Childhood Fears

Lying in bed a couple of minutes ago I was suddenly hit with a memory from my childhood. Barely any recollection was possible, however I could clearly recall that in the midst of an elementary school weekend church retreat, surrounded by my classmates and leaders that I saw 2-3 times a week: I was terrified. Terrified of being alone, forgotten, rejected, and that no one understood me. As I tried to follow the memory deeper; remember more of what I experienced or what happened, I came up empty. My memories of my childhood are very slight and 80% of the time are sad/depressing. It’s challenging to remember the good things I experienced, the carefree times that all children should have. Instead when I search my childhood for memories – I’m greeted with an overwhelming amount of fear.

How our childhood, and what we are capable of retaining from our childhood, affect our “grown up” lives is a bit unnerving. Those fears we experienced when we were 4? Yeah, they still show up in our lives when we are 24, 34, 44,etc…  In my own personal life, I tend to push people away – exert my independence as far as I possibly can, which sometimes causes me to injure myself. Teamwork? More like “how much can Danielle do without anyone else’s help-work”. At least I am able to recognize my lacking ability to rely on others. I’m afraid to ask too much of others only to be denied and rejected.

Even though I know that I will never be rejected by certain ones in my life… And even though I know that I will always have outstretched arms to run to for support… I still have these nights where all I can recount from my childhood is the fear of being rejected. My heart is and always has been very sensitive; that’s one thing that I don’t think will ever change, but maybe someday when I look back to my childhood I’ll remember the better times.

Not Over vs. Impacted

It’s crossed my mind multiple times lately how over my ex I truly am. I suppose that my continual looking back doesn’t make it seem that way though.
Here’s the thing – I really am over him. The hurt, pain, trials, heartache… There’s no reason to not be over the relationship. However, I have been impacted by it. Perhaps that’s why some people come up with the conclusion that even after a year I’m still holding on.
The other week I was on the phone with my best friend discussing the relationship and I mentioned how someone had just questioned whether or not I was over it. She was astonished that anyone would ever consider even asking me that.
I will not claim that this past year has not been a maze. I will not claim that I was not an emotional wreck the first few months. I will not claim that I never think of him. I will not claim that I never miss being with someone.
What I can claim however is that no part of me wants to be in a relationship like the one I was in. No part of me wishes to have my ex in my life at this time. No part of me is able to recall being in that relationship without also recalling the hurt.
I learned a lot from the relationship – so I will often pull on those lessons in my daily life. In no way does that say I’m not over the relationship. Rather, proves that I have come so far that I am now able to recognize the bad from the good.
Preparing for this month I was a bit lethargic, sentimental, and overall reminiscent. With what I believe is good reason though. I don’t find it possible to hit your one year anniversary of ending an engagement as well as what would have been two years of being in that relationship without thinking back and recognizing what all has happened in those years. To date, two years ago I was arriving in England – the land I consider home. One year ago I was in PA working and celebrating a good friends’ 21st birthday. So what? I remember a lot of things and when exactly they happen. Doesn’t mean that I’m stuck in the past and unable to look toward the future chasing after the goals which I have in my life.
Everyone’s past experiences impact how they live.

Ready to Leave

I like to talk. This is no surprise if you know me. The other night I found myself alone in my parents kitchen with my sister-in-law with whom I started to share some things about myself. Things that I hadn’t fully understood about myself yet.

While living life it’s possible to focus on getting through each day as it comes. But can that really be considered living? Feeling as though you’re constantly missing out on what your life is supposed to have – is that really enjoying life? Constantly searching for the “more” you feel is missing, attempting to keep a smile on your face so others won’t be too concerned, longing for some direction so you know you’re still on a path which is meant for your life… Is this really living and enjoying your time?

All of us only have so much time with which to do as we please on this Earth. I have been gently reminded of that fact due to the passing of my great-aunt last night. Less than two weeks ago she said “I’m ready to go…”   What does it take to feel ready? 

Impressed?

Sinking. Falling. Drowning. Gasping… Standing in front of him I realized he had no idea the power his eyes held. The moment his hand had so casually found mine was just another breath he didn’t remember taking. As his lips grazed mine I wondered why my stomach reeled as it never had done before. With the slightest of touches he pushed my hair behind my ear. It was then that I recognized all I had shared with him already was enough.

The variety of my laugh.
The deepness of my eyes.
The slightest twitch of my ears to keep from smiling.
The absolute care for others.
The ability to be so intense on a specific subject.
The grace behind my movements.
The nerd which attempts to hide behind perfume and labels.
The assortment of my interests. 

Enough to impress, I suppose.
At this point, I’m forced to wonder – when did being impressive become my new standard?  I thought I was attempting to be exceptional. One who wouldn’t accept impressing someone as reason enough. One who didn’t want to impress, but rather reach incredibly high expectations. One who was devotedly chased.
What happened to that woman?

The New Generation

With the slightest bit of the full moon peaking over the hills in Pennsylvania a phone rang. On one side was an excited man whose life had just changed in the most incredible of ways. The other side was a couple who were filled with anticipation for this very moment.

A new generation had just been born.

On Tuesday night I became an aunt. My oldest brother who lives in Austria and his wife welcomed into their arms a son, Joshua. While for the most part this entrance into the world was surrounded by overwhelming love, there was a hint of bittersweet. Joshua stands as the first grandchild for my parents – the first great-grandchild to my grandma – the first of nephews and nieces to any of my siblings. He arrived in a country far away from us though. It won’t be until May, when my family once again all gathers for my other brothers wedding, that this side of his family will be able to meet little Joshua. I’m not sure if I’ll feel like an official aunt until then. When it all comes down to it though – that’s okay. I’ve seen his face, fingers and toes. I know he’s a healthy little man and his parents are both well. In a couple of months when he’s squishy and even more adorable I’ll have my chance to love on him. Hope that little man is ready for it!

Joshua
Meaning: God is my salvation.
Spiritual Connotation: Bringer of Truth.
Scripture: James 1:25

Known Chords

A Minor… C… F Major 7th.

If you’re any sort of musician you more than likely understood that. If you’re me, you Googled it. In doing so, you’d find songs a million and realize those random letters, rankings and number are actually chords. Tonight I mean just one of those songs. No – it isn’t Coldplay, The Cranberries, Paul McCartney, Elton John or Led Zepplin. Rather it’s a Ray LaMontagne song. One which I heard not even 20 minutes ago on an old episode of House M.D. You see, I’m catching up on the seasons and am on season 5. I had forgotten how much I love the show – and the songs they play at the end, or near end, of an episode. Always so fitting, mostly unknown, and wonderfully timed. As soon as I heard the opening chords to the song tonight I immediately found myself time-traveling back to June 27. The night I drank way more than I should have, said things I shouldn’t have, and listened to “I Still Care About You” more than 20 times… Oh yes – the things we do when we’re hurting. Hearing this song made me feel the way I felt that night. Desperate, alone, wishing, hurt, fragile, desiring the toxicity to return. When the song ended and I found myself sitting alone on September 18, I had to knock myself around until I moved past those feelings from June and back in to the Danielle of September.
The Danielle who isn’t desperate, needy or alone. The Danielle who still tells the truth, because lying gets you absolutely nowhere. The Danielle who looks at her situation and wonders in amazement, not regret “What next?!” The Danielle who has no problem sitting on the floor of her childhood room, typing up her true thoughts, feelings and journey for complete strangers to join her through. The Danielle who looks back on her life over the past year and is in awe of all she accomplished and learned.

Isn’t that the point of life – to continually learn?

Learning Over the Years

I stumbled upon some blog posts of mine from a few years ago. While reading them I couldn’t get past the fact that I was the one who wrote what I was reading. It didn’t seem possible. The words, thoughts, feelings – did I really go through all of them? At such a young age?

Don’t be surprised if over the next couple days a few more of these blasts from the past appear…

What if the answer had been “No”? (March 2, 2009)

Oh the things that happen in just a few months time.. It’s greatly deceiving when you look to the future and immediately think that it will take months, if not years for things to begin to change.This is not true to any point whatsoever.
Look back on your life the past month… 2 months… Think about everything that has happened and why it has happened. You will begin to see how easily and quickly things truly do change. This may be frustrating to those of you who do not appreciate or welcome change, but you must look towards your life goals… How do you plan on achieving them if you refuse to allow change in your life?
For me personally the new year already has presented itself with so many different changes I am believing what I had thought long ago… 2009 is the year of change.
You don’t have to agree with me, I don’t care. But I will testify to this being true.
I won’t get into the list of things that have happened in my life not only personally but also on a professional level. I do not see that being fit or even necessary to make this point. (what point? you ask… I’m not sure… I never am)
Gosh darn… Right now I’m quite frustrated with life… Ok, maybe not life, but those who are involved in it. I absolutely despise it when the world is promised on that wonderful silver platter, and then taken away like it had never even been presented. Don’t do that. Not to me. It’s happened too many times all ready and I’m sick of it. If you can’t deliver don’t make the promise. Ohhh I’m a stickler for making promises only if you plan on keeping them. Perhaps I should make that more of a known fact when people start promising the world, stars and moon…. *gr*
If nothing else, life is a time of learning, and I have done a whole lot of learning in these past two months and will continue to do so.
You will never know everything. Accepting this fact and knowing you know nothing will then in turn make you smarter than those who “know all”…

…..I hate tests…..

Yes, this post makes little to no sense… Yes, therefore it is totally me.