Follow Your Inner Moonlight…

Don’t mind my random ramblings…

Things are going well, in the full scheme of things. Yes, there are challenges – but that is how life goes. Tonight I am stuck. I have quite a few things to do for school, as well as personally, but it seems as though my mind is on vacation. At the least, it is preoccupied with trying not to dwell on the facts. The facts? The facts are things that are and cannot be altered. There are those which are good. And then there are those which are not. There are the facts which push you to grow. And then there are the facts which seem to stunt you where you are. Any and every part of life has its facts. With school, work, home, relationships, personal and other – everything can be broken down into one of these categories.

Finding the time to sit down and do my school work is challenging. Being motivated to write essays on topics I do not even begin to have any sort of passion for is practically impossible. Putting a project together on a country which I have already visited and didn’t necessarily enjoy is low on the list of interesting things to do. I know what I want to do, but I do not know how to get to that point. Without a doubt, I want to work with children in orphanages. Show them some sort of love and kindness – prove to them that there are people out in the world who truly do care and they are not alone. My heart twists every time I see parents who yell at their children calling them names or demeaning them in any sense. Sadly, I feel like I see that every day.

I’ve always been a great actress, and I feel as though that should be a requirement for my job. So many days I walk in and do not want to smile, talk, or be peppy and warm. All the things which are required to be a great employee in a major retail store. Work isn’t a place to bring your personal life in to, so I leave it at the door. I try to at least. Every once in a while when I’m not helping a customer I find myself feeling entirely overwhelmed and struggling to maintain my composure. I do though, every time. Because I am capable of handling anything that is thrown my way.

My baby puppy, Ava, will be turning two years old soon. It is easy to see she has not had the attention she deserves. It is difficult to give her the attention when I barely have any time when I’m at the house with her. I have found that losing two hours a day driving to and from the house has been detrimental to my ability to raise her properly, and also to accomplish essentially anything when I am at the house. It is “the house” and not “home” because it isn’t my home. I don’t have a home. I don’t have a place where I truly feel comfortable enough to relax, cook dinner, have “me” time. Since moving out of my apartment in Mechanicsburg in August 2010, I haven’t ever felt home. I’m not a person who can survive without a home – I need it. I require it. Otherwise there’s a lot of unrest.

On the outside everything looks great. Everything looks perfect at times. It isn’t until you get into the meat of things do you realize how many things are not even close to perfection. There’s a constant striving – striving to be the best daughter, friend, confidant, equal that anyone ever could be. I’m afraid to disappoint anyone. Every move I make I wonder who it will affect and how. Through this I’ve put myself through more stress than I ever should. This stress has truly taken its toll on me the last couple of months. Since the beginning of the year I have dropped a couple of pounds because I lost my appetite, and when I would force myself to eat I would get sick after only a couple of bites. On my tiny frame, a couple of pounds is impossible to miss. Especially when it’s closer to ten. Attempting to resolve and push my body back into something more normal is no fun, but it’s where I’m at.

It’s times like these that make it so apparent as to how desperately I need to dance, write or paint. Express myself in one form or another. After 25 years I still prefer to dance even though my body revolts as soon as I stop moving. It’s always been, and maybe always will be, the truest form of freedom I know.

And yes, I still say that things are going well in the midst of this. I have some challenges to overcome, some issues to accept, recognize and ultimately grow from and a lot of fear to deal with.
In some sense or another though that is all of us.

“Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness.” – Allen Ginsberg

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Who Said?

Who said…
… Life was easy?
… There wasn’t more to understand?
… Getting over someone should take half the time of the relationship?
… School is easier than a job?
… 24 hours is enough in a day?
… You aren’t allowed to drink too much every once in a while?
… Screaming is not okay?
… Getting lost is not an adventure?
… Your age catches up to you?
… It isn’t okay to divulge your sweet tooth with double dark chocolate gelato?
… Dreams mean nothing?
… Memories that make you smile should disappear just because of who you were with?
… Crying is silly?
… It’s bad to be jealous?
… You should be content with what you have and never desire more?
… Your heart can only break once?
… There is no reason to fight for what you want?
… You can’t make a difference?
… Your life means nothing?
… You aren’t important?

Night Wanderer

Times which once were reserved for peace, serenity and rest have now been replaced by endless concerns, feelings and contemplations. Without realizing it my life has shifted to the point where I only find true repose after my body has reached exhaustion. I’ve turned into a nocturnal being only emerging when I am needed.
The hours which seem to take forever to pass in the night fly by without recognition. My soul cannot bear to contemplate where my life is going – the things which I have found in myself – the reasons I do the things I do. My distractions vary, but not one has yet proved to be beneficial.
Since my birthday circumstances have seemed to be endless. If it hasn’t been one thing, it’s been another. Silence has become my unacknowledged friend. I’ve found that rather than giving my thoughts wings to soar with my voice, I’ve kept them hidden. Why I have done this, I’m not sure.

Oh my soul, faint not. Keep up. 

In the midst of what I have found as a chaotic, crazy, overwhelmed life – I have become aware of the fact I must write. The silly thoughts, desires, hopes, questions, concerns, beliefs which pass through my mind – I no longer can deny.

Who wants to deny their own existence just because life has dealt them a complicated hand?

Power

The other week something happened and through this instance I realized that sometimes ignoring things gives them more power. So, here I am acknowledging the instance and not hiding anything.

I had decided months ago that I would remove the remaining connections with my ex on Christmas Eve, exactly 365 days after the proposal. It was the completion of a time in my life – the release of one feeling and season and the step into another. Months ago I walked through removing spiritual ties (necessary for every broken relationship) but my life still felt icky – parts of his life still lingered in the house. So, I handled the removing of him as I felt I should. Afterward I felt so free – fresh – clean. Such a glorious feeling, one which I knew was exactly what I had been looking for. Just in time for Christmas too 🙂

In the middle of the night I woke up to my phone notifying me of an email – I sleep through those notifications all the time regularly. This wasn’t just any email though – it was one containing a new comment on one of my posts.

After months of silence, my ghost had decided my personal blog was in need of his voice. While you can go to the post and directly see his comment here, I’d just like to add a few words of my own.

This blog began as a way for me to express my feelings without being judged. This blog continued because I realized I needed an outlet. This blog has never once been purposefully used to attack anyone or anything. This blog contains my thoughts, feelings, emotions and opinions, which by the United States Constitution is covered under the first amendment as freedom of speech. I am extremely open with my life, but I also try to be very careful with the words I use, because words do have power.

While my personal growth is overwhelmingly obvious when reading through these posts, apparently some will never be able to accept or see that. I don’t control how those of you who read this take the things I say. I don’t control how you feel about the words I write. I know that the only thing I control is how I feel about myself. I refuse to become defensive about my life, thoughts or opinions. I will, however make statements and declarations…

I’m proud of how far I’ve come. I’m proud of how I’ve handled my life. I’m proud of what I have done and the things I have said. I’m proud of where my life is going. I’m proud of who I am and who I’ve become. I’m proud that I continue to stand strong and refuse to be shattered, shaken, or disgraced. I’m proud that no matter what anyone says I know I am a Princess and a daughter of THE Most-High King.

When it comes down to it – I’m proud of myself because I know I’m walking the path I should be and I’ve been correct in the decisions I’ve made.

Standards

My mind has been fluttering between thoughts of my dad, work, my car, family, friends, puppies, the house, my ex, the holidays, my upcoming birthday, and so many other things recently it’s hard to keep track of life. Things have been occurring left and right with those I hold most dear, but still nothing can knock out my thoughts on this time of the year.

Last year I was in a different physical, mental and emotional state. I was looking forward to returning to PA and spending the entire Christmas break with my boyfriend. We had gone through a lot that first semester, but it was nothing compared to what we would face once I left for the spring semester.
One thing I remember discussing with him when we first entered into our relationship was how he had moved from western PA to central PA earlier than planned because things had gone awry with a girl out there. Something I just recently realized is, now that he’s older and girls pay attention to him, he can’t be single for long. It was only 4 months after we ended our engagement, and 2 months after he told me that he’d always be there for me (on the night we said goodbye forever) that he entered into a new relationship.  That doesn’t quite add up for me in my world, I’m sorry. If you were truly committed to someone and honestly loved them you wouldn’t pick up the first person to come along and enter into a relationship with them. There’s something wrong with you if you do.

The inability to be alone exists from an incredible amount of fears.

Considering this is all occurring in his life, I’m not surprised. The light in which I have viewed him since June/August has revealed so many things, I can’t believe I hadn’t seen most of them while we were engaged.  If his standards are so low and his fears so high that he is satisfied with this current relationship, wow. No wonder he wasn’t comfortable with me in the Spring. I pushed him to take responsibility for himself and to step up and be a man. In his eyes that meant attempting to pull me apart and tell me how I should be. Granted, I did this to a certain extent – but I longed for a spouse who was at least on the same level as me. It’s warned in the Bible to not bring yourself together with someone who is not on the same path as you. Because he and I had at one point been on the same level, the same path, I had desired to continue together – apparently though he just wasn’t up for it. My path took me further into a relationship with God and his… Well, he will do as he pleases.

My heart has longed for someone to be there for me, to give me a shoulder to cry on, to handle some of my errands, to spend time with me while I visit my dad, to discuss options with me, to compliment me on the things I get done, to remind me that everything will be okay – and hold me, to sit me down and chill me out… But I’m not stopping at the first guy who says Hi. My options to this point have all been lacking.
My standards are set so high now that even in the midst of the most difficult time I’ve ever had in my life, I’d rather be alone than with any of the guys who surround me.

“Too”

I have a lot to me. There are a lot of layers. There are a lot of thoughts. There are a lot of beliefs. There are a lot of things which are part of me which I haven’t even yet recognized. These are the reasons why I’m never surprised that the guys who have been in my life have eventually said something along the lines of “You’re too much” or “You’re too complicated”. What seemed like devastation in the moment has proven to only be a blessing. They were right – all of those guys who ever said those things. They were entirely correct. I am too much for them. That is why not one of them has been the one. Yes, some have gotten close enough for me to believe they were the one, some closer than others. When it came down to it though, I am “too” for them. In one way or another, they have all failed. Even those who said so confidently I wasn’t too much for them to handle.   I have no doubts that there is someone out there for me – one who will look at me, all my layers, beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and be in forever awe and amazement. I’m not scared of being with someone who is always presenting more, because as humans we’re never finished. In the mean time, I’ll continue being “too” for all of those others.

Embrace

With each day that passes my heart goes through so much. Every single day I wonder “I thought it was going to get easier?” Well, maybe now it will.

All of the friends (Facebook) which he had just because he was in my life have been notified and most have removed him as their friend. My computer has been purged. My Facebook has less photos on it. Pretty sure the only thing that’s left to do is the registries and his number and messages in my phone…

It’s amazing what one can go through in a year. It was exactly a year ago tonight that I drove away from my apartment and began my journey across the country to Redding, California. Seems fitting that today is the day I begin yet another journey. I feel like I’ve been “starting” a journey for a while now. It feels as thought I’ve said something about the such in every other one of my posts.

Earlier today when I was going through and removing things, I saved the “Engagement!” folder of pictures on FB for last because I couldn’t bring myself to deleting it. Tears formed, and fell, as I clicked through those acceptances. When I came downstairs my mom had to give me a hug and remind me that I have to step through some things – not jump over them. Sometimes you just have to embrace the tears and let them flow rather than fight against them. Sometimes you have to allow yourself to feel and break instead of standing tall and saying you are okay. I’ve been through a lot – I am strong but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel and express. One can be strong but still show their tears, hurts and pains. It’s what and how you handle it which determines ones strength.

…Right? *sigh*