Tigers and Doodles

Seasons come and go.  Literally and figuratively.  Things are always changing. Each day is different from every other. Even when it feels like you live the same life every damn day.

You are the only constant.

Every new thing that enters your life can easily be viewed as an uncertainty. How you relate to that uncertainty has a lot to do with personality type.

When faced with new situations, some will be entirely thrilled and they’ll thrive because it’s how they are hardwired. Others, will slink back into the shadows and wait until they know it is safe and what to expect.

There’s no right or wrong way to handle things. I’ve had that exemplified in my life to an extreme degree recently. The challenges I’m currently facing in my life are those that many others have had to walk through, but the way I handle myself as I navigate this world is completely the way I will choose to – not how anyone else has or will.

So What

Life is a rollercoaster.
We all feel it. We all think it. We all say it. But that’s about as far as we let others into our lives sometimes. I’ve always prided myself on being open and honest about what I’m going through, but the last year has proven to be too challenging to open up with publicly.

In the last few months I have had some of the highest moments of my life so far, as well as some of the lowest. From seeing my child squeal with delight when I come into view to finding myself crying on the dashboard wondering what the hell happened.

Y’all. We never know what a day will hold until it’s done.

Yesterday’s affirmation was so appropriately timed I didn’t even know it until the day was over.
//My experiences make me stronger, wiser, and more prepared.//

They really do.
.
.
.
Especially when everything and nothing has changed.

Follow Your Inner Moonlight…

Don’t mind my random ramblings…

Things are going well, in the full scheme of things. Yes, there are challenges – but that is how life goes. Tonight I am stuck. I have quite a few things to do for school, as well as personally, but it seems as though my mind is on vacation. At the least, it is preoccupied with trying not to dwell on the facts. The facts? The facts are things that are and cannot be altered. There are those which are good. And then there are those which are not. There are the facts which push you to grow. And then there are the facts which seem to stunt you where you are. Any and every part of life has its facts. With school, work, home, relationships, personal and other – everything can be broken down into one of these categories.

Finding the time to sit down and do my school work is challenging. Being motivated to write essays on topics I do not even begin to have any sort of passion for is practically impossible. Putting a project together on a country which I have already visited and didn’t necessarily enjoy is low on the list of interesting things to do. I know what I want to do, but I do not know how to get to that point. Without a doubt, I want to work with children in orphanages. Show them some sort of love and kindness – prove to them that there are people out in the world who truly do care and they are not alone. My heart twists every time I see parents who yell at their children calling them names or demeaning them in any sense. Sadly, I feel like I see that every day.

I’ve always been a great actress, and I feel as though that should be a requirement for my job. So many days I walk in and do not want to smile, talk, or be peppy and warm. All the things which are required to be a great employee in a major retail store. Work isn’t a place to bring your personal life in to, so I leave it at the door. I try to at least. Every once in a while when I’m not helping a customer I find myself feeling entirely overwhelmed and struggling to maintain my composure. I do though, every time. Because I am capable of handling anything that is thrown my way.

My baby puppy, Ava, will be turning two years old soon. It is easy to see she has not had the attention she deserves. It is difficult to give her the attention when I barely have any time when I’m at the house with her. I have found that losing two hours a day driving to and from the house has been detrimental to my ability to raise her properly, and also to accomplish essentially anything when I am at the house. It is “the house” and not “home” because it isn’t my home. I don’t have a home. I don’t have a place where I truly feel comfortable enough to relax, cook dinner, have “me” time. Since moving out of my apartment in Mechanicsburg in August 2010, I haven’t ever felt home. I’m not a person who can survive without a home – I need it. I require it. Otherwise there’s a lot of unrest.

On the outside everything looks great. Everything looks perfect at times. It isn’t until you get into the meat of things do you realize how many things are not even close to perfection. There’s a constant striving – striving to be the best daughter, friend, confidant, equal that anyone ever could be. I’m afraid to disappoint anyone. Every move I make I wonder who it will affect and how. Through this I’ve put myself through more stress than I ever should. This stress has truly taken its toll on me the last couple of months. Since the beginning of the year I have dropped a couple of pounds because I lost my appetite, and when I would force myself to eat I would get sick after only a couple of bites. On my tiny frame, a couple of pounds is impossible to miss. Especially when it’s closer to ten. Attempting to resolve and push my body back into something more normal is no fun, but it’s where I’m at.

It’s times like these that make it so apparent as to how desperately I need to dance, write or paint. Express myself in one form or another. After 25 years I still prefer to dance even though my body revolts as soon as I stop moving. It’s always been, and maybe always will be, the truest form of freedom I know.

And yes, I still say that things are going well in the midst of this. I have some challenges to overcome, some issues to accept, recognize and ultimately grow from and a lot of fear to deal with.
In some sense or another though that is all of us.

“Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness.” – Allen Ginsberg

Not Over vs. Impacted

It’s crossed my mind multiple times lately how over my ex I truly am. I suppose that my continual looking back doesn’t make it seem that way though.
Here’s the thing – I really am over him. The hurt, pain, trials, heartache… There’s no reason to not be over the relationship. However, I have been impacted by it. Perhaps that’s why some people come up with the conclusion that even after a year I’m still holding on.
The other week I was on the phone with my best friend discussing the relationship and I mentioned how someone had just questioned whether or not I was over it. She was astonished that anyone would ever consider even asking me that.
I will not claim that this past year has not been a maze. I will not claim that I was not an emotional wreck the first few months. I will not claim that I never think of him. I will not claim that I never miss being with someone.
What I can claim however is that no part of me wants to be in a relationship like the one I was in. No part of me wishes to have my ex in my life at this time. No part of me is able to recall being in that relationship without also recalling the hurt.
I learned a lot from the relationship – so I will often pull on those lessons in my daily life. In no way does that say I’m not over the relationship. Rather, proves that I have come so far that I am now able to recognize the bad from the good.
Preparing for this month I was a bit lethargic, sentimental, and overall reminiscent. With what I believe is good reason though. I don’t find it possible to hit your one year anniversary of ending an engagement as well as what would have been two years of being in that relationship without thinking back and recognizing what all has happened in those years. To date, two years ago I was arriving in England – the land I consider home. One year ago I was in PA working and celebrating a good friends’ 21st birthday. So what? I remember a lot of things and when exactly they happen. Doesn’t mean that I’m stuck in the past and unable to look toward the future chasing after the goals which I have in my life.
Everyone’s past experiences impact how they live.

The One About Friendships

One of the things I miss the most since moving back to PA is having my best friends right next to me. California spoiled me. I moved into a house with 4 strangers who eventually became really close friends, all in different ways.   Sure, I have a few friends here in PA, but for the most part they are all at different places in their lives than I am. That makes it difficult to really become close with any of them. My concern, especially, is that I am a bother or disrupt their lives. So I wind up remaining silent and not reaching out.  One of my closest friends pointed out to me the other night that real friends call in the middle of the night when they need someone to talk to, they text and make it known they aren’t doing well, they somehow or another reach out to those they consider friends whenever it’s necessary.
I always make it known that I’m available to my friends day or night, so why is it so impossible for me to expect and allow the same from those who care about me?
Another thing is letting go of those who don’t find me important. We all have a few of those in our life – the person who we are always interested in knowing how they are doing, staying connected with them – but it seems to be a one-way friendship. They never initiate a conversation, rarely response, aren’t interested in how your life is going, can’t find time for you, etc. That is the type of friend I’m not interested in anymore. If you can’t see the value of my friendship, then you don’t deserve it.

All of this leads me to wonder… What happened the last couple of years? Have I become the type of person that most people don’t wish to be friends with? Where did my friends go?

From The New Year

Exactly a year ago, I thought I knew what the year before me held.

This year, I have absolutely no idea what to expect. Makes me think that maybe it’s better to not know what will be occurring than to have plans. Because obviously our plans get foiled.

This year – I resolve to only make plans which I find in God. That way, I won’t have any disappointments or unfulfilled plans.

I walked into last year as a part of someone else. This year – I’m me. Just me. Single. Solo. Individual.
Who knew that a revelation could be so violent? When you have no light in your relationship – you’re lost/confused/without the ability to see. I stepped out of that in 2011 and stepped into a wiser, more knowledgeable, stronger woman who isn’t afraid to shed light on the areas in which she finds herself.

That single characteristic which I acquired will continue into the rest of my life. The person who pushed me to become that woman however, will not. My life is mine. To be lived and walked out in the ways I believe are what God has intended. I may stray, but the important thing is that I always return. I came back. I returned home. My journey continues from here.

I wrote the above early in the morning on the 1st.
Situations as they have presented themselves in the past couple of weeks led me to post this prior to posting any other thoughts I have had recently.
Many more thoughts, feelings, dreams and adventures to come!

Miss Grinch

The grinch. We all have heard of him and know the type of person. I’ve never been a big fan when it came to Christmas. I’ve always felt it was over-hyped and more materialistic than remembered for the reason it exists. This year my feelings are a little bit more evident though. Most people accept the fact that my dad is in the hospital as reason enough to not be in the chipper, friendly mood usually found at this time. Others though still argue with me that I should still be listening to Christmas music, wrapping presents and otherwise smiling and joyful.
In my life, if I put my mind on something and have it planned out, it has to happen. Otherwise, I’m not sure how to accept the non-happenings. This is what I’m experiencing, on top of memories of Christmas last. All of this on top of my dad (still) being in the hospital, I’m just not even interested in the fact that Christmas is on Sunday.
So, call me a grinch – you won’t be the first.
I dislike Christmas songs and movies, commercials for jewelry make me scream, seeing couples or families in vehicles increases my push on the accelerator, relationship status changes lead to avoiding the book of faces, hearing of people’s plans to visit their family, trim trees, bake cookies, exchange presents and be merry together is just too much for me.
All I know is that I’d be better if I could burn memories from my mind, forget the plans of a first Christmas, be finished at a job I thought I’d have done weeks ago, not have a father who’s in the hospital and feel settled enough to say I’m ‘home’.
This is me, Miss Grinch.