That Girl.

I never saw myself as being that girl in your family who was engaged and then out of nowhere was single.
I never wanted to be that girl you know who seems to be with a new guy every couple of months.
I never wanted to be that girl who you didn’t ever really know.
I wasn’t supposed to be that girl whose life did a total 360 in every way imaginable.
I don’t think of myself as that girl who people truly respect and honor.
I never thought people would see me as that girl they can rely on.
I always wanted to be that girl who was a young mother.
I want to be that girl who gets swept away by the most amazing guy anyone has ever met, and ever will meet.
I thought I’d never again be that girl who has to face a family reunion without her ‘other’ by her side.
I don’t want to be that girl who lets little things bother her.
I don’t want to be that girl who can’t make a decision.
I don’t want to be that girl who cries every time she watches Titanic.
I don’t want to be that girl who remembers each and every single hurt like it were yesterday.
I am not that girl you see walking around in any other style than her own.
I am not that girl who has bumper stickers (or for that matter, anything else that can be labeled with the same sort of “tacky”).
I am not that girl who doesn’t think about every single detail following any act someone else brings up.
I am not that girl who you can swing around emotionally.
I am that girl who would rather just snuggle in to a comfortable couch and watch a movie than anything else.
I am not that girl who is okay with someone ignoring her.
I am not that girl who will ever think it alright for any man I’m with to go to a strip club or anything along those lines.
I am that girl who will do things and count up items no one else ever would.
I am that girl who will pick apart every section of your life and attempt to determine what I will and will not live with.
I am that girl who waters her soda down – but hates ice. (It’s too cold)
I am that girl who needs someone/thing in her life which will just love her and not ask questions or try to fix every single freaking thing in her life. (Thus, my puppy, Ava)
I am not that girl who will play video games as a hobby.
I am not that girl who will ever settle on a hobby. (video games will never again be a hobby for me though.)
I am not that girl who is okay with people taking part in mindless activities.
I am not that girl who can handle silence in a room.
I am that girl who always wants the best.
I am that girl who will always try to make things better.
I am that girl who needs to express herself creatively.
I am that girl who does not like to be told what to think or how to handle situations.
I am that girl who is a planner, and the second anything changes must be told about the change.
I am that girl who listens to a lot of pop – and enjoys it.
I am that girl who will be slightly offended if you ever knock the music I pick out.
I am that girl who wants to live in England, and raise her children there.
I am that girl who it will take a whole lot more time until she can without hesitation think of herself as an ex-fiancée.
I am that girl who still thinks of herself as a fiancée every once in a while.
I am that girl who just the other day picked out a few details which weren’t settled for the wedding prior to the break-up (you know, bridesmaids dresses, cake, invitations, my bouquet… there was a lot left open.)
I am that girl who does not want to go to any family reunions ever again until she’s married.
I am that girl who can recall at the drop of a hat what happened this week last year.
I am that girl who still has no idea who she is or how she feels.
I am that girl though, who knows what she needs.

Recognition of the Unknown

Last night Sonya and I went out for drinks at our newly acquired ‘regular’ bar and our ‘regular’ bartender where she has a ‘regular’ drink. I’m still having fun trying a bunch of different drinks and forcing Bartender to be creative, so I have yet to have a ‘regular’. While this isn’t something we’ve done a lot, it’s become a more recent addition to our weekly lives (3 visits in 3 weeks… Fair.) and each time our visits have resulted in at least 500 calories burned from laughing and lots of deep, personal discussions. So many things are the result of last nights drinking, but one that will stick with me for a while is what I finally was able to realize. Even if something is unknown, but you have the knowledge of it, you have to acknowledge its existence. There are certain situations where this is so much more difficult than others, but in the long run, it’s always best. Sadly, that’s all I can say about that topic for now.

It absolutely amazed me last night because even in the midst of a drunken state I stopped myself and no longer was it all about me. Just because you are going through a hell of a time, doesn’t mean those who you come in contact are perfectly fine. There are so many others walking around out there who are wounded, need some uplift and just need love. That’s the type of thing we have to be aware of. The ability to see more than what is happening in your life, and be able to reach out to others and love on them. As, aren’t we all meant to love each other? Isn’t that the greatest commandment no matter what you believe? I’m not saying we aren’t allowed to process the happenings in our own lives, by no degree at all. I want to make sure that everyone who reads these words understands that we as humans are all too good at looking at our own lives and not seeing anything else. We have to be open to seeing what’s occurring outside of our own lives, then is when it’s possible to really start taking the steps to your own healing.

Qualities of a Home

As of today, I have no idea where I will live come August 1st. As this date is approaching wildly quick, I’m beginning to become concerned. You see, the plan was for me to live in this house (with a married couple + 8 month old boy) until my ex and I found the place we would eventually call our home. Assuming this would occur before August was easy and I had no worries whatsoever. We were searching for a 2 bedroom apartment, somewhere between his school and my work. Something in our price range that would allow us to have a dog. A place where our first child would spend their first days. We’d live there until he finished school – after that, the options were endless. I told him a couple of times how I felt as though he was my home, so wherever he was that is where my home was.

Last month, this changed entirely. No longer am I looking for a place which I will share with my husband, but rather a place just for me. No longer am I looking for a place between school and work, but rather just somewhere on the west shore. No longer am I looking for a place in which I will spend my first days/months/years as a married woman… What I’m looking for in a home has been altered, just as what I’m looking for in a man has been. Back in April I started a list with one of my dear friends as to what I need from a man, here it is.
Someone who is sensitive, will listen to me, supportive of all my dreams, honoring, my equal, desire to minister, passion for an ever-deeper relationship with God, accepts words of growth, emotional and spiritual strength, spontaneous, an open-mind, respective of my boundaries and ability to create own, clear communication, act and dress age appropriately and be stable.
In the past month I’ve been able to add a few more to the list… Honest, truthful, caring, non-manipulative, understanding, always pursuing, truthful… Oh. Well, truthfulness is quite important to me, 100% truthfulness. When in a relationship, there should be nothing one person needs to hide from the other. If something is hidden, then the relationship is unhealthy. If the relationship is unhealthy, get out of it.

Unhealthy relationships – there are so many different kinds, but no matter what, if you find yourself in a relationship which is toxic, remove yourself from it. If you have doubts or concerns, confront them. If you have any fears, remove the possibilities and re-evaluate. If things present themselves and they shouldn’t be, really think about what you as a person will allow in your life. In the long run, one must be able to stand up for themselves and know what they can and can’t have in their life. In the past couple months I’ve become confident enough in myself to recognize what I will allow and will not allow in my life. One of many reasons my ex and I broke up.

Looking into the future, I honestly have no idea what’s going to happen. Will he and I get back together? Will we be able to work through our issues? Will we be an “us” again? Will he put a ring on my finger ever again? Will we spend our entire lives together? I have no idea and honestly, right now, I’m not sure if I want to figure it out. Currently my goal is to handle right here, right now. Today was a step – I was able to recall happenings with the ex and share them with a friend without once feeling the need to cry. I won’t lie, I miss him. I miss us. I miss the messages. I miss someone telling me multiple times a day how much they love me. I miss a lot about him, us and the relationship in general. Even though there’s that longing it does not mean I’m about to get myself back into it all. My heart isn’t ready. So what am I going to do about my heart? The only thing I can think of right now is to keep pushing through, praying, reading the Bible, a couple other books, talking with people about where I’m at, working through the hurt and begin putting the pieces back together again. This is what I’m doing with my life today. Only tomorrow can reveal what it will bring.

Breaking Free

This past month has been such a chaotic time for me. Weeks spent crying at the drop of a hat. Thinking I’d never talk to my ex-fiance ever again. Searching for a place to call home. Giving up a puppy to take a different one. Watching a house be demolished slowly in an ugly fashion. Wishing to move back to Cali, the place of peace for me. Talking to my ex, discussing things with him, starting to work through things. Going back to the place of comfort. Recognizing the absolute need to move on and deal with my heart, my hurt, me. Planning (after essentially being told to leave by my parents) a trip which will remove me from this state over two weeks in August which will cover the date which was to be the wedding. Beginning to finish another goal (because everyone has wishes, hopes and dreams) and realizing the need to write about what’s happening.

While my goal for this blog will I’m sure seem muddied at first, I assure you that it is in existence out of pure necessity for my sanity. Every person in the world has a unique journey in their life, I just am willing to share mine with whomever would like to read it.

I mentioned all those seemingly insignificant things earlier, because they all do have significance to me and my life.

Since I left Cali in mid-May I have felt very unsettled. This is because I have been living in the guest room of a family’s house and I have never before found myself in a situation like this. For two years prior to my move across the country I lived with a roommate in my own apartment. I established myself. I settled in. I was home. Cali was an adventure – living in a house with 4 other girls, amazingly it worked out well but I still missed all of my things. I’d love to be in a place, and have all of my dishes, towels, movies, paintings and such with me.
– I still have things to find and recognize, so I can’t settle.

My parents decided to breed their two shih-tzu puppies and wound up with a litter of 5. Originally my mom fell in love with the first-born and wanted to keep her in the family so suggested I take her when I returned to PA, I agreed without hesitation. The puppy was the only one with more white than brown – one of her eyes had a brown patch – her eyes were different colors – she was a little rascal – she was the first to recognize when someone walked through the door – she had more spunk than she knew what to do with – she had an attitude and it was obvious she thought herself better than her siblings – I saw a lot of things in her that I have in me, she was perfect for me. The youngest of the litter wound up with a bit of a respiratory issue because her muzzle is shorter than normal so my mom didn’t want to sell her… Thus began the debate. Someone offered to buy the first-born (who I named Roxie) and when my mom talked with the lady she said about taking Roxie to obedience school and having her trained to do all kinds of things, she’d be home with her all summer because she is a teacher. It was hard for my mom to say no, so she asked me what I wanted to do. Eventually I came into an understanding and gave up Roxie and took Ava (the youngest).
– Just because I saw something as being the perfect situation for me, it doesn’t mean it really would be the perfect situation for me, let alone the other party.
– Letting go and accepting there are other things out there is tough, but you will be rewarded in the end. (Ava is a sweetheart… and her own type of rascal and little miss attitude. 🙂 )

My parents live right off of the main street in a small town, and a house on the corner had to be torn down. Day 1Day 8Final Destruction It was the news in the town, and probably will remain to be for a while. The interesting thing about the way they had to handle the destruction is that because it was on the corner with no room to go anywhere they had to gut it out and then chop away at the walls. They had to be careful too because the house next to it was actually connected electrically. The destruction on the house began the same day my relationship started to fall apart. The ugly, nastiness of the house was just a visual of what was occurring in my life. What came out of it – which you can faintly see in the Final picture, is the house next door was given a chance to leave their house in a different direction – there are steps which were hidden. The perfect synchronicity between the destruction of the house and my personal life was striking.
– Removing parts from your life is a careful process, but there’s a surprise waiting for you when you do.

Last week I approached my ex-fiance about taking time off from communicating with one another, after a bit of explaining he understood why I needed it but didn’t agree. This is the time in which I focus on me and my heart – I have experienced a bit of pain recently and need to allow my wounds to heal. This, is where we find me today. Still hurting. Still healing. Still moving forward.