When Settling is Actually Discovering

We all want to make sure we find the best in life, whether it is the best outfit for our shape, the best home for our family, the best car for our commute, or even the best type of food for our body. There is a constant search for these things because life is always evolving – there’s always something new and better. But what happens when there is nothing better? We leave behind what we believed life could best, and we find ourselves in a bit of a conundrum.
We passed up the best, for the search. This is when settling is no longer settling, but rather discovering what you are pleased with. What you are willing to take a chance with. There will always be a new car, outfit, food trend – but you must allow yourself to accept that what you have already discovered works for you, will continue to work for you. Even if you have to put a little work into it.

When the Water Doesn’t Scald Anymore

Growing up my brothers and I all had chores and one of mine was the dishes. I can remember countless times that my mom would fill the sink with water telling me it was the perfect temperature, but when I’d put my hands in it was too hot for me. The other day while I was with my friends’ kids I turned the water on to wash their hands – immediately they told me the water was too hot. When I checked it however, I considered it warm-ish. I guess that’s one of the things about getting older. You can handle more.
If that’s true though – where is the limit? At what age do we hit the point of which we can handle no more? Does it only seem like we can handle more because we have already experienced so much in our lives? So is it through experience, not necessarily age, that allows us to accept more in our lives?
As we look back on our lives, is that the reason why it seems as if the things we’ve already gone through “weren’t that bad”?

Flash of Familiarity

Over time most, if not every, person who is involved in your life will remind you of someone you once knew. Their disposition, physical features, personality – anything and everything. Lately this has been happening a lot regarding a few of my ex’s. I believe that the more you allow a person to impact your life, the more similarities there are to discover in others. It’s been interesting the past couple of weeks – I’ve noticed the slightest thing and immediately I’ve been transported to a time and place of the past. While these flashes aren’t always the kindest, they definitely are reminders of what I want to avoid.
I love how much knowledge it’s possible to gain just from experiencing something once.

Ability to Change

Life. That thing we take for granted. That thing that 7 years ago I realized how precious mine really was. On March 10, 2005 my parents recognized how serious my depression had gotten and admitted me into the same hospital my dad was at for his stroke (part of the reason being there was difficult for me). When I was admitted though I was taken to the psychiatric wing. It was the most interesting experience of my life up to that point. I was discharged a week later on the 17th. My week there opened my eyes to the conditions of many others. When I left my heart stayed with those who I had met and interacted with. I didn’t want anyone to feel alone, which is very much so my character and personality.

The seven years since I have grown a lot, made mistakes, fallen in and out of love, learned more than I thought I could, forgotten things I thought I’d remember forever and mostly- the single fact which initially just kept me from taking my own life – I’ve impacted others. There are people whose lives have been changed from something I’ve done and I don’t even recognize it. We generally don’t unless we are already close with the person, but every day we live, we affect someone. We all hold the ability to change our outlook on life, it’s just whether or not we want to or see the need to.

While most will celebrate today because it’s St. Patricks’s day, I celebrate today because I am alive!


Hollywood has created the perfect unreal relationship. In each movie, there’s always that singular moment which we all wind up searching for in our own relationships. The look, touch, sigh, song, kiss… Even the first intercourse between the two characters. No matter what it is – after that one happening the two are instantly a happy couple.
Why are we trusting an industry which is known for blowing things out of proportion, creating false realities, pushing people to become someone else, and lying as if it’s going out of style? Why are we looking to these movies, characters, and even the actors as guides to our own personal love lives?

Last time I had a first kiss there were no fireworks which shot off, and there was no perfectly timed and beautifully written instrumental piece which began to play in the background. Last time I saw a guy who I thought was attractive and caught eyes with, he did not come up to me and we did not immediately commence in witty banter. Last time I snuggled with a guy we had to adjust ten million times before we were both comfortable. Last time a date came to a close I walked myself to my car. Last time I allowed a stranger to buy me a drink it did not come with his number on the napkin, and he certainly never approached me. Last time I danced with a guy in a club it did not end with us leaving together, or even with each others’ numbers.

My life is no Hollywood movie and frankly, I’m thrilled it isn’t!

My Valentine

Valentine, you are the one whose smile can brighten any moment. You are the one who loves without regard. You are the one who is worthy of this, and so much more. You are the one who is strong when I’m faced with difficulty. You are the one who accepts my faults. You are the one who encourages me to chase my dreams. You are the one whose heartbeat I live by. You are the one who inspires me. You have the laugh I miss when I go a day without. You are the unique soul which I admire. You have the wisdom that without, this world would be bleak to me. You are the one who reveals beauty. You are the one who worships without abandon. You are the one who knows all of my fears and tries to push them away. You are the one whose vision of life is inspiring. You left me for a time, and it was a grave period. My heart ached, my vision was blurred, there was no music for my body to move to, there were endless tears… Thank you for coming back. At first I wasn’t sure of your return, but as time passed I knew for sure you were once again with me. So, Valentine – never forget that you are loved, cherished, treasured and adored.

After 24 years, I figured it was about time to write myself a Valentine letter. If we don’t first love, honor and accept ourselves, how could we ever expect someone else to?


Sinking. Falling. Drowning. Gasping… Standing in front of him I realized he had no idea the power his eyes held. The moment his hand had so casually found mine was just another breath he didn’t remember taking. As his lips grazed mine I wondered why my stomach reeled as it never had done before. With the slightest of touches he pushed my hair behind my ear. It was then that I recognized all I had shared with him already was enough.

The variety of my laugh.
The deepness of my eyes.
The slightest twitch of my ears to keep from smiling.
The absolute care for others.
The ability to be so intense on a specific subject.
The grace behind my movements.
The nerd which attempts to hide behind perfume and labels.
The assortment of my interests. 

Enough to impress, I suppose.
At this point, I’m forced to wonder – when did being impressive become my new standard?  I thought I was attempting to be exceptional. One who wouldn’t accept impressing someone as reason enough. One who didn’t want to impress, but rather reach incredibly high expectations. One who was devotedly chased.
What happened to that woman?