Breaking Free

This past month has been such a chaotic time for me. Weeks spent crying at the drop of a hat. Thinking I’d never talk to my ex-fiance ever again. Searching for a place to call home. Giving up a puppy to take a different one. Watching a house be demolished slowly in an ugly fashion. Wishing to move back to Cali, the place of peace for me. Talking to my ex, discussing things with him, starting to work through things. Going back to the place of comfort. Recognizing the absolute need to move on and deal with my heart, my hurt, me. Planning (after essentially being told to leave by my parents) a trip which will remove me from this state over two weeks in August which will cover the date which was to be the wedding. Beginning to finish another goal (because everyone has wishes, hopes and dreams) and realizing the need to write about what’s happening.

While my goal for this blog will I’m sure seem muddied at first, I assure you that it is in existence out of pure necessity for my sanity. Every person in the world has a unique journey in their life, I just am willing to share mine with whomever would like to read it.

I mentioned all those seemingly insignificant things earlier, because they all do have significance to me and my life.

Since I left Cali in mid-May I have felt very unsettled. This is because I have been living in the guest room of a family’s house and I have never before found myself in a situation like this. For two years prior to my move across the country I lived with a roommate in my own apartment. I established myself. I settled in. I was home. Cali was an adventure – living in a house with 4 other girls, amazingly it worked out well but I still missed all of my things. I’d love to be in a place, and have all of my dishes, towels, movies, paintings and such with me.
– I still have things to find and recognize, so I can’t settle.

My parents decided to breed their two shih-tzu puppies and wound up with a litter of 5. Originally my mom fell in love with the first-born and wanted to keep her in the family so suggested I take her when I returned to PA, I agreed without hesitation. The puppy was the only one with more white than brown – one of her eyes had a brown patch – her eyes were different colors – she was a little rascal – she was the first to recognize when someone walked through the door – she had more spunk than she knew what to do with – she had an attitude and it was obvious she thought herself better than her siblings – I saw a lot of things in her that I have in me, she was perfect for me. The youngest of the litter wound up with a bit of a respiratory issue because her muzzle is shorter than normal so my mom didn’t want to sell her… Thus began the debate. Someone offered to buy the first-born (who I named Roxie) and when my mom talked with the lady she said about taking Roxie to obedience school and having her trained to do all kinds of things, she’d be home with her all summer because she is a teacher. It was hard for my mom to say no, so she asked me what I wanted to do. Eventually I came into an understanding and gave up Roxie and took Ava (the youngest).
– Just because I saw something as being the perfect situation for me, it doesn’t mean it really would be the perfect situation for me, let alone the other party.
– Letting go and accepting there are other things out there is tough, but you will be rewarded in the end. (Ava is a sweetheart… and her own type of rascal and little miss attitude. 🙂 )

My parents live right off of the main street in a small town, and a house on the corner had to be torn down. Day 1Day 8Final Destruction It was the news in the town, and probably will remain to be for a while. The interesting thing about the way they had to handle the destruction is that because it was on the corner with no room to go anywhere they had to gut it out and then chop away at the walls. They had to be careful too because the house next to it was actually connected electrically. The destruction on the house began the same day my relationship started to fall apart. The ugly, nastiness of the house was just a visual of what was occurring in my life. What came out of it – which you can faintly see in the Final picture, is the house next door was given a chance to leave their house in a different direction – there are steps which were hidden. The perfect synchronicity between the destruction of the house and my personal life was striking.
– Removing parts from your life is a careful process, but there’s a surprise waiting for you when you do.

Last week I approached my ex-fiance about taking time off from communicating with one another, after a bit of explaining he understood why I needed it but didn’t agree. This is the time in which I focus on me and my heart – I have experienced a bit of pain recently and need to allow my wounds to heal. This, is where we find me today. Still hurting. Still healing. Still moving forward.