So What

Life is a rollercoaster.
We all feel it. We all think it. We all say it. But that’s about as far as we let others into our lives sometimes. I’ve always prided myself on being open and honest about what I’m going through, but the last year has proven to be too challenging to open up with publicly.

In the last few months I have had some of the highest moments of my life so far, as well as some of the lowest. From seeing my child squeal with delight when I come into view to finding myself crying on the dashboard wondering what the hell happened.

Y’all. We never know what a day will hold until it’s done.

Yesterday’s affirmation was so appropriately timed I didn’t even know it until the day was over.
//My experiences make me stronger, wiser, and more prepared.//

They really do.
.
.
.
Especially when everything and nothing has changed.

Words Tangled in Blue

Sometimes the situations you find yourself in are the type you never imagined would be part of your life. Sometimes you find yourself being overwhelmed emotionally and you have no idea what to do because you are in such a new situation. Sometimes you are unable to fully process the feelings and emotions because you do not have the opportunity to as the result of a chaotic life.

It doesn’t feel like we are only two days away from Christmas. I’ve now been on holiday for the last five days. It’s at this point in time I believed I would have been able to process what has occurred in my life the last few months. I believed I would have fallen ill and been confined to a bed for at least 36 hours as my body attempted to catch up on the rest I had been neglecting it. I believed I would settle into myself.
I am calm, but far from being collected. There are dashes of moments which flit by in which I feel completely settled, the rest of the time I’m a whirl. On the outside things are fine. When it comes down to it – I’m still a great actress. This has happened the last two Christmases and I am at the point where I wonder when a Christmas will pass without all of these overwhelming emotions. Part of me can blame the time of the year and the season for the overwhelm. Another finds it possible to blame the experiences of past Christmases and the lack of my facing them. Another recognizes that there are things I need to face and recognize this year, otherwise they will result like years past – built up and overwhelming over the next few years. But how does one face the unknowns? The past? The concerns? Why is there always something? If not here and now in the present, it lurks from the past…

Oh the joys this season brings me.

Clothed in Ivory

I’ve mentioned it a few times but never have I completely explained the story…

Last January, fresh off of becoming engaged to a guy in PA, I returned to California for the Spring semester at school. Every day I woke up asking for a sign as to what I should do – stay in Cali or move back to PA. Every day I searched and begged for a clear sign from God. Just one sign, that’s all I needed. The second to last Saturday in January I had decided that it was time to go to Sacramento and try on dresses. Just for fun. Because that’s what an engaged girl does!
When I walked into the store with three of my friends, I didn’t have an appointment. Because of a little bit of patience and others canceling, I managed to attain one 10 minutes later just as we were ready to walk out the door. As I found myself describing what I had envisioned for my dress I realized how real the engagement was. There was one dress which I had particularly noticed in my searches online. Sadly the store was not carrying it that day but the assistant said she would find a few others which were similar. Back in the fitting room she helped me get into one which was elegant, but I didn’t have that feeling. The second one she brought made me look 12 (because that’s easy enough to do already). The third went on and immediately I began to smile. The smile that slides across your face when you know something is right. Never one to believe something could be that easy, I tried on 9 more dresses (so a total of 12) before returning to that third one. The one which when I put it on for a second time felt even more right than the first. The smile was broader, the feeling was more right, the material was more soft, the fit more perfect. It was more in all ways good.
It was then that I was told someone in the store was purchasing the dress for me. The most beautiful dress was being given to me as a gift. The dress which was beyond my price range, someone wishing to remain anonymous was purchasing for me. The dress which symbolizes innocence and purity, was found. My sign which I had been asking for was being handed to me.
So I stayed. Grew and moved beyond the things which were holding me back. Eventually ended the engagement and stretched into the me of today. All because of that beautiful ivory gown.
The dress was a gift, and is a gift. It still hangs in my parents’ house. I refused to look at it for the longest of times. Just the other week I took my first peek at it and it is more gorgeous than I remembered. I have finally reached the point where when I think about or see the gown, I smile. Previously I believed it was too good for the occasion which it was to be worn. But I realized it was only because the guy wasn’t the right one. The dress will be worn, as a reminder of how good God is as well as symbolizing the innocence and purity it is meant to.
This time around, I’m determined to do things right.

Not Over vs. Impacted

It’s crossed my mind multiple times lately how over my ex I truly am. I suppose that my continual looking back doesn’t make it seem that way though.
Here’s the thing – I really am over him. The hurt, pain, trials, heartache… There’s no reason to not be over the relationship. However, I have been impacted by it. Perhaps that’s why some people come up with the conclusion that even after a year I’m still holding on.
The other week I was on the phone with my best friend discussing the relationship and I mentioned how someone had just questioned whether or not I was over it. She was astonished that anyone would ever consider even asking me that.
I will not claim that this past year has not been a maze. I will not claim that I was not an emotional wreck the first few months. I will not claim that I never think of him. I will not claim that I never miss being with someone.
What I can claim however is that no part of me wants to be in a relationship like the one I was in. No part of me wishes to have my ex in my life at this time. No part of me is able to recall being in that relationship without also recalling the hurt.
I learned a lot from the relationship – so I will often pull on those lessons in my daily life. In no way does that say I’m not over the relationship. Rather, proves that I have come so far that I am now able to recognize the bad from the good.
Preparing for this month I was a bit lethargic, sentimental, and overall reminiscent. With what I believe is good reason though. I don’t find it possible to hit your one year anniversary of ending an engagement as well as what would have been two years of being in that relationship without thinking back and recognizing what all has happened in those years. To date, two years ago I was arriving in England – the land I consider home. One year ago I was in PA working and celebrating a good friends’ 21st birthday. So what? I remember a lot of things and when exactly they happen. Doesn’t mean that I’m stuck in the past and unable to look toward the future chasing after the goals which I have in my life.
Everyone’s past experiences impact how they live.

Ring of Fire

The last week I took part in an experiment. One which I never thought I’d have the moxie to do. Since I wrote “15 Diamonds” I have worn that ring, just about 9 months or so now. The very simple, delicate ring was bought with the intentions to be worn as my wedding band. Obviously life determined otherwise.   My choice, and continuance of wearing the ring on my left ring finger was filled with so many different reasons.
I didn’t want people to look at me and see me as the girl who failed.
I didn’t want to feel empty.
I didn’t want to let a beautiful ring sit.
I didn’t want the question “What happened?” when I talked of my wedding plans.
I didn’t want to accept the fact that I came so close to what I have desired for so long, and I had to let it go.
I didn’t want.
About a month ago it started to bother me. It had just served as the perfect reason for an unsavory fellow to leave my girl friend and I alone while walking down a street at night, but I couldn’t quite shake the thought from my mind that something wasn’t right.
After a bit of soul-searching I decided to swap the hand that the ring was worn on. After two days of attempting to wear it strictly on my right ring finger I realized that subconsciously I would continue to switch it back to the left hand.    There is no part of me which is sworn away to another. There is no one in my life who stands in the position as soul mate (or whatever one chooses to believe in). Rather, it’s simply me. I could no longer fake the fact. It was time to accept it as it is. The last week I’ve been painfully aware of a very small tan line, the lack of bling, and the sinking in of who I am right now.

No longer wearing the ring is a choice. A choice to accept where I am in my life. A choice to accept that there is something better out there for me. A choice to believe that someday I will once again wear a ring on my left hand, but when I do, it’s going to be the one I love from the one I love. Not a ring I bought for myself to match the wrong ring.
In the mean time, I may go back to wearing my ring on my right hand – but I first have to meet a few goals I have for myself. Oh how I love a reward!

Leaving the Past, in the Past

It is said that it takes half the amount of time spent in a relationship to get over it. While this would be a wonderful way to tell how much time is left in the process, it’s entirely inaccurate.
The amount of time it takes to move past a failed relationship is dependent upon how involved you were in it. On all levels – physical, emotional, spiritual.   I’m the type of person who when I am with someone, especially when it’s serious, I’m wholly committed. I never expect it to end. Therefore, for me to leave the past in the past it takes a bit.
When the memories appear the biggest trick is to allow the feeling to be felt for the moment necessary – but then move on. I was reminded of this today. Not only was there an event which crossed my path with which memories flooded my mind, but then someone told me that if I’ve truly moved on, I must move on from everything. Take the memories, let them in and then let them go.
Like a crashing wave upon the shore.
Allow the old to wash away, and the fresh to stay.

Flash of Familiarity

Over time most, if not every, person who is involved in your life will remind you of someone you once knew. Their disposition, physical features, personality – anything and everything. Lately this has been happening a lot regarding a few of my ex’s. I believe that the more you allow a person to impact your life, the more similarities there are to discover in others. It’s been interesting the past couple of weeks – I’ve noticed the slightest thing and immediately I’ve been transported to a time and place of the past. While these flashes aren’t always the kindest, they definitely are reminders of what I want to avoid.
I love how much knowledge it’s possible to gain just from experiencing something once.