If you know me in person you know that my life has been the messiest and craziest it’s ever been.
Every day has become a roller coaster of emotions due to divorce and custody proceedings, fears and attempting to calm a tumultuous sea.
My heart is so overwhelmed. My mind has had challenges or questions I hadn’t anticipated. My soul is hurt.
A high level of uncertainty is impacting every aspect of my life.
I don’t even know how often in a few months I will have my child in my custody. I finally have the baby boy I loved, cried for, and dreamed of for years and he might not be with me every day… it’s heartbreaking to think about.
The choices my (ex) husband made years ago broke my world to pieces a year and a half ago and have created aftershocks in my current life.
All I want is to be happy, safe, and have my happy little family with just some level of certainty.
Times which once were reserved for peace, serenity and rest have now been replaced by endless concerns, feelings and contemplations. Without realizing it my life has shifted to the point where I only find true repose after my body has reached exhaustion. I’ve turned into a nocturnal being only emerging when I am needed.
The hours which seem to take forever to pass in the night fly by without recognition. My soul cannot bear to contemplate where my life is going – the things which I have found in myself – the reasons I do the things I do. My distractions vary, but not one has yet proved to be beneficial.
Since my birthday circumstances have seemed to be endless. If it hasn’t been one thing, it’s been another. Silence has become my unacknowledged friend. I’ve found that rather than giving my thoughts wings to soar with my voice, I’ve kept them hidden. Why I have done this, I’m not sure.
Oh my soul, faint not. Keep up.
In the midst of what I have found as a chaotic, crazy, overwhelmed life – I have become aware of the fact I must write. The silly thoughts, desires, hopes, questions, concerns, beliefs which pass through my mind – I no longer can deny.
Who wants to deny their own existence just because life has dealt them a complicated hand?