Persistence

per·sis·tence \pər-ˈsis-tən(t)s, –ˈzis-\

: the quality that allows someone to continue doing something or trying to do something even though it is difficult or opposed by other people

: the state of occurring or existing beyond the usual, expected, or normal time
(Websters)

This – “do something even though it is difficult or opposed by other people”.
How is it possible to only do things that are easy and accepted by others?

In one form or another, we are all persisting throughout our days. Whether our days are filled with answering phones, folding merchandise, answering to a higher authority, educating children or painting someone else’s home – we all face challenges and want to give up at some point.

At times I feel as though my life is wonderfully composed, but those moments are fleeting. My health, ability to be a wonderful wife, preserving my friendships, and attempting to maintain a healthy attitude around a two-year old wear me out. It doesn’t sound like much, but those are the areas in my life I am constantly persisting through.

I am not a robot, but I do my best to keep my challenges to myself. Why? I’m scared that if people really had the chance to see me worry and fight through as much as I do on a daily basis they will see me as a weak link, unable to handle anything more. But that’s not me. At all.
I may fight my way through my days, but at the end of each day I am a conqueror.
I am standing ready for more.
I am filled with persistence.

“It’s hard to beat a person who never gives up”

In my life recently there has been interest in my free time. When people ask me if I’m getting enough rest or what I enjoy to do in my free time I mostly laugh at them. This has been the story of my life for many years now. I work full-time and I go to school full-time. Those two in themselves is enough to consume my entire life. I find it truly amusing when college students complain they have no time and upon further discussion I discover that they live with their parents and don’t work. It’s around this point that I lose hope in humanity.

If we are raising children to become young adults who cannot carry more than a full course load at a time, then I wonder how exactly they plan on living as a mature adult. I just heard about employees for a company who have been complaining about staying late, going in after hours for meetings and not being scheduled in ways that work with their lives – and then I heard about the fact they sit around and watch television while on the clock. Are you kidding? They’re complaining about a list of things and yet they don’t realize how easy they have it.

What happened to a decent days work? What happened to the work ethics of all people? What happened to the minds of people making them believe that they deserve to be waited on hand and foot – even in their place of employment?

I don’t have a lot of free time on my hands. I do take on many more things than I should. I do my utmost best in all aspects of my life. Neither my work nor my school is lacking. In fact I will brag about myself for a moment – I’ve been on the Dean’s List every semester and have over a 3.8 cumulative GPA. I am a hard worker. Something that seems to be an idea of the past.
I’ve made it through a lot of very difficult times in my life because I have continued to strive.

Babe Ruth said, “It’s hard to beat a person who never gives up”. Great advice, especially to those who fail to see how much they have to be thankful for.

Follow Your Inner Moonlight…

Don’t mind my random ramblings…

Things are going well, in the full scheme of things. Yes, there are challenges – but that is how life goes. Tonight I am stuck. I have quite a few things to do for school, as well as personally, but it seems as though my mind is on vacation. At the least, it is preoccupied with trying not to dwell on the facts. The facts? The facts are things that are and cannot be altered. There are those which are good. And then there are those which are not. There are the facts which push you to grow. And then there are the facts which seem to stunt you where you are. Any and every part of life has its facts. With school, work, home, relationships, personal and other – everything can be broken down into one of these categories.

Finding the time to sit down and do my school work is challenging. Being motivated to write essays on topics I do not even begin to have any sort of passion for is practically impossible. Putting a project together on a country which I have already visited and didn’t necessarily enjoy is low on the list of interesting things to do. I know what I want to do, but I do not know how to get to that point. Without a doubt, I want to work with children in orphanages. Show them some sort of love and kindness – prove to them that there are people out in the world who truly do care and they are not alone. My heart twists every time I see parents who yell at their children calling them names or demeaning them in any sense. Sadly, I feel like I see that every day.

I’ve always been a great actress, and I feel as though that should be a requirement for my job. So many days I walk in and do not want to smile, talk, or be peppy and warm. All the things which are required to be a great employee in a major retail store. Work isn’t a place to bring your personal life in to, so I leave it at the door. I try to at least. Every once in a while when I’m not helping a customer I find myself feeling entirely overwhelmed and struggling to maintain my composure. I do though, every time. Because I am capable of handling anything that is thrown my way.

My baby puppy, Ava, will be turning two years old soon. It is easy to see she has not had the attention she deserves. It is difficult to give her the attention when I barely have any time when I’m at the house with her. I have found that losing two hours a day driving to and from the house has been detrimental to my ability to raise her properly, and also to accomplish essentially anything when I am at the house. It is “the house” and not “home” because it isn’t my home. I don’t have a home. I don’t have a place where I truly feel comfortable enough to relax, cook dinner, have “me” time. Since moving out of my apartment in Mechanicsburg in August 2010, I haven’t ever felt home. I’m not a person who can survive without a home – I need it. I require it. Otherwise there’s a lot of unrest.

On the outside everything looks great. Everything looks perfect at times. It isn’t until you get into the meat of things do you realize how many things are not even close to perfection. There’s a constant striving – striving to be the best daughter, friend, confidant, equal that anyone ever could be. I’m afraid to disappoint anyone. Every move I make I wonder who it will affect and how. Through this I’ve put myself through more stress than I ever should. This stress has truly taken its toll on me the last couple of months. Since the beginning of the year I have dropped a couple of pounds because I lost my appetite, and when I would force myself to eat I would get sick after only a couple of bites. On my tiny frame, a couple of pounds is impossible to miss. Especially when it’s closer to ten. Attempting to resolve and push my body back into something more normal is no fun, but it’s where I’m at.

It’s times like these that make it so apparent as to how desperately I need to dance, write or paint. Express myself in one form or another. After 25 years I still prefer to dance even though my body revolts as soon as I stop moving. It’s always been, and maybe always will be, the truest form of freedom I know.

And yes, I still say that things are going well in the midst of this. I have some challenges to overcome, some issues to accept, recognize and ultimately grow from and a lot of fear to deal with.
In some sense or another though that is all of us.

“Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness.” – Allen Ginsberg

Who Said?

Who said…
… Life was easy?
… There wasn’t more to understand?
… Getting over someone should take half the time of the relationship?
… School is easier than a job?
… 24 hours is enough in a day?
… You aren’t allowed to drink too much every once in a while?
… Screaming is not okay?
… Getting lost is not an adventure?
… Your age catches up to you?
… It isn’t okay to divulge your sweet tooth with double dark chocolate gelato?
… Dreams mean nothing?
… Memories that make you smile should disappear just because of who you were with?
… Crying is silly?
… It’s bad to be jealous?
… You should be content with what you have and never desire more?
… Your heart can only break once?
… There is no reason to fight for what you want?
… You can’t make a difference?
… Your life means nothing?
… You aren’t important?

Lightning Upon a Picket Fence

You know how we all experience things that we know no one else will understand or believe, but we will never forget? I believe that there are lots of those moments hidden within relationships.
There are the things which you have never experienced before and so when they do occur you literally (if you’re me) stop in your tracks and wonder how this could be possible.
The experiences of my past relationship seem to have all been preparing me to appreciate a mature relationship. You know, one in which you are actually respected and honored.   This has become exposed to me by my friendships recently. I haven’t put a front on and attempted to be someone who I thought the other wanted me to be, and for that I have both gained and lost friendships. Those which I have gained (and sometimes even lost) have proven to be beyond beneficial for me. I’ve gained the types of friends you wish you could do more for to show your appreciation. One thing they all have in common though is the fact that they each have genuine concern for me, push me to understand why I feel what I feel, and are great at helping me work through problems without making me feel like I have more problems than I really have.  I have had a huge issue in the past with trust. My experiences with guys is that which I have no trust in them, their decisions or even their friends because they never gave me a reason to trust them. So for me to trust someone is similar to lightning on a picket fence. It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does, not many are made aware. I’m currently working on trusting those around me, because if I can’t trust my friends who stand by me, how do I ever plan on being able to trust someone when I am in a relationship with them?   Granted – a lot of it has to do with their character, but let’s all hope I’ve stopped attracting boys and am now attracting men. You know, those who deserve to be trusted.

Ring of Fire

The last week I took part in an experiment. One which I never thought I’d have the moxie to do. Since I wrote “15 Diamonds” I have worn that ring, just about 9 months or so now. The very simple, delicate ring was bought with the intentions to be worn as my wedding band. Obviously life determined otherwise.   My choice, and continuance of wearing the ring on my left ring finger was filled with so many different reasons.
I didn’t want people to look at me and see me as the girl who failed.
I didn’t want to feel empty.
I didn’t want to let a beautiful ring sit.
I didn’t want the question “What happened?” when I talked of my wedding plans.
I didn’t want to accept the fact that I came so close to what I have desired for so long, and I had to let it go.
I didn’t want.
About a month ago it started to bother me. It had just served as the perfect reason for an unsavory fellow to leave my girl friend and I alone while walking down a street at night, but I couldn’t quite shake the thought from my mind that something wasn’t right.
After a bit of soul-searching I decided to swap the hand that the ring was worn on. After two days of attempting to wear it strictly on my right ring finger I realized that subconsciously I would continue to switch it back to the left hand.    There is no part of me which is sworn away to another. There is no one in my life who stands in the position as soul mate (or whatever one chooses to believe in). Rather, it’s simply me. I could no longer fake the fact. It was time to accept it as it is. The last week I’ve been painfully aware of a very small tan line, the lack of bling, and the sinking in of who I am right now.

No longer wearing the ring is a choice. A choice to accept where I am in my life. A choice to accept that there is something better out there for me. A choice to believe that someday I will once again wear a ring on my left hand, but when I do, it’s going to be the one I love from the one I love. Not a ring I bought for myself to match the wrong ring.
In the mean time, I may go back to wearing my ring on my right hand – but I first have to meet a few goals I have for myself. Oh how I love a reward!

Carnations Among Us

The other night I was watching an episode of Sex and the City (oh yes – I own the entire series and am not ashamed in any way) in which Charlotte exclaims that no woman should ever receive carnations – they are the filler flowers! Meanwhile Carrie shares with her love interest that her favorite flower is actually a pink carnation.

The entire scene made me laugh – I’m with Charlotte on this subject completely. Carnations are the flowers which promote the beauty in other flowers. I believe that a female should never be given a bouquet of carnations. Sure, they come in all sorts of color varieties, can be found essentially everywhere, are easy to take care of and last a very long time, so you would think they’d be perfect. But they aren’t.
Now, ladies – it’s the same situation with men – there are so many out there. You have to be careful and make sure that you have a guy in your life that when compared to the others is like comparing a single stem of your favorite flower with a single carnation. When you find him, that’s the man you need to hold on to.
I know from experience that a single carnation is sweet, it doesn’t make me feel special or like I am important. It made me feel second class. Simply put, it was the wrong guy, with the wrong flower.