Clothed in Ivory

I’ve mentioned it a few times but never have I completely explained the story…

Last January, fresh off of becoming engaged to a guy in PA, I returned to California for the Spring semester at school. Every day I woke up asking for a sign as to what I should do – stay in Cali or move back to PA. Every day I searched and begged for a clear sign from God. Just one sign, that’s all I needed. The second to last Saturday in January I had decided that it was time to go to Sacramento and try on dresses. Just for fun. Because that’s what an engaged girl does!
When I walked into the store with three of my friends, I didn’t have an appointment. Because of a little bit of patience and others canceling, I managed to attain one 10 minutes later just as we were ready to walk out the door. As I found myself describing what I had envisioned for my dress I realized how real the engagement was. There was one dress which I had particularly noticed in my searches online. Sadly the store was not carrying it that day but the assistant said she would find a few others which were similar. Back in the fitting room she helped me get into one which was elegant, but I didn’t have that feeling. The second one she brought made me look 12 (because that’s easy enough to do already). The third went on and immediately I began to smile. The smile that slides across your face when you know something is right. Never one to believe something could be that easy, I tried on 9 more dresses (so a total of 12) before returning to that third one. The one which when I put it on for a second time felt even more right than the first. The smile was broader, the feeling was more right, the material was more soft, the fit more perfect. It was more in all ways good.
It was then that I was told someone in the store was purchasing the dress for me. The most beautiful dress was being given to me as a gift. The dress which was beyond my price range, someone wishing to remain anonymous was purchasing for me. The dress which symbolizes innocence and purity, was found. My sign which I had been asking for was being handed to me.
So I stayed. Grew and moved beyond the things which were holding me back. Eventually ended the engagement and stretched into the me of today. All because of that beautiful ivory gown.
The dress was a gift, and is a gift. It still hangs in my parents’ house. I refused to look at it for the longest of times. Just the other week I took my first peek at it and it is more gorgeous than I remembered. I have finally reached the point where when I think about or see the gown, I smile. Previously I believed it was too good for the occasion which it was to be worn. But I realized it was only because the guy wasn’t the right one. The dress will be worn, as a reminder of how good God is as well as symbolizing the innocence and purity it is meant to.
This time around, I’m determined to do things right.

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Not Over vs. Impacted

It’s crossed my mind multiple times lately how over my ex I truly am. I suppose that my continual looking back doesn’t make it seem that way though.
Here’s the thing – I really am over him. The hurt, pain, trials, heartache… There’s no reason to not be over the relationship. However, I have been impacted by it. Perhaps that’s why some people come up with the conclusion that even after a year I’m still holding on.
The other week I was on the phone with my best friend discussing the relationship and I mentioned how someone had just questioned whether or not I was over it. She was astonished that anyone would ever consider even asking me that.
I will not claim that this past year has not been a maze. I will not claim that I was not an emotional wreck the first few months. I will not claim that I never think of him. I will not claim that I never miss being with someone.
What I can claim however is that no part of me wants to be in a relationship like the one I was in. No part of me wishes to have my ex in my life at this time. No part of me is able to recall being in that relationship without also recalling the hurt.
I learned a lot from the relationship – so I will often pull on those lessons in my daily life. In no way does that say I’m not over the relationship. Rather, proves that I have come so far that I am now able to recognize the bad from the good.
Preparing for this month I was a bit lethargic, sentimental, and overall reminiscent. With what I believe is good reason though. I don’t find it possible to hit your one year anniversary of ending an engagement as well as what would have been two years of being in that relationship without thinking back and recognizing what all has happened in those years. To date, two years ago I was arriving in England – the land I consider home. One year ago I was in PA working and celebrating a good friends’ 21st birthday. So what? I remember a lot of things and when exactly they happen. Doesn’t mean that I’m stuck in the past and unable to look toward the future chasing after the goals which I have in my life.
Everyone’s past experiences impact how they live.

Addiction

It hit me the other night as I was driving to a friends house. When I realized it, it took all of me to stay focused on the fact I was driving. Why had I never realized it before?   I had become addicted to my ex while we were in a relationship.  Looking back I’m able to see that because of how things were formed and how I clung to him and the thought of being in the relationship, that when it ended there was a mess.
When you quit something you’ve become dependent on, it takes time, there’s usually a bit of backsliding, and it’s difficult to let go. Which is exactly what had happened to me last year.
I know it may seem a little ridiculous for me to even be thinking of these things yet, but this is who I am. I look back on things and somehow always find new lessons. It’s not that I look back because I’m depressed, so please don’t think that.
Last summer after we ended our engagement, I had an unbelievable pull to stay connected with him. I gave in at times and allowed myself to once again be caught up in a fantasy. For months he truly was an obsession. Only after I truly broke all the ties with him did I no longer have the desire, need or even craving to look in on his life.   There’s a difference between being addicted to someone and being in a relationship with them.  When it came to the two of us, our relationship was one based out of a forced codependance. Somehow this realization of how deeply I was fixated with him took almost a year. I needed it though.
When you are young, caught up, and manipulated it’s easy to become addicted.

Lightning Upon a Picket Fence

You know how we all experience things that we know no one else will understand or believe, but we will never forget? I believe that there are lots of those moments hidden within relationships.
There are the things which you have never experienced before and so when they do occur you literally (if you’re me) stop in your tracks and wonder how this could be possible.
The experiences of my past relationship seem to have all been preparing me to appreciate a mature relationship. You know, one in which you are actually respected and honored.   This has become exposed to me by my friendships recently. I haven’t put a front on and attempted to be someone who I thought the other wanted me to be, and for that I have both gained and lost friendships. Those which I have gained (and sometimes even lost) have proven to be beyond beneficial for me. I’ve gained the types of friends you wish you could do more for to show your appreciation. One thing they all have in common though is the fact that they each have genuine concern for me, push me to understand why I feel what I feel, and are great at helping me work through problems without making me feel like I have more problems than I really have.  I have had a huge issue in the past with trust. My experiences with guys is that which I have no trust in them, their decisions or even their friends because they never gave me a reason to trust them. So for me to trust someone is similar to lightning on a picket fence. It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does, not many are made aware. I’m currently working on trusting those around me, because if I can’t trust my friends who stand by me, how do I ever plan on being able to trust someone when I am in a relationship with them?   Granted – a lot of it has to do with their character, but let’s all hope I’ve stopped attracting boys and am now attracting men. You know, those who deserve to be trusted.

Ring of Fire

The last week I took part in an experiment. One which I never thought I’d have the moxie to do. Since I wrote “15 Diamonds” I have worn that ring, just about 9 months or so now. The very simple, delicate ring was bought with the intentions to be worn as my wedding band. Obviously life determined otherwise.   My choice, and continuance of wearing the ring on my left ring finger was filled with so many different reasons.
I didn’t want people to look at me and see me as the girl who failed.
I didn’t want to feel empty.
I didn’t want to let a beautiful ring sit.
I didn’t want the question “What happened?” when I talked of my wedding plans.
I didn’t want to accept the fact that I came so close to what I have desired for so long, and I had to let it go.
I didn’t want.
About a month ago it started to bother me. It had just served as the perfect reason for an unsavory fellow to leave my girl friend and I alone while walking down a street at night, but I couldn’t quite shake the thought from my mind that something wasn’t right.
After a bit of soul-searching I decided to swap the hand that the ring was worn on. After two days of attempting to wear it strictly on my right ring finger I realized that subconsciously I would continue to switch it back to the left hand.    There is no part of me which is sworn away to another. There is no one in my life who stands in the position as soul mate (or whatever one chooses to believe in). Rather, it’s simply me. I could no longer fake the fact. It was time to accept it as it is. The last week I’ve been painfully aware of a very small tan line, the lack of bling, and the sinking in of who I am right now.

No longer wearing the ring is a choice. A choice to accept where I am in my life. A choice to accept that there is something better out there for me. A choice to believe that someday I will once again wear a ring on my left hand, but when I do, it’s going to be the one I love from the one I love. Not a ring I bought for myself to match the wrong ring.
In the mean time, I may go back to wearing my ring on my right hand – but I first have to meet a few goals I have for myself. Oh how I love a reward!

Flash of Familiarity

Over time most, if not every, person who is involved in your life will remind you of someone you once knew. Their disposition, physical features, personality – anything and everything. Lately this has been happening a lot regarding a few of my ex’s. I believe that the more you allow a person to impact your life, the more similarities there are to discover in others. It’s been interesting the past couple of weeks – I’ve noticed the slightest thing and immediately I’ve been transported to a time and place of the past. While these flashes aren’t always the kindest, they definitely are reminders of what I want to avoid.
I love how much knowledge it’s possible to gain just from experiencing something once.

Power

The other week something happened and through this instance I realized that sometimes ignoring things gives them more power. So, here I am acknowledging the instance and not hiding anything.

I had decided months ago that I would remove the remaining connections with my ex on Christmas Eve, exactly 365 days after the proposal. It was the completion of a time in my life – the release of one feeling and season and the step into another. Months ago I walked through removing spiritual ties (necessary for every broken relationship) but my life still felt icky – parts of his life still lingered in the house. So, I handled the removing of him as I felt I should. Afterward I felt so free – fresh – clean. Such a glorious feeling, one which I knew was exactly what I had been looking for. Just in time for Christmas too 🙂

In the middle of the night I woke up to my phone notifying me of an email – I sleep through those notifications all the time regularly. This wasn’t just any email though – it was one containing a new comment on one of my posts.

After months of silence, my ghost had decided my personal blog was in need of his voice. While you can go to the post and directly see his comment here, I’d just like to add a few words of my own.

This blog began as a way for me to express my feelings without being judged. This blog continued because I realized I needed an outlet. This blog has never once been purposefully used to attack anyone or anything. This blog contains my thoughts, feelings, emotions and opinions, which by the United States Constitution is covered under the first amendment as freedom of speech. I am extremely open with my life, but I also try to be very careful with the words I use, because words do have power.

While my personal growth is overwhelmingly obvious when reading through these posts, apparently some will never be able to accept or see that. I don’t control how those of you who read this take the things I say. I don’t control how you feel about the words I write. I know that the only thing I control is how I feel about myself. I refuse to become defensive about my life, thoughts or opinions. I will, however make statements and declarations…

I’m proud of how far I’ve come. I’m proud of how I’ve handled my life. I’m proud of what I have done and the things I have said. I’m proud of where my life is going. I’m proud of who I am and who I’ve become. I’m proud that I continue to stand strong and refuse to be shattered, shaken, or disgraced. I’m proud that no matter what anyone says I know I am a Princess and a daughter of THE Most-High King.

When it comes down to it – I’m proud of myself because I know I’m walking the path I should be and I’ve been correct in the decisions I’ve made.