The last week I took part in an experiment. One which I never thought I’d have the moxie to do. Since I wrote “15 Diamonds” I have worn that ring, just about 9 months or so now. The very simple, delicate ring was bought with the intentions to be worn as my wedding band. Obviously life determined otherwise. My choice, and continuance of wearing the ring on my left ring finger was filled with so many different reasons.
I didn’t want people to look at me and see me as the girl who failed.
I didn’t want to feel empty.
I didn’t want to let a beautiful ring sit.
I didn’t want the question “What happened?” when I talked of my wedding plans.
I didn’t want to accept the fact that I came so close to what I have desired for so long, and I had to let it go. I didn’t want.
About a month ago it started to bother me. It had just served as the perfect reason for an unsavory fellow to leave my girl friend and I alone while walking down a street at night, but I couldn’t quite shake the thought from my mind that something wasn’t right.
After a bit of soul-searching I decided to swap the hand that the ring was worn on. After two days of attempting to wear it strictly on my right ring finger I realized that subconsciously I would continue to switch it back to the left hand. There is no part of me which is sworn away to another. There is no one in my life who stands in the position as soul mate (or whatever one chooses to believe in). Rather, it’s simply me. I could no longer fake the fact. It was time to accept it as it is. The last week I’ve been painfully aware of a very small tan line, the lack of bling, and the sinking in of who I am right now.
No longer wearing the ring is a choice. A choice to accept where I am in my life. A choice to accept that there is something better out there for me. A choice to believe that someday I will once again wear a ring on my left hand, but when I do, it’s going to be the one I love from the one I love. Not a ring I bought for myself to match the wrong ring.
In the mean time, I may go back to wearing my ring on my right hand – but I first have to meet a few goals I have for myself. Oh how I love a reward!
The other night I was watching an episode of Sex and the City (oh yes – I own the entire series and am not ashamed in any way) in which Charlotte exclaims that no woman should ever receive carnations – they are the filler flowers! Meanwhile Carrie shares with her love interest that her favorite flower is actually a pink carnation.
The entire scene made me laugh – I’m with Charlotte on this subject completely. Carnations are the flowers which promote the beauty in other flowers. I believe that a female should never be given a bouquet of carnations. Sure, they come in all sorts of color varieties, can be found essentially everywhere, are easy to take care of and last a very long time, so you would think they’d be perfect. But they aren’t.
Now, ladies – it’s the same situation with men – there are so many out there. You have to be careful and make sure that you have a guy in your life that when compared to the others is like comparing a single stem of your favorite flower with a single carnation. When you find him, that’s the man you need to hold on to.
I know from experience that a single carnation is sweet, it doesn’t make me feel special or like I am important. It made me feel second class. Simply put, it was the wrong guy, with the wrong flower.
It is said that it takes half the amount of time spent in a relationship to get over it. While this would be a wonderful way to tell how much time is left in the process, it’s entirely inaccurate.
The amount of time it takes to move past a failed relationship is dependent upon how involved you were in it. On all levels – physical, emotional, spiritual. I’m the type of person who when I am with someone, especially when it’s serious, I’m wholly committed. I never expect it to end. Therefore, for me to leave the past in the past it takes a bit.
When the memories appear the biggest trick is to allow the feeling to be felt for the moment necessary – but then move on. I was reminded of this today. Not only was there an event which crossed my path with which memories flooded my mind, but then someone told me that if I’ve truly moved on, I must move on from everything. Take the memories, let them in and then let them go.
Like a crashing wave upon the shore.
Allow the old to wash away, and the fresh to stay.
We all want to make sure we find the best in life, whether it is the best outfit for our shape, the best home for our family, the best car for our commute, or even the best type of food for our body. There is a constant search for these things because life is always evolving – there’s always something new and better. But what happens when there is nothing better? We leave behind what we believed life could best, and we find ourselves in a bit of a conundrum.
We passed up the best, for the search. This is when settling is no longer settling, but rather discovering what you are pleased with. What you are willing to take a chance with. There will always be a new car, outfit, food trend – but you must allow yourself to accept that what you have already discovered works for you, will continue to work for you. Even if you have to put a little work into it.
In our sleep, we all have dreams. Some people have one dream which repeats constantly throughout their life – others have dreams that come out of no where. Personally, my dreams are as random as which star will be the next shooting star.
Like most others, the majority of my dreams are forgotten as soon as I wake up and I never think of them or their contents again. Rarely I remember my dream as soon as I wake up, and even more rarely do I recall a dream in the middle of the day. Sometimes I can understand where my subconscious was able to create the dream from, and other times I’m lost at understanding it.
It’s no secret that I miss having someone in my life who I can turn to for anything, who cares about me more than I care about myself, who can read my moods more clearly than I can read the news, who is willing to share their entire life with me… Yet, I’m still shifting through the pieces to different puzzles, just looking for the one which works with my puzzle.
There was no need for a thorough taunting from my ex presented in the form of a forgotten-until-the-middle-of-the-day dream to remind me of that though.
The events which leave a negative mark on your life will make you aware, and even, cautious of putting yourself in a similar situation. While this is helpful to a certain extent, at what point do you stop being wary and allow yourself to be swept up? The depth of the pasts’ impression is parallel to how deep and involved you must become in a new circumstance before you let go. No matter how opposite and surprising the new circumstances project themselves to be, there is always the concern that the past will repeat.
What does it take to accept that there are some events which will not turn out the same as what you have previously experienced?
When you walk around with a certain type of personality people tend to call you a heartbreaker. Trust me, I know this as a fact. Most guys in my life have called me a heartbreaker at least once, if not more. The other week I really started to think about this though. Am I really a heartbreaker? No, I’m an optimistic realist.
At this point, you may be wondering — “What IS an optimistic realist?” I am more than obliged to let you in on the secret…
An optimistic realist is a person who will always see the best, hope for the best, as well as believe anything is possible regarding people and situations but knows that some things just will never work.
An example of this would be recognizing that a new acquaintance will never become anything more than just a friend, even if the acquaintance doesn’t wish to be just friends. When the stretch of your hand in the form of a friendship is not enough and you realize that no matter what the acquaintance will not be satisfied, you feel sad. In the long run however, it’s always best to be realistic with who you will allow to enter your life on a deep level and be honest about it.