Life in pieces

If you know me in person you know that my life has been the messiest and craziest it’s ever been.

Every day has become a roller coaster of emotions due to divorce and custody proceedings, fears and attempting to calm a tumultuous sea.

My heart is so overwhelmed. My mind has had challenges or questions I hadn’t anticipated. My soul is hurt.

A high level of uncertainty is impacting every aspect of my life.

I don’t even know how often in a few months I will have my child in my custody. I finally have the baby boy I loved, cried for, and dreamed of for years and he might not be with me every day… it’s heartbreaking to think about.

The choices my (ex) husband made years ago broke my world to pieces a year and a half ago and have created aftershocks in my current life.

All I want is to be happy, safe, and have my happy little family with just some level of certainty.

Someday. Maybe someday.

Tigers and Doodles

Seasons come and go.  Literally and figuratively.  Things are always changing. Each day is different from every other. Even when it feels like you live the same life every damn day.

You are the only constant.

Every new thing that enters your life can easily be viewed as an uncertainty. How you relate to that uncertainty has a lot to do with personality type.

When faced with new situations, some will be entirely thrilled and they’ll thrive because it’s how they are hardwired. Others, will slink back into the shadows and wait until they know it is safe and what to expect.

There’s no right or wrong way to handle things. I’ve had that exemplified in my life to an extreme degree recently. The challenges I’m currently facing in my life are those that many others have had to walk through, but the way I handle myself as I navigate this world is completely the way I will choose to – not how anyone else has or will.

Gravity

It’s a tricky thing, falling.

The other day I was walking down a ramp and legitimately slid and gracefully fell. As a result, I have a scab on my foot. This wasn’t the first time this year I fell either. In March I fell hard directly on my knee and elbow. Definitely not nearly as graceful of a fall and much more impactful – I still have a scar.

Both falls left me with pain, challenges, and restrictions. I can’t have that in my life though. I need to be able to use every part of my body fully. I need to be a whole and healthy person who walks freely.

So what does one do?

You fight against it. You work through it. You do what you need to do to give yourself the best possible outcome you can. You push yourself farther than you’ve ever pushed before. You stand up and recognize what you need to do to get where you want to be, and you make a decision.

So What

Life is a rollercoaster.
We all feel it. We all think it. We all say it. But that’s about as far as we let others into our lives sometimes. I’ve always prided myself on being open and honest about what I’m going through, but the last year has proven to be too challenging to open up with publicly.

In the last few months I have had some of the highest moments of my life so far, as well as some of the lowest. From seeing my child squeal with delight when I come into view to finding myself crying on the dashboard wondering what the hell happened.

Y’all. We never know what a day will hold until it’s done.

Yesterday’s affirmation was so appropriately timed I didn’t even know it until the day was over.
//My experiences make me stronger, wiser, and more prepared.//

They really do.
.
.
.
Especially when everything and nothing has changed.

Transition

tran·si·tion \tran(t)-ˈsi-shən

:  a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another

[Websters]

There are so many other words I could use to describe this season Bruno and I find ourselves in, but none of them do it justice.

For many months we deliberated on our future, where it would take us and when things would happen. Late last year things began to fall into place for Bruno to chase after one of his childhood dreams. One thing I’ve learned about being a wife is you really should support your husband, even if you don’t always agree or understand things.

As a result of Bruno pursuing these dreams, he has been 1,200 miles away for the last two and a half months. He made a few visits throughout the months but for the most part we have had a majority of the country separating us.
Why? He’s been trailblazing a new season in our lives – one that will bring us closer to each other. For all of February there were over 2,100 miles between us so I really shouldn’t complain about 1,200. Either way – it’s a lot of miles.

It may seem strange that we have physical distance between us as we approach this new season, however it has really made me stop and contemplate things. I’ve never truly appreciated him for who he is and all he does. There are no words that can express what he means to me and it is my hope that I will continue to grow in this appreciation and recognition when we are back to living together.

We’ve been striving, yearning, trying, fighting, pushing, and desperate to really come together in our marriage. Whether it was a result of the time away from each other or the fact we are moving to a new location, I feel like we are getting there.
Finally, there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
We are blazing our path.
Our sights are set on a new place of dreaming and existing.
In just a few days it will all become a reality.

Persistence

per·sis·tence \pər-ˈsis-tən(t)s, –ˈzis-\

: the quality that allows someone to continue doing something or trying to do something even though it is difficult or opposed by other people

: the state of occurring or existing beyond the usual, expected, or normal time
(Websters)

This – “do something even though it is difficult or opposed by other people”.
How is it possible to only do things that are easy and accepted by others?

In one form or another, we are all persisting throughout our days. Whether our days are filled with answering phones, folding merchandise, answering to a higher authority, educating children or painting someone else’s home – we all face challenges and want to give up at some point.

At times I feel as though my life is wonderfully composed, but those moments are fleeting. My health, ability to be a wonderful wife, preserving my friendships, and attempting to maintain a healthy attitude around a two-year old wear me out. It doesn’t sound like much, but those are the areas in my life I am constantly persisting through.

I am not a robot, but I do my best to keep my challenges to myself. Why? I’m scared that if people really had the chance to see me worry and fight through as much as I do on a daily basis they will see me as a weak link, unable to handle anything more. But that’s not me. At all.
I may fight my way through my days, but at the end of each day I am a conqueror.
I am standing ready for more.
I am filled with persistence.

Why I Celebrate

Today a large majority of people dress in green, wish one another “Happy Saint Patrick’s Day”, and participate in many forms of merriment. All in all, it’s a fun holiday. But March 17th is a day I celebrate for an entirely different reason.

I’m pretty open about this topic, but I realize some of you have no idea what today means for me.

This year makes it ten years. That’s a full decade everybody!
At the lovely age of 17 I was desperate for answers. Desperate for direction. Desperate for meaning. Desperate to understand what my place in the world was. As a typical teenager, I was lacking answers. As a result, I felt entirely lost, confused, and as though I didn’t have a reason to live. March 10, 2005 my parents sat down and approached me with something I had written just a few days prior on an online journal I didn’t think they knew about. It gave them reason to think I was going to end my own life. What I had written alluding to my suicide was true, I had been feeling suicidal for some time and was ready to do it. For months I hid the fact I was depressed and it became so intense I didn’t want to continue to live. My parents were concerned enough for my safety that they (against my will) admitted me to a hospitals psychiatric ward for clinical depression. I spent one week in the hospital talking with so many doctors and students in the medical field it was disgusting and annoying. After a few days though, I began to see the light. I started to understand that my life had only just begun. When I was released on March 17, I knew that every year I would reflect on what happened. For the last ten years I have not only reflected but I’ve also celebrated.
I celebrate being alive. I celebrate the good and bad times each year brings. I celebrate the fact that I am here, and as a result I make an impact on others’ lives. I celebrate the experiences I’ve had. I celebrate my life. I celebrate.

If you would have told me then that in ten years time I would have been to Europe almost ten times, driven cross-country twice, impacted thousands of lives, found my true desire of working with children and become a nanny, gone to school for early childhood education, become engaged twice and married once, let alone experience any of the other things I have… I wouldn’t have believed you.
But here I am.
Alive.

Depression and suicide are both very serious issues. If you struggle with depression, don’t think it will go away on its own or it will get better with time. Take action, talk with people, share with those closest to you what you’re thinking. There are people who love you.