for this very moment.

A new generation had just been born.

On Tuesday night I became an aunt. My oldest brother who lives in Austria and his wife welcomed into their arms a son, Joshua. While for the most part this entrance into the world was surrounded by overwhelming love, there was a hint of bittersweet. Joshua stands as the first grandchild for my parents – the first great-grandchild to my grandma – the first of nephews and nieces to any of my siblings. He arrived in a country far away from us though. It won’t be until May, when my family once again all gathers for my other brothers wedding, that this side of his family will be able to meet little Joshua. I’m not sure if I’ll feel like an official aunt until then. When it all comes down to it though – that’s okay. I’ve seen his face, fingers and toes. I know he’s a healthy little man and his parents are both well. In a couple of months when he’s squishy and even more adorable I’ll have my chance to love on him. Hope that little man is ready for it!

Joshua
Meaning: God is my salvation.
Spiritual Connotation: Bringer of Truth.
Scripture: James 1:25

Night Wanderer

Times which once were reserved for peace, serenity and rest have now been replaced by endless concerns, feelings and contemplations. Without realizing it my life has shifted to the point where I only find true repose after my body has reached exhaustion. I’ve turned into a nocturnal being only emerging when I am needed.
The hours which seem to take forever to pass in the night fly by without recognition. My soul cannot bear to contemplate where my life is going – the things which I have found in myself – the reasons I do the things I do. My distractions vary, but not one has yet proved to be beneficial.
Since my birthday circumstances have seemed to be endless. If it hasn’t been one thing, it’s been another. Silence has become my unacknowledged friend. I’ve found that rather than giving my thoughts wings to soar with my voice, I’ve kept them hidden. Why I have done this, I’m not sure.

Oh my soul, faint not. Keep up. 

In the midst of what I have found as a chaotic, crazy, overwhelmed life – I have become aware of the fact I must write. The silly thoughts, desires, hopes, questions, concerns, beliefs which pass through my mind – I no longer can deny.

Who wants to deny their own existence just because life has dealt them a complicated hand?