Tigers and Doodles

Seasons come and go.  Literally and figuratively.  Things are always changing. Each day is different from every other. Even when it feels like you live the same life every damn day.

You are the only constant.

Every new thing that enters your life can easily be viewed as an uncertainty. How you relate to that uncertainty has a lot to do with personality type.

When faced with new situations, some will be entirely thrilled and they’ll thrive because it’s how they are hardwired. Others, will slink back into the shadows and wait until they know it is safe and what to expect.

There’s no right or wrong way to handle things. I’ve had that exemplified in my life to an extreme degree recently. The challenges I’m currently facing in my life are those that many others have had to walk through, but the way I handle myself as I navigate this world is completely the way I will choose to – not how anyone else has or will.

Standards

My mind has been fluttering between thoughts of my dad, work, my car, family, friends, puppies, the house, my ex, the holidays, my upcoming birthday, and so many other things recently it’s hard to keep track of life. Things have been occurring left and right with those I hold most dear, but still nothing can knock out my thoughts on this time of the year.

Last year I was in a different physical, mental and emotional state. I was looking forward to returning to PA and spending the entire Christmas break with my boyfriend. We had gone through a lot that first semester, but it was nothing compared to what we would face once I left for the spring semester.
One thing I remember discussing with him when we first entered into our relationship was how he had moved from western PA to central PA earlier than planned because things had gone awry with a girl out there. Something I just recently realized is, now that he’s older and girls pay attention to him, he can’t be single for long. It was only 4 months after we ended our engagement, and 2 months after he told me that he’d always be there for me (on the night we said goodbye forever) that he entered into a new relationship.  That doesn’t quite add up for me in my world, I’m sorry. If you were truly committed to someone and honestly loved them you wouldn’t pick up the first person to come along and enter into a relationship with them. There’s something wrong with you if you do.

The inability to be alone exists from an incredible amount of fears.

Considering this is all occurring in his life, I’m not surprised. The light in which I have viewed him since June/August has revealed so many things, I can’t believe I hadn’t seen most of them while we were engaged.  If his standards are so low and his fears so high that he is satisfied with this current relationship, wow. No wonder he wasn’t comfortable with me in the Spring. I pushed him to take responsibility for himself and to step up and be a man. In his eyes that meant attempting to pull me apart and tell me how I should be. Granted, I did this to a certain extent – but I longed for a spouse who was at least on the same level as me. It’s warned in the Bible to not bring yourself together with someone who is not on the same path as you. Because he and I had at one point been on the same level, the same path, I had desired to continue together – apparently though he just wasn’t up for it. My path took me further into a relationship with God and his… Well, he will do as he pleases.

My heart has longed for someone to be there for me, to give me a shoulder to cry on, to handle some of my errands, to spend time with me while I visit my dad, to discuss options with me, to compliment me on the things I get done, to remind me that everything will be okay – and hold me, to sit me down and chill me out… But I’m not stopping at the first guy who says Hi. My options to this point have all been lacking.
My standards are set so high now that even in the midst of the most difficult time I’ve ever had in my life, I’d rather be alone than with any of the guys who surround me.

Expression

It was March 31, 2011 the last time I had the opportunity to dance like no one was watching. Last night I took someone up on their offer and used an open studio to finally let free the things which have been building up inside of me for the past 7 months. All of the lies which had been told to me, the hurt, the pain, the remorse, the strength, the life, the hope, the journey, the love, the life, the true growth which I’ve gone through — finally were released.

I know it was March 31 because that was the day I learned something about my ex. That was also the night he lied straight to my face – and for the first time I knew without a doubt he was lying.

Ever since I was a child I didn’t think I could properly express my heart in any way – except dance. No one can control me. No one can tell me I did something incorrectly. No one can lie to me. No one can make me feel worthless. No one can change my mind. No one when I dance.

The songs I danced to were on shuffle from a favorites list… A few which stick out are Boyce Avenue’s “Broken Angel”, Avril Lavigne’s “Not Enough”, Kate Earl’s “Melody” and Priscilla Ahn’s “Dream”.

Some days life finally gives you a chance to express yourself the best way you know how. There are certain things we all do which we believe to be the best for our heart, mind, soul and body. Giving an opportunity up to move along in your life is something none should do.

Reject

Last night I was fully prepared to cry myself to sleep. With how I was feeling all afternoon and evening led me to believe nothing less would occur… And then I went to the conference. A spirit of rejection can produce so many different issues; always feeling left out, never feeling good enough/acceptable, desperate to be loved but convinced we’re unable to be loved, judgement of every facial expression/body movement/eyes and tone of voice when talking with another, pushes us into offense/unforgiveness/accusation, fears in multiple areas and it causes us to reject ourselves. Now, I’m not saying that I every single person who deals with these issues and similar ones has a spirit of rejection – I’m just learning about these things myself. What I am saying is, there’s a really good possibility that one exists if there are these issues.
The spirit of rejection enters in numerous ways; parents, other family members, divorce, peers and generational rejection.

What we do about it is up to us. We can either continue walking in the fear, or we can walk in faith that we are loved, we are accepted and we are important. Everywhere we go it’s common to feel not good enough – like we’re lacking something. It’s common to see others and recognize what you don’t have. How often do we go back though and count up the millions of things we do have though? Not nearly enough – because if that were so there wouldn’t be as many people hurting or attempting to ‘get even’ or people striving for the things they don’t have.

Experiencing rejection can be the most physically, spiritually and emotionally devastating of all human emotions.

 

Sitting in a room hearing all of these things and so much more really pushed me to recognize what was holding on inside of me. The thing which I was so terribly dealing with yesterday. I had a spirit of rejection in my heart, mind, soul. It was so deep I didn’t even recognize it.
(Hello, continual learning process. Hello, deep dark layers of Danielle. Hello, things which thought they’d never have to surface.)
After the teaching we went into a time where they started walking people through removing these nasty things which have become attached onto these people. When they hit “deep wounding and brokenhearted-ness”  I found myself crying uncontrollably. I found myself face to face with the leader, as she came back to where I was sitting. I found myself feeling all of the pain I’d ever pushed down. I found myself speaking the pain away. I found myself able to breathe. I found myself.

I’m not perfect – I will never claim to be such. I will however say, I am amazing. I am strong. I am incredible. I am emotional. I am precious. I am to be honored. I am to be respected. I am created to be none other. I am unique. I am honest. I am me.
I’m not a scared little girl afraid of being hurt, wounded, broken up with. I’m not afraid of receiving love. I’m not worried about whether or not I’m lovable.