If you know me in person you know that my life has been the messiest and craziest it’s ever been.
Every day has become a roller coaster of emotions due to divorce and custody proceedings, fears and attempting to calm a tumultuous sea.
My heart is so overwhelmed. My mind has had challenges or questions I hadn’t anticipated. My soul is hurt.
A high level of uncertainty is impacting every aspect of my life.
I don’t even know how often in a few months I will have my child in my custody. I finally have the baby boy I loved, cried for, and dreamed of for years and he might not be with me every day… it’s heartbreaking to think about.
The choices my (ex) husband made years ago broke my world to pieces a year and a half ago and have created aftershocks in my current life.
All I want is to be happy, safe, and have my happy little family with just some level of certainty.
In an episode of “How I Met Your Mother” the characters reference something called “the break up competition”. This is the episode where Ted is still not ready to date months following his break up with Robin, however when she returns to NY with a boyfriend he decides he’s ready. Barney and Marshall get on Ted about how he’s losing the break up competition… Season 3, episode 1 – if you want more info.
Really? Is there truly such a thing? Maybe I’ve been kept in the dark from it because all of my ex’s have dropped out of my communication circle post-break up, either for my sanity or their protection.
Let’s play the game though – let’s pretend it exists in my life. Who’d be winning?
I have no idea. Everyone moves on in their own way. Some people do need a rebound. Some people need to huddle into their close friends. Some people need the flirting. Some people need to wake up in someone else’s arms. Some people are content with immersing themselves into their lives.
When we first broke up I was still checking in on him (the wonders of social networking), wondering how much trouble he was getting himself into, wondering if he missed me, wondering what his moving on looked like. After a bit, someone asked why I still checked – when I wasn’t able to give a good reason I realized it was time to stop. I was avoiding listening to so many songs – I went for two months without listening to my favorite band. When I admitted this to someone, they gave me a certain look, next chance I had I put on one of their songs and wound up listening to Lifehouse the rest of the day.
When I was asked to hang out, I went and had a fabulous time. When I found myself being stared at, I took a deep breath. When my hand was found intertwined with someone new, I smiled. When we spent hours learning about each other just by asking questions, my heart was content. When I took a step back and found I had a new friend who understood, I was thrilled.
Perhaps there is a competition, perhaps there isn’t.
In my world, all that matters is whether or not I’m happy. And recently, I’ve been happy.