I feel bad for those who have come into my life in the last year. Why? Because my expectations dropped substantially after realizing that someone I expected to share everything with me was still hiding things. I no longer expected those with whom I even had a surface level relationship to desire or deserve my trust.
My trust in others, and expected trust from others, has become similar to an artichoke. The top layer is easy, simple, constantly exposed – but to get to the under layers you have to work at it and it takes lots of time.
Typically, the most inner layers are only available to one’s spouse. These are the layers we all long for, crave, desire. To honestly be loved and trusted no matter what.
Recently someone in my life exposed more than just their top layer shortly after getting to know me. Shock was my initial reaction. Shock continues to be my main reaction. It has taken me months to peel back the top layer and begin to expose myself. The process is slow, painful at times, but it is entirely necessary. My heart is learning that it can trust again – not everyone is out there to use and abuse. We all need that person who can stand in front of you and prove to you that it is possible.
Anything is possible.
You know how we all experience things that we know no one else will understand or believe, but we will never forget? I believe that there are lots of those moments hidden within relationships.
There are the things which you have never experienced before and so when they do occur you literally (if you’re me) stop in your tracks and wonder how this could be possible.
The experiences of my past relationship seem to have all been preparing me to appreciate a mature relationship. You know, one in which you are actually respected and honored. This has become exposed to me by my friendships recently. I haven’t put a front on and attempted to be someone who I thought the other wanted me to be, and for that I have both gained and lost friendships. Those which I have gained (and sometimes even lost) have proven to be beyond beneficial for me. I’ve gained the types of friends you wish you could do more for to show your appreciation. One thing they all have in common though is the fact that they each have genuine concern for me, push me to understand why I feel what I feel, and are great at helping me work through problems without making me feel like I have more problems than I really have. I have had a huge issue in the past with trust. My experiences with guys is that which I have no trust in them, their decisions or even their friends because they never gave me a reason to trust them. So for me to trust someone is similar to lightning on a picket fence. It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does, not many are made aware. I’m currently working on trusting those around me, because if I can’t trust my friends who stand by me, how do I ever plan on being able to trust someone when I am in a relationship with them? Granted – a lot of it has to do with their character, but let’s all hope I’ve stopped attracting boys and am now attracting men. You know, those who deserve to be trusted.
It was March 31, 2011 the last time I had the opportunity to dance like no one was watching. Last night I took someone up on their offer and used an open studio to finally let free the things which have been building up inside of me for the past 7 months. All of the lies which had been told to me, the hurt, the pain, the remorse, the strength, the life, the hope, the journey, the love, the life, the true growth which I’ve gone through — finally were released.
I know it was March 31 because that was the day I learned something about my ex. That was also the night he lied straight to my face – and for the first time I knew without a doubt he was lying.
Ever since I was a child I didn’t think I could properly express my heart in any way – except dance. No one can control me. No one can tell me I did something incorrectly. No one can lie to me. No one can make me feel worthless. No one can change my mind. No one when I dance.
Some days life finally gives you a chance to express yourself the best way you know how. There are certain things we all do which we believe to be the best for our heart, mind, soul and body. Giving an opportunity up to move along in your life is something none should do.
One of the biggest issues of my past relationships was trust. It was difficult to continue trusting people when they didn’t give you reason to trust, but rather reason to question. Little things always mean a lot to me, this isn’t surprising if you know me for a while. The other day I found myself in a situation where someone who barely knows me handed me something personal of theirs and left me with it. I could have done anything, but I didn’t. The moment they walked away I realized this person trusts me – even though we’re only in the beginning stages of friendship. It took me off guard, but I was thrilled. People, even those just now meeting me trust me. I’m not afraid of people trusting me, in fact I love it. One of the qualities I think I carry well is trustworthiness.
When I was younger I used to lie about everything and anything, even when there wasn’t reason. When my mom looked at me one day and said “Your father and I have lost all trust in you.” it really hit. My heart instantly hurt. I realized that in lying to others, even about the smallest stupidest things I was hurting my relationships. Since then, I’m not a liar. I love it when people recognize that they can trust me, even with small things.
So! *heart* to those of you out there who trust me! Thank you for reminding me how valuable, treasured and respected I am.
If you’re any sort of musician you more than likely understood that. If you’re me, you Googled it. In doing so, you’d find songs a million and realize those random letters, rankings and number are actually chords. Tonight I mean just one of those songs. No – it isn’t Coldplay, The Cranberries, Paul McCartney, Elton John or Led Zepplin. Rather it’s a Ray LaMontagne song. One which I heard not even 20 minutes ago on an old episode of House M.D. You see, I’m catching up on the seasons and am on season 5. I had forgotten how much I love the show – and the songs they play at the end, or near end, of an episode. Always so fitting, mostly unknown, and wonderfully timed. As soon as I heard the opening chords to the song tonight I immediately found myself time-traveling back to June 27. The night I drank way more than I should have, said things I shouldn’t have, and listened to “I Still Care About You” more than 20 times… Oh yes – the things we do when we’re hurting. Hearing this song made me feel the way I felt that night. Desperate, alone, wishing, hurt, fragile, desiring the toxicity to return. When the song ended and I found myself sitting alone on September 18, I had to knock myself around until I moved past those feelings from June and back in to the Danielle of September.
The Danielle who isn’t desperate, needy or alone. The Danielle who still tells the truth, because lying gets you absolutely nowhere. The Danielle who looks at her situation and wonders in amazement, not regret “What next?!” The Danielle who has no problem sitting on the floor of her childhood room, typing up her true thoughts, feelings and journey for complete strangers to join her through. The Danielle who looks back on her life over the past year and is in awe of all she accomplished and learned.
Isn’t that the point of life – to continually learn?
It all began with a tickle in my throat – you know those annoying little ones which make you cough and drink a lot until it goes away.
Earlier I was driving in silence – which is never a good thing for me as my mind goes off on all sorts of rabbit trails and deep thoughts. I found myself thinking about him. What else is an ex-fiancée to do?! Anyway, as I sat there barely paying any attention to the road (thank heavens it was an interstate with minimal traffic) my thoughts went back to a dream I’ve had a couple of times recently, and whether or not it pertains to him. Essentially the dream is about someone close (a friend) who has said things in order to tear me down and how I’m standing up for myself, shutting them up and continuing on my way. That sounds slightly familiar to me (okay, very familiar!) but why does it make me think of him when he hasn’t been in my life for a few weeks? Because the things he said to me still haunt me. I still get angry when I think about how he said “You should consider yourself lucky I didn’t know all those girls had crushes on me back in October, otherwise who knows what would have happened.” (oh yes – he said that.) or how he continually accused that “You always want to have the best stories” (calling me a story-topper and not seeing that all I was doing was proving I understood) or how apparently I’m a terrible singer and when he told me just a couple of months ago how all I’d need is a couple of lessons he was lying, and the list goes on – into things I can’t even recall. All of these words, lingering in the back of my mind just like a tickle in the back of your throat.
There comes a point in one’s life where they must make a decision. We all have had to make it, whether in a large way or small. Will you allow the negative words of others in your past or present haunt your future?