Hollywood

Hollywood has created the perfect unreal relationship. In each movie, there’s always that singular moment which we all wind up searching for in our own relationships. The look, touch, sigh, song, kiss… Even the first intercourse between the two characters. No matter what it is – after that one happening the two are instantly a happy couple.
Why are we trusting an industry which is known for blowing things out of proportion, creating false realities, pushing people to become someone else, and lying as if it’s going out of style? Why are we looking to these movies, characters, and even the actors as guides to our own personal love lives?

Last time I had a first kiss there were no fireworks which shot off, and there was no perfectly timed and beautifully written instrumental piece which began to play in the background. Last time I saw a guy who I thought was attractive and caught eyes with, he did not come up to me and we did not immediately commence in witty banter. Last time I snuggled with a guy we had to adjust ten million times before we were both comfortable. Last time a date came to a close I walked myself to my car. Last time I allowed a stranger to buy me a drink it did not come with his number on the napkin, and he certainly never approached me. Last time I danced with a guy in a club it did not end with us leaving together, or even with each others’ numbers.

My life is no Hollywood movie and frankly, I’m thrilled it isn’t!

Everything Except the Canvas

One of my roommates in Cali was a painter. A wonderful one at that. When she needed to refocus or just calm herself she pulled out her paints, paintbrushes, canvas and laid it all out – in the kitchen, in the backyard, in her room – it didn’t matter where. From time to time I’d walk by to watch her work. The way the colors all blended together, the strokes which filled the canvas, the layers which added depth – all amazed me. Near the end of my time there she brought out all of her supplies and asked the rest of us if we wanted to join her. After debating, I jumped on board. I love to be creative, and painting is something I haven’t really ever done – unless you count those pictures every child creates with the dollar watercolors or finger paints. As I watched an image that was only in my mind slowly be created on this canvas I was enthralled. When I finished the piece, the feeling of accomplishment was overwhelming. I turned it around and wrote #1 on the back – as it was a gift to a very dear woman who had treated me as her own daughter while we were in school together.

Since then I’ve wanted to paint more. Back when there was a relationship in my life and the other person in it pushed me to find my own hobbies, I figured painting could be one of them. I wanted to be like Allie in The Notebook. Have a guy who loves her so much that even if she isn’t in his life he builds a house exactly like the one she wants – including a room just for her to paint in. *smiles* It’s sweet.  Well, anyway. Once the relationship ended I threw myself into work and activities, absolutely denying myself the ability to express myself in any form aside from this very blog you read. The desire to do something I had found pleasure in while he was in my life was stripped away. Only recently have I longed to pull out a canvas and create a world – one which only I had knowledge of. So what did I do? Well, I went and found a small collection of paints (a 12 color starter set of sorts) and a small bundle of paint brushes – Merry Christmas to me! The only thing I’m missing is the canvas. The blank slate. The empty world. The openness to whatever.

Isn’t that just the way it goes in life? We have to be open – willing for whatever is next before it hits and starts on a new picture (season) of your life.

I think I’m ready for my canvas now…

The Last Quarter

We find ourselves at the start of a new month. How did that just happen? It truly does not feel as though much time has passed since the start of my time here in PA. Going back through I’m able to add up all of the highs and lows and come out with more than 4 months of life. Time has never felt so short.

The past continues to linger in areas I wish it not. People continue to amaze me. My life continues to be one which I cannot believe is mine.

I was thinking about my past relationship earlier and thought about Jennifer Connelly’s character in He’s Just Not That Into You – Janine. She is the lone married woman in the film based around relationships, and when she finds out her husband cheated on her she accepts it and attempts to move on and fix the relationship. However when it is revealed that he lied to her – she throws a bit of a fit and kicks him out.
Every time I see the part of the movie where she throws stuff around, shatters the mirror and immediately goes to clean it up I can’t help but think “That’s what I do!” However, I previously thought that was the extent of similarity between the character and myself – today I saw more. She desired full truth, she gave him so many chances, she wanted to pull through, she wanted the relationship to be all it could be, she wanted her husband to be the man she thought he was, she wanted to believe, she had abundant hope. Eventually though, there came a point where she realized the things she desired and hoped for in the relationship would never be, and made the choice we all wanted her to make. To kick him out and ask for a divorce. To severe the relationship. To move on with her life. To chase after her dreams.
That’s my desire. That’s what I’m doing. That’s why I’m still here. I have no idea what the next couple of months holds for me, but the end of this year is no doubt going to be a let down.