Four Days

Wednesday, June 13 5:53PM is when it all began. The four following days were so monumental I want to share them with whomever so chooses to know.

The 13th marked an exact year since my ex-fiancé and I were no longer engaged. Because of this fact I had no desire to talk with anyone. After I got off of my shift at Victoria’s Secret I finally made the decision to head to a Starbucks, at which I had become a regular in the previous two months. The barista who took my order recalled my name for my cup, even though I could only remember seeing him twice in all my ventures. I took a seat outside and immersed myself in the story of a prostitute and a man who came into her life, forgiving her for everything and loving her as she is (Redeeming Love). After half an hour or so the barista came outside and asked me what I was reading… 45 minutes later his break was long over and I had learned a lot about him and his heart, but I had to be on my way to meet a friend. The barista and I exchanged numbers and planned on meeting later that night to continue talking.
It was 11 before I made my way to our meeting location. As I walked in I reminded myself that this was just a man who wanted to talk with me, he wasn’t interested in me and I didn’t have to worry about anything like that. But still, there were small butterflies in my stomach.
All night we stayed up. Talking, sharing stories and facts, laughing at whatever random thing came up. 6:45AM on Thursday the 14th he looked at me and asked if I was hungry – I was. He asked if I liked French toast – I do. Without hesitating he then said “We’re going to Philly.” and I found myself in his front seat.   He didn’t know, but for the last month and a half I had been craving French toast and never made it for myself. Why’d we have to go to Philly? Because he knew of a great cafe which served amazing stuffed French toast. The 14th was spent in and around Philly. We found ourselves at the KOP mall and after I walked around a store I took a seat next to him on a bench and laid my head on his shoulder. All day long we would look at the clock and remark at how early it was – time was moving so slowly and we were enjoying every second. That afternoon we were seated in a restaurant for an early dinner when I received a text message from my dad – my 4 month old nephew in Austria was not feeling well and they didn’t know what was wrong. Upon relaying this information, the man who was just a barista to me, pulled me out of my chair, took me out of the restaurant, put his arms around me and began praying. My heart skipped a few beats. The rest of the afternoon was spent together. By the time we parted ways it had been 23 hours straight with each other.    We had seen each other cry and laugh, we shared our heartaches, triumphs, and the majority of our life stories with one another. He asked me before I got out of his car if he could take me on a date the following day. I said Yes.
Friday, the 15th, we met and he took me to his hometown, stopping in first to meet his mom and sister at the family’s cafe. It was a brief meeting, but monumental nonetheless. He had never introduced a girl to his family. He took me to a grotto, which has a lot of meaning to him. As we sat there, we couldn’t help but recognize how natural everything felt. As we took a hike up a hill to overlook the town I immediately took the lead. About halfway up he took over. The entire way we talked. Talking is something we did a lot of. Looking out over the town for two hours we got lost in each others words, the natural beauty we were surrounded by, and how much we understood one another. He took me to a little Italian restaurant for dinner – where for a moment he felt as though he was back in Italy, but this time not alone. We closed the restaurant and decided to walk around the area for a while. Rather quickly we found ourselves on the steps at the back of the Capitol building. Staring up at the night sky and chatting for a few hours felt like no time passed at all. He told me that he wanted to see me every single day. I wasn’t about to complain at the notion – I desired to see him as often as possible.
Saturday, the 16th, both of us had to work. We weren’t sure when we’d see each other, but we knew that it would work out. As I was finishing a customers transaction I looked up and was surprised to see him standing there. He dropped in before his shift started to say Hi and bring me a drink, which I needed after the very small amount of sleep I managed to get. That evening I had plans to go downtown with a friend, so when he got off of work and she and I hadn’t really started our night yet I invited him along. The night was still young when my friend went back to her house so he and I walked around only to find ourselves at the Capitol for the second night in a row. We discussed fears and feelings that night. I knew the moment would come and I’d have some things to say, but I didn’t want to scare him and share too much too soon. After taking a few deep breaths I knew the time had come. Trying to prepare him for what he was about to hear I said “I don’t want to freak you out, but there’s something I need to tell you…” Moments later 3 very important little words floated out of my mouth and it was perfectly okay. He had been feeling the same way. For the first time since meeting I finally allowed him to stare into my eyes – like he had tried to do so many times. That night lasted forever – until the sun started to creep above the horizon.
Sunday, the 17th – day four. He wanted to hold strong to his desire to see me every day, but I was in no mood to get in the car and leave the house. To my surprise and delight he asked if he could come up after he got off of work. I said Yes. In the afternoon I realized that a man was going to be entering my parents house and my parents had no clue he even existed. So I began telling my mom a little about what had happened up to then, and then my daddy came home and I told him. They both were willing to stay up a little and meet this guy who I rather liked. The meeting was so different from any other meeting I had ever been through (for those interested – there were two other meetings which involved a guy and my parents). He was comfortable, honest, and in a good mood which my parents reacted to. At one point my daddy asked him what his intentions were and he responded “To see your daughter every day.” When my mom followed up by asking “Do you think that’s feasible?” and my dad responded “Yes” before anyone else had a chance to say anything, I just sat there silent. It was the meet that I had always desired. A man who felt comfortable in my parents home, meeting them before he and I discussed anything long-term, not thrown off by any question, honest and not wishing to hide anything. After my parents went to bed he and I walked around the park and eventually laid in the field. I was astonished by how things were going and still amazed at how natural everything felt. He felt comfortable and unfazed by his first meeting with parents. As we laid there recounting the evening we saw a shooting star.

In the 9 months I had been going to the Starbucks he worked in, I had never noticed Bruno. He had noticed me every time I came in while he was working though. I have a feeling that if I had noticed him, our relationship would be entirely different.

Our greatest feats to this point are that we have seen each other every day and each day we love each other more.

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Carnations Among Us

The other night I was watching an episode of Sex and the City (oh yes – I own the entire series and am not ashamed in any way) in which Charlotte exclaims that no woman should ever receive carnations – they are the filler flowers! Meanwhile Carrie shares with her love interest that her favorite flower is actually a pink carnation.

The entire scene made me laugh – I’m with Charlotte on this subject completely. Carnations are the flowers which promote the beauty in other flowers. I believe that a female should never be given a bouquet of carnations. Sure, they come in all sorts of color varieties, can be found essentially everywhere, are easy to take care of and last a very long time, so you would think they’d be perfect. But they aren’t.
Now, ladies – it’s the same situation with men – there are so many out there. You have to be careful and make sure that you have a guy in your life that when compared to the others is like comparing a single stem of your favorite flower with a single carnation. When you find him, that’s the man you need to hold on to.
I know from experience that a single carnation is sweet, it doesn’t make me feel special or like I am important. It made me feel second class. Simply put, it was the wrong guy, with the wrong flower.

Flash of Familiarity

Over time most, if not every, person who is involved in your life will remind you of someone you once knew. Their disposition, physical features, personality – anything and everything. Lately this has been happening a lot regarding a few of my ex’s. I believe that the more you allow a person to impact your life, the more similarities there are to discover in others. It’s been interesting the past couple of weeks – I’ve noticed the slightest thing and immediately I’ve been transported to a time and place of the past. While these flashes aren’t always the kindest, they definitely are reminders of what I want to avoid.
I love how much knowledge it’s possible to gain just from experiencing something once.

Hollywood

Hollywood has created the perfect unreal relationship. In each movie, there’s always that singular moment which we all wind up searching for in our own relationships. The look, touch, sigh, song, kiss… Even the first intercourse between the two characters. No matter what it is – after that one happening the two are instantly a happy couple.
Why are we trusting an industry which is known for blowing things out of proportion, creating false realities, pushing people to become someone else, and lying as if it’s going out of style? Why are we looking to these movies, characters, and even the actors as guides to our own personal love lives?

Last time I had a first kiss there were no fireworks which shot off, and there was no perfectly timed and beautifully written instrumental piece which began to play in the background. Last time I saw a guy who I thought was attractive and caught eyes with, he did not come up to me and we did not immediately commence in witty banter. Last time I snuggled with a guy we had to adjust ten million times before we were both comfortable. Last time a date came to a close I walked myself to my car. Last time I allowed a stranger to buy me a drink it did not come with his number on the napkin, and he certainly never approached me. Last time I danced with a guy in a club it did not end with us leaving together, or even with each others’ numbers.

My life is no Hollywood movie and frankly, I’m thrilled it isn’t!

Power

The other week something happened and through this instance I realized that sometimes ignoring things gives them more power. So, here I am acknowledging the instance and not hiding anything.

I had decided months ago that I would remove the remaining connections with my ex on Christmas Eve, exactly 365 days after the proposal. It was the completion of a time in my life – the release of one feeling and season and the step into another. Months ago I walked through removing spiritual ties (necessary for every broken relationship) but my life still felt icky – parts of his life still lingered in the house. So, I handled the removing of him as I felt I should. Afterward I felt so free – fresh – clean. Such a glorious feeling, one which I knew was exactly what I had been looking for. Just in time for Christmas too 🙂

In the middle of the night I woke up to my phone notifying me of an email – I sleep through those notifications all the time regularly. This wasn’t just any email though – it was one containing a new comment on one of my posts.

After months of silence, my ghost had decided my personal blog was in need of his voice. While you can go to the post and directly see his comment here, I’d just like to add a few words of my own.

This blog began as a way for me to express my feelings without being judged. This blog continued because I realized I needed an outlet. This blog has never once been purposefully used to attack anyone or anything. This blog contains my thoughts, feelings, emotions and opinions, which by the United States Constitution is covered under the first amendment as freedom of speech. I am extremely open with my life, but I also try to be very careful with the words I use, because words do have power.

While my personal growth is overwhelmingly obvious when reading through these posts, apparently some will never be able to accept or see that. I don’t control how those of you who read this take the things I say. I don’t control how you feel about the words I write. I know that the only thing I control is how I feel about myself. I refuse to become defensive about my life, thoughts or opinions. I will, however make statements and declarations…

I’m proud of how far I’ve come. I’m proud of how I’ve handled my life. I’m proud of what I have done and the things I have said. I’m proud of where my life is going. I’m proud of who I am and who I’ve become. I’m proud that I continue to stand strong and refuse to be shattered, shaken, or disgraced. I’m proud that no matter what anyone says I know I am a Princess and a daughter of THE Most-High King.

When it comes down to it – I’m proud of myself because I know I’m walking the path I should be and I’ve been correct in the decisions I’ve made.

Standards

My mind has been fluttering between thoughts of my dad, work, my car, family, friends, puppies, the house, my ex, the holidays, my upcoming birthday, and so many other things recently it’s hard to keep track of life. Things have been occurring left and right with those I hold most dear, but still nothing can knock out my thoughts on this time of the year.

Last year I was in a different physical, mental and emotional state. I was looking forward to returning to PA and spending the entire Christmas break with my boyfriend. We had gone through a lot that first semester, but it was nothing compared to what we would face once I left for the spring semester.
One thing I remember discussing with him when we first entered into our relationship was how he had moved from western PA to central PA earlier than planned because things had gone awry with a girl out there. Something I just recently realized is, now that he’s older and girls pay attention to him, he can’t be single for long. It was only 4 months after we ended our engagement, and 2 months after he told me that he’d always be there for me (on the night we said goodbye forever) that he entered into a new relationship.  That doesn’t quite add up for me in my world, I’m sorry. If you were truly committed to someone and honestly loved them you wouldn’t pick up the first person to come along and enter into a relationship with them. There’s something wrong with you if you do.

The inability to be alone exists from an incredible amount of fears.

Considering this is all occurring in his life, I’m not surprised. The light in which I have viewed him since June/August has revealed so many things, I can’t believe I hadn’t seen most of them while we were engaged.  If his standards are so low and his fears so high that he is satisfied with this current relationship, wow. No wonder he wasn’t comfortable with me in the Spring. I pushed him to take responsibility for himself and to step up and be a man. In his eyes that meant attempting to pull me apart and tell me how I should be. Granted, I did this to a certain extent – but I longed for a spouse who was at least on the same level as me. It’s warned in the Bible to not bring yourself together with someone who is not on the same path as you. Because he and I had at one point been on the same level, the same path, I had desired to continue together – apparently though he just wasn’t up for it. My path took me further into a relationship with God and his… Well, he will do as he pleases.

My heart has longed for someone to be there for me, to give me a shoulder to cry on, to handle some of my errands, to spend time with me while I visit my dad, to discuss options with me, to compliment me on the things I get done, to remind me that everything will be okay – and hold me, to sit me down and chill me out… But I’m not stopping at the first guy who says Hi. My options to this point have all been lacking.
My standards are set so high now that even in the midst of the most difficult time I’ve ever had in my life, I’d rather be alone than with any of the guys who surround me.

How To: Become Engaged Without Dating

Here is the simple formula to follow if you wish to become engaged without ever once being on a date.

Invite the person of interest to an all-day-into-night movie marathon and cuddle.
Spend a month following movie marathon in separate countries messaging non-stop.
Learn he considers himself a student and barely has enough money to scrape by on his own and say “no problem”.
Once united allow yourself to believe you are a couple.
Hang out at either your house, or his place of living – never go anywhere.
Do most of the driving because he doesn’t have money for gas.
Meet up with friends and chill at different houses.
Take time to learn one another’s quirks and discuss the future within a month of getting together. (all done whilst ‘hanging out’ at someone’s home)
When he asks you to marry him with no ring and no possibility of getting one after a month of hanging out – say yes.
At the point which he tells you he has no secrets and will never lie to you – write it down in your journal and squeal every time you realize you didn’t ask him to say that.
Visit his family and spend a whole week with them – get them to love you just by being you and reciprocate the feeling.
After 5 weeks when he tells you who you are and goes on for 15 minutes – break down, cry and respond by telling him no one has ever understood you before.
If presented with the challenge of living on different coasts, make sure he knows how serious you are about staying together.
Ignore the fact you live somewhere you’ve always wanted and spend most of our time inside Skyping with him.
Don’t question him too much when he isn’t around or doesn’t call when he says he will.
Let him tell you everything he thinks you want to hear and act like that’s all you need.
When you fly halfway around the world make sure you get a long layover near him so you can see each other. Both ways.
Don’t tell your friends when he puts you down or makes you believe things you shouldn’t.
Plan out your two weeks back in town around his schedule and how much time he wants to spend with his family – because it’s ‘easier’ to be the couple you are with them than with your own family.
When you even think of questioning him or standing up to him, mentally slap yourself.
After you’ve told him multiple times about how you do not want to be proposed to on a cliché holiday such as; Christmas eve, Christmas, New Years eve, New Years, your birthday or Valentines day – respond on December 23 with, “it’s not that important, you can propose whenever you like.”
Allow him to think that it’s fine if he doesn’t ask your fathers’ permission to marry you and it’s not that big of a deal.
When you look at him and wonder “is this really it?!” push yourself to believe of don’t deserve any better.
And lastly, even though you’ve had your dream ring picked out since you were 14 and he is well aware of the fact, make an exception and accept the ring he “bought” off of his brother from a previous failed engagement because he doesn’t have any money.
Never say a word because you are in a relationship with a 28 year-old full-time student who will stay up all night playing a new expansion to a video game but won’t do the same to talk to you, who hasn’t held a steady full-time job in years, who won’t have a Christmas gift for you until his parents give him money, who has the ability to make you think whatever he wants, who has no issue with putting expenses on your credit card relying on the fact you will get a job to pay it off in due time, who is okay with you giving up your dreams just so he can chase his, who has self-worth issues and looks for confirmation in any women around him, who only pushes his spiritual relationship deeper because you push him to, who says he will do anything for you but rarely does a single thing aside from what you set up, who will continue to make you feel used even after you have a break down explaining it to him, who when opportunity presents itself will allow another girl to kiss him while the two of you are engaged, who will disagree with thoughts and beliefs which are strong in your life and will turn arguments around so it always ends with an issue in your life, who doesn’t like your family and refuses to spend any extended period of time with them because he believes they don’t like him, and most — who was entirely correct when he said you were too good for him.