Flash of Familiarity

Over time most, if not every, person who is involved in your life will remind you of someone you once knew. Their disposition, physical features, personality – anything and everything. Lately this has been happening a lot regarding a few of my ex’s. I believe that the more you allow a person to impact your life, the more similarities there are to discover in others. It’s been interesting the past couple of weeks – I’ve noticed the slightest thing and immediately I’ve been transported to a time and place of the past. While these flashes aren’t always the kindest, they definitely are reminders of what I want to avoid.
I love how much knowledge it’s possible to gain just from experiencing something once.

Power

The other week something happened and through this instance I realized that sometimes ignoring things gives them more power. So, here I am acknowledging the instance and not hiding anything.
I had decided months ago that I would remove the remaining connections with my ex on Christmas Eve, exactly 365 days after the proposal. It was the completion of a time in my life – the release of one feeling and season and the step into another. Months ago I walked through removing spiritual ties (necessary for every broken relationship) but my life still felt icky – parts of his life still lingered in the house. So, I handled the removing of him as I felt I should. Afterward I felt so free – fresh – clean. Such a glorious feeling, one which I knew was exactly what I had been looking for. Just in time for Christmas too 🙂
In the middle of the night I woke up to my phone notifying me of an email – I sleep through those notifications all the time regularly. This wasn’t just any email though – it was one containing a new comment on one of my posts.
After months of silence, my ghost had decided my personal blog was in need of his voice. While you can go to the post and directly see his comment here, I’d just like to add a few words of my own.
This blog began as a way for me to express my feelings without being judged. This blog continued because I realized I needed an outlet. This blog has never once been purposefully used to attack anyone or anything. This blog contains my thoughts, feelings, emotions and opinions, which by the United States Constitution is covered under the first amendment as freedom of speech. I am extremely open with my life, but I also try to be very careful with the words I use, because words do have power.
While my personal growth is overwhelmingly obvious when reading through these posts, apparently some will never be able to accept or see that. I don’t control how those of you who read this take the things I say. I don’t control how you feel about the words I write. I know that the only thing I control is how I feel about myself. I refuse to become defensive about my life, thoughts or opinions. I will, however make statements and declarations…
I’m proud of how far I’ve come. I’m proud of how I’ve handled my life. I’m proud of what I have done and the things I have said. I’m proud of where my life is going. I’m proud of who I am and who I’ve become. I’m proud that I continue to stand strong and refuse to be shattered, shaken, or disgraced. I’m proud that no matter what anyone says I know I am a Princess and a daughter of THE Most-High King.
When it comes down to it – I’m proud of myself because I know I’m walking the path I should be and I’ve been correct in the decisions I’ve made.

From The New Year

Exactly a year ago, I thought I knew what the year before me held.

This year, I have absolutely no idea what to expect. Makes me think that maybe it’s better to not know what will be occurring than to have plans. Because obviously our plans get foiled.

This year – I resolve to only make plans which I find in God. That way, I won’t have any disappointments or unfulfilled plans.

I walked into last year as a part of someone else. This year – I’m me. Just me. Single. Solo. Individual.
Who knew that a revelation could be so violent? When you have no light in your relationship – you’re lost/confused/without the ability to see. I stepped out of that in 2011 and stepped into a wiser, more knowledgeable, stronger woman who isn’t afraid to shed light on the areas in which she finds herself.

That single characteristic which I acquired will continue into the rest of my life. The person who pushed me to become that woman however, will not. My life is mine. To be lived and walked out in the ways I believe are what God has intended. I may stray, but the important thing is that I always return. I came back. I returned home. My journey continues from here.

I wrote the above early in the morning on the 1st.
Situations as they have presented themselves in the past couple of weeks led me to post this prior to posting any other thoughts I have had recently.
Many more thoughts, feelings, dreams and adventures to come!

Everything Except the Canvas

One of my roommates in Cali was a painter. A wonderful one at that. When she needed to refocus or just calm herself she pulled out her paints, paintbrushes, canvas and laid it all out – in the kitchen, in the backyard, in her room – it didn’t matter where. From time to time I’d walk by to watch her work. The way the colors all blended together, the strokes which filled the canvas, the layers which added depth – all amazed me. Near the end of my time there she brought out all of her supplies and asked the rest of us if we wanted to join her. After debating, I jumped on board. I love to be creative, and painting is something I haven’t really ever done – unless you count those pictures every child creates with the dollar watercolors or finger paints. As I watched an image that was only in my mind slowly be created on this canvas I was enthralled. When I finished the piece, the feeling of accomplishment was overwhelming. I turned it around and wrote #1 on the back – as it was a gift to a very dear woman who had treated me as her own daughter while we were in school together.

Since then I’ve wanted to paint more. Back when there was a relationship in my life and the other person in it pushed me to find my own hobbies, I figured painting could be one of them. I wanted to be like Allie in The Notebook. Have a guy who loves her so much that even if she isn’t in his life he builds a house exactly like the one she wants – including a room just for her to paint in. *smiles* It’s sweet.  Well, anyway. Once the relationship ended I threw myself into work and activities, absolutely denying myself the ability to express myself in any form aside from this very blog you read. The desire to do something I had found pleasure in while he was in my life was stripped away. Only recently have I longed to pull out a canvas and create a world – one which only I had knowledge of. So what did I do? Well, I went and found a small collection of paints (a 12 color starter set of sorts) and a small bundle of paint brushes – Merry Christmas to me! The only thing I’m missing is the canvas. The blank slate. The empty world. The openness to whatever.

Isn’t that just the way it goes in life? We have to be open – willing for whatever is next before it hits and starts on a new picture (season) of your life.

I think I’m ready for my canvas now…

Miss Grinch

The grinch. We all have heard of him and know the type of person. I’ve never been a big fan when it came to Christmas. I’ve always felt it was over-hyped and more materialistic than remembered for the reason it exists. This year my feelings are a little bit more evident though. Most people accept the fact that my dad is in the hospital as reason enough to not be in the chipper, friendly mood usually found at this time. Others though still argue with me that I should still be listening to Christmas music, wrapping presents and otherwise smiling and joyful.
In my life, if I put my mind on something and have it planned out, it has to happen. Otherwise, I’m not sure how to accept the non-happenings. This is what I’m experiencing, on top of memories of Christmas last. All of this on top of my dad (still) being in the hospital, I’m just not even interested in the fact that Christmas is on Sunday.
So, call me a grinch – you won’t be the first.
I dislike Christmas songs and movies, commercials for jewelry make me scream, seeing couples or families in vehicles increases my push on the accelerator, relationship status changes lead to avoiding the book of faces, hearing of people’s plans to visit their family, trim trees, bake cookies, exchange presents and be merry together is just too much for me.
All I know is that I’d be better if I could burn memories from my mind, forget the plans of a first Christmas, be finished at a job I thought I’d have done weeks ago, not have a father who’s in the hospital and feel settled enough to say I’m ‘home’.
This is me, Miss Grinch.

Standards

My mind has been fluttering between thoughts of my dad, work, my car, family, friends, puppies, the house, my ex, the holidays, my upcoming birthday, and so many other things recently it’s hard to keep track of life. Things have been occurring left and right with those I hold most dear, but still nothing can knock out my thoughts on this time of the year.

Last year I was in a different physical, mental and emotional state. I was looking forward to returning to PA and spending the entire Christmas break with my boyfriend. We had gone through a lot that first semester, but it was nothing compared to what we would face once I left for the spring semester.
One thing I remember discussing with him when we first entered into our relationship was how he had moved from western PA to central PA earlier than planned because things had gone awry with a girl out there. Something I just recently realized is, now that he’s older and girls pay attention to him, he can’t be single for long. It was only 4 months after we ended our engagement, and 2 months after he told me that he’d always be there for me (on the night we said goodbye forever) that he entered into a new relationship.  That doesn’t quite add up for me in my world, I’m sorry. If you were truly committed to someone and honestly loved them you wouldn’t pick up the first person to come along and enter into a relationship with them. There’s something wrong with you if you do.

The inability to be alone exists from an incredible amount of fears.

Considering this is all occurring in his life, I’m not surprised. The light in which I have viewed him since June/August has revealed so many things, I can’t believe I hadn’t seen most of them while we were engaged.  If his standards are so low and his fears so high that he is satisfied with this current relationship, wow. No wonder he wasn’t comfortable with me in the Spring. I pushed him to take responsibility for himself and to step up and be a man. In his eyes that meant attempting to pull me apart and tell me how I should be. Granted, I did this to a certain extent – but I longed for a spouse who was at least on the same level as me. It’s warned in the Bible to not bring yourself together with someone who is not on the same path as you. Because he and I had at one point been on the same level, the same path, I had desired to continue together – apparently though he just wasn’t up for it. My path took me further into a relationship with God and his… Well, he will do as he pleases.

My heart has longed for someone to be there for me, to give me a shoulder to cry on, to handle some of my errands, to spend time with me while I visit my dad, to discuss options with me, to compliment me on the things I get done, to remind me that everything will be okay – and hold me, to sit me down and chill me out… But I’m not stopping at the first guy who says Hi. My options to this point have all been lacking.
My standards are set so high now that even in the midst of the most difficult time I’ve ever had in my life, I’d rather be alone than with any of the guys who surround me.

Someone Like You

The best songs come from personal experiences. Adele has been through her fair share of things and has been thrown into the limelight because of her unique sound, songs and overall emotional connection.  On her latest album (21) she has a song titled “Someone Like You” (link to her in-home performance of it) which encompasses her past relationship.
While I absolutely love and adore Adele as well as this song, I have an issue with it for my own personal life. I don’t want someone who is the same. I don’t want to go through everything again. I don’t want him. So when I sing that line of the song I change it. There is no “someone like you” rather it is “someone better than you”. Also, that relationship is over for me. It doesn’t continue in my mind, heart or soul.

There was a day not too long ago which was filled with my version of this song. I had been informed that he had moved on and was in a new relationship with a girl even younger than I. Ironically this relationship became public knowledge the same day as my “Break Up Competition” post (not when I heard about it though). How did I handle learning about the relationship? It took me a bit, but I got to the point where I truly meant it when I sang along with Adele on lines such as “I wish nothing but the best for you”.

No matter how much he hurt, used or played with me and my heart…