Feature of Messages

Here is one thing I like about the iPhone – it keeps your voice mails, essentially until you delete them. Tonight, this is a feature I do not like.

Thing #2,593 to do when going through a break up: delete all voice mails sooner rather than later.

I received a call from a number I did not know, so naturally I didn’t answer. When they didn’t leave a message I wondered if they had ever called me before so I did a quick scroll through of missed calls and eventually moved on to voice mails. At which point I wondered to myself “Did I ever delete all of his messages??” So down I scrolled and found a few still lingering.
Being the girl I am I couldn’t just up and delete, I had to listen to them. There were ones he left which were frustrated, hurt, wondering, and then I scrolled down so far I was back in the days when our relationship was more sweet talk than anything else. Filled more with the likes of “Baby doll” and “I love you” and “I miss you so much” than anything else.
As I listened to these messages from my dear past ghost, at first I was filled with the emotions the messages were left with – frustration, hurt, wonder… But as we filtered into the love – the ones which he wished me a happy morning, reminding me that “Hey! It’s Friday!” with a smile… The one he left when I wasn’t feeling well and the sweetness and concern which every word dripped with… I looked up into the mirror and saw a girl with tears streaming down her face.
It feels like more than 3 weeks since I last heard his voice. Hearing it tonight, even though recorded and from the past, left me breaking down.

I know that eventually the day will come where I don’t find myself crying, or wondering.

Until then I find myself making an addition to the list of multiple ways you must remove someone from your life – delete all voice mails.

Dot Dot Dot

Ready for the random?

My full-time job let me know that in approximately two months I will no longer be needed there…
Life really needs to slow down because I am exhausted more than ever these days…
Decision making is not something I do easily, in fact I have troubles at the 99 cent menu at Wendy’s, so life-altering decisions are terrifying…
If one more person suggests I watch any of the following I will freak out: Firefly, Serenity, Dr. Who and… Oh shucks, there was another.
Being in such pain is terrible – eventually I’ll get to a doctor… Whenever I get insurance again. *gr*
I’ve been more aware of how much my heart hurts lately…
When I walk away from my phone for 8 hours, come back and nothing has occurred I feel alone, he made sure I never felt that way…
There are so many little things which take place every single day which remind me of him and the fact that he’s gone now…
An extended weekend means more work and even less down time – and never getting to the things which I really need to do for myself…
It’s scary to think about how I have to learn the details of yet another persons life, let alone allow them into my life…
Trying to continue on in my life is seeming to be more than I can bear – how in the world is he doing it?… I really shouldn’t wonder that, should I?
Oh well – who the flip cares – all I know is my mind is overwhelmed, my heart hurts and my physical being is in no way good. (still semi-sick-ish)
There are too many decisions to be made (location, job, school, life?!)…
Can someone tell me what to do… Please?
Or even better, can someone transport me into the future so I can see where I’m at in a couple of years? That’d help make a bunch of decisions, I’m sure…

I promise a more coherent entry is on its way… *sigh*

Tonight’s Soundtrack

On the way home tonight I plugged my iPod in, selected my “Favorites” playlist (all songs with 4 or 5 stars, almost 1,000 songs) and hit shuffle. This isn’t the first time this has happened, but it is the first time I’m taking note. Every song that played seemed as though it was hand-selected for me tonight.

1) Pardon Me – Incubus
2) Come in Closer – Blue October
3) Infiltrate – Worth Dying For
4) Best Thing I Never Had – Beyonce
5) Lost+ – Coldplay (off of Prospekt’s March)
6) Thinking of You – Future of Forestry
7) (If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To – Weezer
8 ) What If – Coldplay
9) After Your Heart – Phil Wickham
10) Let Love In – The Goo Goo Dolls
11) Seasons of Love – Rent Original Broadway Cast
12) Tonight, Tonight – The Smashing Pumpkins
13) Pins and Needles – Billy Talent
14) Set Fire To The Rain – Adele

Now, you may wonder what the message was on some of these. I’ll attempt to give a short summary as I’m rather exhausted at this point.
1) The entire song is essentially where I’m at; 23, fed up with the world, overwhelmed by life.
2) Having the desire of someone there, but the batch of wedding roses have been thrown away.
3) I’m going through life, this is my place and I’ll stand firm for my life.
4) Heh… I saw things I didn’t like and so I cut them out. I thought I found ‘forever’ but then things happened and I’m better off without… *sigh*
5)  I may be in a really hard place – but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s happening or how to handle myself.
6)  Don’t be afraid to go out and find all that’s out there.
7) This was the subject of one of the e-mails I sent my ex while we were on opposite coasts… Tonight though I really listened to the lyrics. Somewhere out there is one who will take one for the team and respect me enough to ask my parents permission before proposing.
8 ) This is what it feels and looks like when you don’t want someone by your side or in your life anymore… It’s sad, haunting and so full of hurt.
9) I know what I’m in the midst of, but I will always turn praise and affection to my God.
10) A person is so beautiful when they allow love in their life. Why keep that from the world? Be open to the love of your family and friends. Over time someone will come along who loves the love you emit.
11) Why bother measuring life in any other way than the love that is shared?
12)  Life is always changing, don’t be afraid, it’s great and amazing – every day you learn more. Believe in yourself, and believe in those who love you.
13)  This song was just added to my list this morning, and I find it more fitting for him to have it in his library than myself… He could have written it, I wouldn’t be surprised if he were to learn it at some point.
14)  Precisely how I feel – word for word – about the relationship… Such a strong, emotional and incredible song. Here’s the song in case you’ve (somehow) never heard it.

French Toast

There are times where you aren’t sure how to explain what occurred or how you feel about something. I seem to have quite a few of those – this evening is yet another.

I was reminded yet again of how little one has control over. In so many ways.
All day I was craving French toast, which – I finally made upon arriving at my parents home. I heard about how my moms transmission kaputz on her drive home – time for a new used car. When I finally settled down from slaving over the stove I was catching up on Facebook – as we all do these days.
I found myself reading, and re-reading a status update by a girl who is more an acquaintance than anything else.
My phone rang, I didn’t recognize the number but I answered.
The bottom left of my screen showed a tweet by my brothers girlfriend.
I’m officially ready for the day to end.

The status – “Yesterday, the man I love died. He was a brother, son, uncle and a Marine. Right now i am hanging by a thread. But I know he loved his job, his Family, and Me. I have family to stand by me and a home to come back too. And even if i can’t spend my life with his, someday i will get to see him again, and we can have eternity to hold on to each other.”

The phone call – from the shop which my wedding dress was purchased. The consultant who helped me that amazing and miraculous January day wanted to wish me luck on our upcoming wedding, as it is now only 12 full days away. (August 13)

The tweet – “Celebrating 7 months with Seth in Baltimore.”

I find myself with one bite left unable to even think of eating it. My heart is officially freaking out. I can’t imagine the love of my life being taken away – without ever being able to say goodbye. Let alone live together, have children with, grow old and… *sigh* That’s something I don’t wish on anyone, but yet I do know many have had to live through it – I have nothing to say to those, but rather all I want to do is give them all a hug.
My wedding dress. That gorgeous, amazing, miraculous, beautiful garment of ivory. The same one which is now kept in the same location I sleep – in my parents house. One of the most publicized pieces of a wedding. What every little girl dreams of some day wearing. I cried when I found it. I cry every time I realize I won’t be wearing it the day I thought I would – let alone, possibly ever – when I realize the man I thought I’d walk toward while wearing it, possibly won’t be the one I thought. I have no clue what to do with the dress. There’s a story there which I’ll explain in another entry perhaps.
My brother and his girlfriend were visiting from Texas this weekend (in part to the family reunion yesterday) – last time I saw them was with my ex on our trip across the country – when we were still together, still talking, still absorbed in all that we were dealing with. This time, it was just me. I had to somehow handle not only a weekend I have despised since the middle of June, but also seeing a couple who are entirely happy, caught up and in love. They have such a great relationship – something I always have desired. It was almost unbearable for me to see the two of them together. It’s sweet, adorable and precious, yes – but for goodness sake – I’m attempting to feel okay with being single over here! I used to have someone walk up behind me and start rubbing my shoulders. I used to have someone who I could look at and share a story no one else around would understand. I used to have someone who would look me in the eye and calm me down. I used to have someone who would go to all sorts of family functions with me. I used to… Okay – I’m not going to cry.

This is going to be a tough month. I’m terribly looking forward to getting out of this state come Friday night. I will accept any sort of reprieve.

When I started writing this, “Open Arms” by Journey was playing… As I finish, “Truly, Madly, Deeply” by Savage Garden is. I’m able to find something in everything.



That Girl.

I never saw myself as being that girl in your family who was engaged and then out of nowhere was single.
I never wanted to be that girl you know who seems to be with a new guy every couple of months.
I never wanted to be that girl who you didn’t ever really know.
I wasn’t supposed to be that girl whose life did a total 360 in every way imaginable.
I don’t think of myself as that girl who people truly respect and honor.
I never thought people would see me as that girl they can rely on.
I always wanted to be that girl who was a young mother.
I want to be that girl who gets swept away by the most amazing guy anyone has ever met, and ever will meet.
I thought I’d never again be that girl who has to face a family reunion without her ‘other’ by her side.
I don’t want to be that girl who lets little things bother her.
I don’t want to be that girl who can’t make a decision.
I don’t want to be that girl who cries every time she watches Titanic.
I don’t want to be that girl who remembers each and every single hurt like it were yesterday.
I am not that girl you see walking around in any other style than her own.
I am not that girl who has bumper stickers (or for that matter, anything else that can be labeled with the same sort of “tacky”).
I am not that girl who doesn’t think about every single detail following any act someone else brings up.
I am not that girl who you can swing around emotionally.
I am that girl who would rather just snuggle in to a comfortable couch and watch a movie than anything else.
I am not that girl who is okay with someone ignoring her.
I am not that girl who will ever think it alright for any man I’m with to go to a strip club or anything along those lines.
I am that girl who will do things and count up items no one else ever would.
I am that girl who will pick apart every section of your life and attempt to determine what I will and will not live with.
I am that girl who waters her soda down – but hates ice. (It’s too cold)
I am that girl who needs someone/thing in her life which will just love her and not ask questions or try to fix every single freaking thing in her life. (Thus, my puppy, Ava)
I am not that girl who will play video games as a hobby.
I am not that girl who will ever settle on a hobby. (video games will never again be a hobby for me though.)
I am not that girl who is okay with people taking part in mindless activities.
I am not that girl who can handle silence in a room.
I am that girl who always wants the best.
I am that girl who will always try to make things better.
I am that girl who needs to express herself creatively.
I am that girl who does not like to be told what to think or how to handle situations.
I am that girl who is a planner, and the second anything changes must be told about the change.
I am that girl who listens to a lot of pop – and enjoys it.
I am that girl who will be slightly offended if you ever knock the music I pick out.
I am that girl who wants to live in England, and raise her children there.
I am that girl who it will take a whole lot more time until she can without hesitation think of herself as an ex-fiancée.
I am that girl who still thinks of herself as a fiancée every once in a while.
I am that girl who just the other day picked out a few details which weren’t settled for the wedding prior to the break-up (you know, bridesmaids dresses, cake, invitations, my bouquet… there was a lot left open.)
I am that girl who does not want to go to any family reunions ever again until she’s married.
I am that girl who can recall at the drop of a hat what happened this week last year.
I am that girl who still has no idea who she is or how she feels.
I am that girl though, who knows what she needs.

Miss Super Sentimental

Sometime this afternoon the day became difficult and I became an emotional roller coaster. Unsure of what the issue was, I continued on through my day allowing myself to pause and take moments when I needed to. I had known this day was coming for a bit now, and yet somehow when it finally arrived I forgot about it. How does one forget what day it is? Easy – they don’t linger on the events of the past. As soon as I realized what the day was though – I was done for. At this point you must be curious, what is so special about July 12?

My mom had her graduation from school (Medical Assisting degree) this day last year, it was a Monday and I left work early to assure I’d be there for it. The previous night I had spent time with my ex and was already at the point of missing him terribly. I didn’t return home until late that night and was texting with him late into the night. I approached him with the concern of his commitment to the relationship, he told me to refresh my Facebook. At 1:39 in the morning of July 13th, I had a notification waiting for me to either approve or deny. It was the most he could do, and he said if he could do more, he would just to prove how important I was to him.

It’s always been about the little things for me. Dates and times are included in those “little things”. It’s just so difficult for me to fathom what all has occurred this past year. Exactly a year ago I was considered single, then a relationship, less than 6 months later engaged, and less than 6 months after that I’m back to single. What’s the most ridiculous part in all of this? I remembered the time of which I received the e-mail from Facebook, but confirmed it when I went through my e-mails and found it just now. Who keeps that sort of thing? Me. Miss Super Sentimental.
This evening I received an e-mail from him. This is an issue because we’re supposed to be in a time of no communication. His e-mail was pretty straightforward…

I’m doing my best over here to go along with this no communication.  I really am but I don’t like the trend of music you’ve been soundtracking.  You told me once that if I wanted to know what you were thinking all I had to do was ask what music you currently had on.  I don’t know that there is anything I can say to you other than I love you.  Whether you see it or not, I never wanted to hurt you.  If I had my way I would make sure you were never hurt by anyone ever again.  I don’t know what you are going through or how you are handling it but just like before, here I stand with as much love in my heart as I ever had.
I love you Danielle.  Even though every single person I know is telling me that i’m better off without you, I won’t stop.  I will pursue you.  Maybe not for months, maybe not for years, but you will someday comprehend my love for you.  I will stand before you unashamed and uncompromising until that day.

I shared with a dear friend that he e-mailed me and the gist of it, when she asked me how I felt about it my head whirled. Here is a man who I have absolutely no trust in, who isn’t supposed to be contacting me in any way shape or form telling me that he never wanted to hurt me (so then don’t lie, or tell only partial truths!), he still loves me and he will continue to pursue me. There were times earlier in our relationship where all I wanted was to be pursued, at this very moment though I want to be respected and honored to the point of which he does not contact me until I give him the go ahead – as we agreed upon. My heart gets tugged, my mind lashes out memories of last month, my heart still misses him though. This isn’t about him though – this time, these days, weeks, however long it is, will be about me. My heart. I have no idea where I’m going from here, I don’t even know what tomorrow will bring. All I know is, today is today. I lived through it. I pushed through and I am slowly healing.