There are times where you aren’t sure how to explain what occurred or how you feel about something. I seem to have quite a few of those – this evening is yet another.
I was reminded yet again of how little one has control over. In so many ways.
All day I was craving French toast, which – I finally made upon arriving at my parents home. I heard about how my moms transmission kaputz on her drive home – time for a new used car. When I finally settled down from slaving over the stove I was catching up on Facebook – as we all do these days.
I found myself reading, and re-reading a status update by a girl who is more an acquaintance than anything else.
My phone rang, I didn’t recognize the number but I answered.
The bottom left of my screen showed a tweet by my brothers girlfriend.
I’m officially ready for the day to end.
The status – “Yesterday, the man I love died. He was a brother, son, uncle and a Marine. Right now i am hanging by a thread. But I know he loved his job, his Family, and Me. I have family to stand by me and a home to come back too. And even if i can’t spend my life with his, someday i will get to see him again, and we can have eternity to hold on to each other.”
The phone call – from the shop which my wedding dress was purchased. The consultant who helped me that amazing and miraculous January day wanted to wish me luck on our upcoming wedding, as it is now only 12 full days away. (August 13)
The tweet – “Celebrating 7 months with Seth in Baltimore.”
I find myself with one bite left unable to even think of eating it. My heart is officially freaking out. I can’t imagine the love of my life being taken away – without ever being able to say goodbye. Let alone live together, have children with, grow old and… *sigh* That’s something I don’t wish on anyone, but yet I do know many have had to live through it – I have nothing to say to those, but rather all I want to do is give them all a hug.
My wedding dress. That gorgeous, amazing, miraculous, beautiful garment of ivory. The same one which is now kept in the same location I sleep – in my parents house. One of the most publicized pieces of a wedding. What every little girl dreams of some day wearing. I cried when I found it. I cry every time I realize I won’t be wearing it the day I thought I would – let alone, possibly ever – when I realize the man I thought I’d walk toward while wearing it, possibly won’t be the one I thought. I have no clue what to do with the dress. There’s a story there which I’ll explain in another entry perhaps.
My brother and his girlfriend were visiting from Texas this weekend (in part to the family reunion yesterday) – last time I saw them was with my ex on our trip across the country – when we were still together, still talking, still absorbed in all that we were dealing with. This time, it was just me. I had to somehow handle not only a weekend I have despised since the middle of June, but also seeing a couple who are entirely happy, caught up and in love. They have such a great relationship – something I always have desired. It was almost unbearable for me to see the two of them together. It’s sweet, adorable and precious, yes – but for goodness sake – I’m attempting to feel okay with being single over here! I used to have someone walk up behind me and start rubbing my shoulders. I used to have someone who I could look at and share a story no one else around would understand. I used to have someone who would look me in the eye and calm me down. I used to have someone who would go to all sorts of family functions with me. I used to… Okay – I’m not going to cry.
This is going to be a tough month. I’m terribly looking forward to getting out of this state come Friday night. I will accept any sort of reprieve.
When I started writing this, “Open Arms” by Journey was playing… As I finish, “Truly, Madly, Deeply” by Savage Garden is. I’m able to find something in everything.