Tigers and Doodles

Seasons come and go.  Literally and figuratively.  Things are always changing. Each day is different from every other. Even when it feels like you live the same life every damn day.

You are the only constant.

Every new thing that enters your life can easily be viewed as an uncertainty. How you relate to that uncertainty has a lot to do with personality type.

When faced with new situations, some will be entirely thrilled and they’ll thrive because it’s how they are hardwired. Others, will slink back into the shadows and wait until they know it is safe and what to expect.

There’s no right or wrong way to handle things. I’ve had that exemplified in my life to an extreme degree recently. The challenges I’m currently facing in my life are those that many others have had to walk through, but the way I handle myself as I navigate this world is completely the way I will choose to – not how anyone else has or will.

So What

Life is a rollercoaster.
We all feel it. We all think it. We all say it. But that’s about as far as we let others into our lives sometimes. I’ve always prided myself on being open and honest about what I’m going through, but the last year has proven to be too challenging to open up with publicly.

In the last few months I have had some of the highest moments of my life so far, as well as some of the lowest. From seeing my child squeal with delight when I come into view to finding myself crying on the dashboard wondering what the hell happened.

Y’all. We never know what a day will hold until it’s done.

Yesterday’s affirmation was so appropriately timed I didn’t even know it until the day was over.
//My experiences make me stronger, wiser, and more prepared.//

They really do.
.
.
.
Especially when everything and nothing has changed.

Transition

tran·si·tion \tran(t)-ˈsi-shən

:  a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another

[Websters]

There are so many other words I could use to describe this season Bruno and I find ourselves in, but none of them do it justice.

For many months we deliberated on our future, where it would take us and when things would happen. Late last year things began to fall into place for Bruno to chase after one of his childhood dreams. One thing I’ve learned about being a wife is you really should support your husband, even if you don’t always agree or understand things.

As a result of Bruno pursuing these dreams, he has been 1,200 miles away for the last two and a half months. He made a few visits throughout the months but for the most part we have had a majority of the country separating us.
Why? He’s been trailblazing a new season in our lives – one that will bring us closer to each other. For all of February there were over 2,100 miles between us so I really shouldn’t complain about 1,200. Either way – it’s a lot of miles.

It may seem strange that we have physical distance between us as we approach this new season, however it has really made me stop and contemplate things. I’ve never truly appreciated him for who he is and all he does. There are no words that can express what he means to me and it is my hope that I will continue to grow in this appreciation and recognition when we are back to living together.

We’ve been striving, yearning, trying, fighting, pushing, and desperate to really come together in our marriage. Whether it was a result of the time away from each other or the fact we are moving to a new location, I feel like we are getting there.
Finally, there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
We are blazing our path.
Our sights are set on a new place of dreaming and existing.
In just a few days it will all become a reality.

Follow Your Inner Moonlight…

Don’t mind my random ramblings…

Things are going well, in the full scheme of things. Yes, there are challenges – but that is how life goes. Tonight I am stuck. I have quite a few things to do for school, as well as personally, but it seems as though my mind is on vacation. At the least, it is preoccupied with trying not to dwell on the facts. The facts? The facts are things that are and cannot be altered. There are those which are good. And then there are those which are not. There are the facts which push you to grow. And then there are the facts which seem to stunt you where you are. Any and every part of life has its facts. With school, work, home, relationships, personal and other – everything can be broken down into one of these categories.

Finding the time to sit down and do my school work is challenging. Being motivated to write essays on topics I do not even begin to have any sort of passion for is practically impossible. Putting a project together on a country which I have already visited and didn’t necessarily enjoy is low on the list of interesting things to do. I know what I want to do, but I do not know how to get to that point. Without a doubt, I want to work with children in orphanages. Show them some sort of love and kindness – prove to them that there are people out in the world who truly do care and they are not alone. My heart twists every time I see parents who yell at their children calling them names or demeaning them in any sense. Sadly, I feel like I see that every day.

I’ve always been a great actress, and I feel as though that should be a requirement for my job. So many days I walk in and do not want to smile, talk, or be peppy and warm. All the things which are required to be a great employee in a major retail store. Work isn’t a place to bring your personal life in to, so I leave it at the door. I try to at least. Every once in a while when I’m not helping a customer I find myself feeling entirely overwhelmed and struggling to maintain my composure. I do though, every time. Because I am capable of handling anything that is thrown my way.

My baby puppy, Ava, will be turning two years old soon. It is easy to see she has not had the attention she deserves. It is difficult to give her the attention when I barely have any time when I’m at the house with her. I have found that losing two hours a day driving to and from the house has been detrimental to my ability to raise her properly, and also to accomplish essentially anything when I am at the house. It is “the house” and not “home” because it isn’t my home. I don’t have a home. I don’t have a place where I truly feel comfortable enough to relax, cook dinner, have “me” time. Since moving out of my apartment in Mechanicsburg in August 2010, I haven’t ever felt home. I’m not a person who can survive without a home – I need it. I require it. Otherwise there’s a lot of unrest.

On the outside everything looks great. Everything looks perfect at times. It isn’t until you get into the meat of things do you realize how many things are not even close to perfection. There’s a constant striving – striving to be the best daughter, friend, confidant, equal that anyone ever could be. I’m afraid to disappoint anyone. Every move I make I wonder who it will affect and how. Through this I’ve put myself through more stress than I ever should. This stress has truly taken its toll on me the last couple of months. Since the beginning of the year I have dropped a couple of pounds because I lost my appetite, and when I would force myself to eat I would get sick after only a couple of bites. On my tiny frame, a couple of pounds is impossible to miss. Especially when it’s closer to ten. Attempting to resolve and push my body back into something more normal is no fun, but it’s where I’m at.

It’s times like these that make it so apparent as to how desperately I need to dance, write or paint. Express myself in one form or another. After 25 years I still prefer to dance even though my body revolts as soon as I stop moving. It’s always been, and maybe always will be, the truest form of freedom I know.

And yes, I still say that things are going well in the midst of this. I have some challenges to overcome, some issues to accept, recognize and ultimately grow from and a lot of fear to deal with.
In some sense or another though that is all of us.

“Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness.” – Allen Ginsberg

It’s Been Awhile…

Relationships. They come in all sorts and sizes. The main similarity in all relationships is that in order to continue it, you have to be willing to work on it. You have to be willing to make time for it. You have to be willing to talk about the things you don’t want to. You have to be willing to accept the other persons words. You have to be willing.
One of my biggest concerns in all of my relationships has been that if I tell the person the issues, worries or concerns I have with them or the relationship that they will walk away from me. If there’s trouble, I’m afraid to approach it for fear they will confirm the trouble and then walk away.
Lately though I’ve found that not everyone walks away.
Some people actually hear what I say, take it to heart and want to work through things with me. Some people want to hear everything, even how much they have hurt me. Some people understand how hard it is for me to say things, and love me through it. Some people recognize how things in their life can impact my life. Some people are able to understand.
Since school began in August my relationships have definitely become strained. Friends I once saw on a weekly basis are now seeing me maybe once a month. My family doesn’t see or hear from me. The boyfriend and I are lucky if we have a meal together once a week. It’s become a challenge.
No relationship is easy. They all require work. The relationships that you do work on, push through and show understanding and compassion are the ones which are most fruitful. You will find that if both people in a relationship wish to do whatever they possibly can to improve their relationship (friend, family or love), the reward is so much greater than you could have imagined.

The New Generation

With the slightest bit of the full moon peaking over the hills in Pennsylvania a phone rang. On one side was an excited man whose life had just changed in the most incredible of ways. The other side was a couple who were filled with anticipation for this very moment.

A new generation had just been born.

On Tuesday night I became an aunt. My oldest brother who lives in Austria and his wife welcomed into their arms a son, Joshua. While for the most part this entrance into the world was surrounded by overwhelming love, there was a hint of bittersweet. Joshua stands as the first grandchild for my parents – the first great-grandchild to my grandma – the first of nephews and nieces to any of my siblings. He arrived in a country far away from us though. It won’t be until May, when my family once again all gathers for my other brothers wedding, that this side of his family will be able to meet little Joshua. I’m not sure if I’ll feel like an official aunt until then. When it all comes down to it though – that’s okay. I’ve seen his face, fingers and toes. I know he’s a healthy little man and his parents are both well. In a couple of months when he’s squishy and even more adorable I’ll have my chance to love on him. Hope that little man is ready for it!

Joshua
Meaning: God is my salvation.
Spiritual Connotation: Bringer of Truth.
Scripture: James 1:25

Miss Grinch

The grinch. We all have heard of him and know the type of person. I’ve never been a big fan when it came to Christmas. I’ve always felt it was over-hyped and more materialistic than remembered for the reason it exists. This year my feelings are a little bit more evident though. Most people accept the fact that my dad is in the hospital as reason enough to not be in the chipper, friendly mood usually found at this time. Others though still argue with me that I should still be listening to Christmas music, wrapping presents and otherwise smiling and joyful.
In my life, if I put my mind on something and have it planned out, it has to happen. Otherwise, I’m not sure how to accept the non-happenings. This is what I’m experiencing, on top of memories of Christmas last. All of this on top of my dad (still) being in the hospital, I’m just not even interested in the fact that Christmas is on Sunday.
So, call me a grinch – you won’t be the first.
I dislike Christmas songs and movies, commercials for jewelry make me scream, seeing couples or families in vehicles increases my push on the accelerator, relationship status changes lead to avoiding the book of faces, hearing of people’s plans to visit their family, trim trees, bake cookies, exchange presents and be merry together is just too much for me.
All I know is that I’d be better if I could burn memories from my mind, forget the plans of a first Christmas, be finished at a job I thought I’d have done weeks ago, not have a father who’s in the hospital and feel settled enough to say I’m ‘home’.
This is me, Miss Grinch.