It was March 31, 2011 the last time I had the opportunity to dance like no one was watching. Last night I took someone up on their offer and used an open studio to finally let free the things which have been building up inside of me for the past 7 months. All of the lies which had been told to me, the hurt, the pain, the remorse, the strength, the life, the hope, the journey, the love, the life, the true growth which I’ve gone through — finally were released.
I know it was March 31 because that was the day I learned something about my ex. That was also the night he lied straight to my face – and for the first time I knew without a doubt he was lying.
Ever since I was a child I didn’t think I could properly express my heart in any way – except dance. No one can control me. No one can tell me I did something incorrectly. No one can lie to me. No one can make me feel worthless. No one can change my mind. No one when I dance.
Some days life finally gives you a chance to express yourself the best way you know how. There are certain things we all do which we believe to be the best for our heart, mind, soul and body. Giving an opportunity up to move along in your life is something none should do.
I’ve been put in some interesting and challenging positions lately. Quite a few of them have to do with how much I respect myself. Not if/how much others respect me – although, I did ask. What I found in my asking though wasn’t me wanting someone to tell me how much they respected me, but that I wanted to answer the question for myself.
With life happening how it is, I’ve come to notice that my self-respect is directly proportionate to my self-control. My self-control is determined by my own self-worth. My self-worth is measured by my self-respect.
Even when a girl is walking down a path all her friends are warning her against, she still learns a lot of lessons. I love my friends who are so dear and near they know my life and have shared their concerns with me, I hope they understand that no matter what happens I’m still learning and so far, all I’m learning is good.
My self-respect is higher than it was previously, and it grows with every obstacle placed in front of me.
So let’s face it – for the most part people see me and think about how put together or rational I am – I’d hope they see how courageous I am and how much of a dreamer I am. What people rarely see is the Danielle who is out of control. Out of control of her life, of her actions, of her words, of her thoughts, of all things her. When the out of control Danielle does surface usually it’s necessary. Usually there’s been a lot of bad shit happening. Usually the ‘good’ Danielle is sick of something. Usually there just needs to be a release. One thing which sucks about this though is that when the not entirely put together and self-contained Danielle does show up, people think I’m ridiculous, crazy, or they use those few instances to base their entire belief in who I am off of.
Hi. I am a human, and my name is Danielle. I have a lot of thoughts, feelings and beliefs. You won’t agree with all of them and that’s okay. Every once in a while you’ll have to handle the fact that I am human and need to break out of my normal. Don’t blow me off just because I’m not always that wonderful, chipper, very-selective with her words girl.
*sigh* We all have feelings. We all handle situations differently. We all walk our own paths. Don’t try to change me and my path, and I’ll not try to change you and yours. Accept me for all I am – don’t ignore me for my faults – don’t forget me because you saw something you didn’t like – don’t hate me because I said something you disagree with… There are a lot of people out there in this world, if we don’t accept people for who they are, in their entirety, how do we ever expect others to accept us?
My heart has been torn open and to pieces multiple times.
My words come from someone who has lived and pushed through a lot.
My thoughts are those which prove I’m no average 23-year-old female.
My actions show how much I’m capable of love.
My hands are those which have grasped on to hope, and been forced to let go.
My eyes have seen the truth of this world, and continue to search for the good.
My soul has been lifted and cannot accept anything less.
My mind attempts to stay on the positives.
My being, is not one easily forgotten, damaged or belittled.
I’ve lived a life. Why is that so hard to believe? Please, stop looking at my appearance and for once – just ONCE, listen to the words I say and the things my heart screams.