Life in pieces

If you know me in person you know that my life has been the messiest and craziest it’s ever been.

Every day has become a roller coaster of emotions due to divorce and custody proceedings, fears and attempting to calm a tumultuous sea.

My heart is so overwhelmed. My mind has had challenges or questions I hadn’t anticipated. My soul is hurt.

A high level of uncertainty is impacting every aspect of my life.

I don’t even know how often in a few months I will have my child in my custody. I finally have the baby boy I loved, cried for, and dreamed of for years and he might not be with me every day… it’s heartbreaking to think about.

The choices my (ex) husband made years ago broke my world to pieces a year and a half ago and have created aftershocks in my current life.

All I want is to be happy, safe, and have my happy little family with just some level of certainty.

Someday. Maybe someday.

Transition

tran·si·tion \tran(t)-ˈsi-shən

:  a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another

[Websters]

There are so many other words I could use to describe this season Bruno and I find ourselves in, but none of them do it justice.

For many months we deliberated on our future, where it would take us and when things would happen. Late last year things began to fall into place for Bruno to chase after one of his childhood dreams. One thing I’ve learned about being a wife is you really should support your husband, even if you don’t always agree or understand things.

As a result of Bruno pursuing these dreams, he has been 1,200 miles away for the last two and a half months. He made a few visits throughout the months but for the most part we have had a majority of the country separating us.
Why? He’s been trailblazing a new season in our lives – one that will bring us closer to each other. For all of February there were over 2,100 miles between us so I really shouldn’t complain about 1,200. Either way – it’s a lot of miles.

It may seem strange that we have physical distance between us as we approach this new season, however it has really made me stop and contemplate things. I’ve never truly appreciated him for who he is and all he does. There are no words that can express what he means to me and it is my hope that I will continue to grow in this appreciation and recognition when we are back to living together.

We’ve been striving, yearning, trying, fighting, pushing, and desperate to really come together in our marriage. Whether it was a result of the time away from each other or the fact we are moving to a new location, I feel like we are getting there.
Finally, there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
We are blazing our path.
Our sights are set on a new place of dreaming and existing.
In just a few days it will all become a reality.

Against the grain (Update!)

This post is over 8 months in the making. Rather difficult to believe it’s been that long but nonetheless, time certainly does fly!

Mid-June there was a desperate need of a move from the city into the suburbs. Rather than keeping the window treatments closed for fear of who was outside, the curtains are open to trees. Taking Ava (the dog) for a walk means fresh air and no concerns about the convicted sex offender who lives a few doors down. Night no longer brings bangs, swearing, and fights outside the window but now there is the noise of crickets. Such peace and contentedness now!

More important than a move… I am so thrilled to be able to share that my dear barista, Bruno (first mentioned here), and I have joined one another for life. We were engaged June 28, 2014 after a whirlwind day and our proposal took place via a PA system on a plane mid-flight! Yes, the proposal was caught on camera. While it had been our hope to be married in 2014, we hadn’t set any plans in stone prior to the engagement as we understood that sometimes things don’t happen when you want them to. Alas, between the two of us and our experience in planning events, exactly three months from the date of our engagement we married. I’ll share more about the rush in another post, but for now just revel in the fact we put together a wedding in such a short period of time!

For the first time in two and a half years, a semester began this January that I was not considered a full-time student. In addition to putting together a wedding in three months, the Fall semester of 2014 I managed another perfect semester wrapping up all but one class to earn my associates degree in early childhood care and education. My final class, practicum, will be completed this summer.

Such a relief to have free time and cognitive function, I found that only working as a nanny was a bit boring. Picking up a part-time job only made sense, especially when Bruno started taking classes. (Haha, yes… The first semester of our relationship I am not in classes, he starts.) With no problem I found a flexible position to teach some classes at a children’s gym while Bruno studies.

For two years now I’ve dealt with having Celiac disease and therefore have been pushed to lead a healthier life. While it could have been a challenge for me to face alone, Bruno has stood by and supported me by following a gluten-free diet as well. This is most advantageous for me because I do not have to cook any meals that contain something I’m seriously allergic to. Constantly discovering new recipes is a joy. I love that I have my own kitchen to cook any combination the comes to me. I rarely make the same meal twice because I never follow a recipe completely. Throwing in my own twist is a necessity. It is for this reason that I probably am so terrible at baking!

The life I have walked for the last few years has in no way been an easy one. There have been personal, professional, emotional, and spiritual challenges. Through it all I have pushed on and persevered. I know that I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for those closest to me, my family and friends (those near and far).

Oh life…

Dissolve into the New

Recently I’ve been debating about getting back into writing. One of the cons is the fact that I have very little time. However, one of the pros of writing is the fact that I love it tremendously and am capable of truly sorting out my thoughts through it. So after a few days of removing myself from social media sites (i.e. Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest) and focusing on my classwork as well as revamping “Individual Odyssey”, here I am!

Blue!

For the first time since launching, the site has a new look! I believe it is a better fit than the previously dark theme that was in place. While the dark theme was a perfect outward example for the experiences in my life when the site was originally launched, a lot has changed. The differences in myself between the time of launching this site and now are as obvious as a caterpillar who has gone through metamorphosis and is now a butterfly, or so I like to think. Hopefully over time my posts will reveal a different writer to those of you who have followed my journey thus far. As things have changed, I felt as though the website should change as well.

I cannot, and will not, promise regular postings. As always though, I will do my best to be open and share my thoughts on different topics.

It’s amusing that so many people go through their lives believing that they are the only ones who have to deal with any number of things. All too often have I overheard conversations where people are explaining to their friends about an issue they are facing, when I remember dealing with a very similar issue whether years ago or recently. It would be so refreshing to be able to reach out to those people and they accept what others outside of their current friends has to say. Maybe I’m crazy for thinking that this could ever happen in our society, but a person is allowed to dream!
So while I may not feel as though those who are talking about issues in their life are willing to listen to a total stranger, I shall write my take on issues here.
Entirely accessible to the general public.
For the taking or the leaving of whomever shall pass by.

Words Tangled in Blue

Sometimes the situations you find yourself in are the type you never imagined would be part of your life. Sometimes you find yourself being overwhelmed emotionally and you have no idea what to do because you are in such a new situation. Sometimes you are unable to fully process the feelings and emotions because you do not have the opportunity to as the result of a chaotic life.

It doesn’t feel like we are only two days away from Christmas. I’ve now been on holiday for the last five days. It’s at this point in time I believed I would have been able to process what has occurred in my life the last few months. I believed I would have fallen ill and been confined to a bed for at least 36 hours as my body attempted to catch up on the rest I had been neglecting it. I believed I would settle into myself.
I am calm, but far from being collected. There are dashes of moments which flit by in which I feel completely settled, the rest of the time I’m a whirl. On the outside things are fine. When it comes down to it – I’m still a great actress. This has happened the last two Christmases and I am at the point where I wonder when a Christmas will pass without all of these overwhelming emotions. Part of me can blame the time of the year and the season for the overwhelm. Another finds it possible to blame the experiences of past Christmases and the lack of my facing them. Another recognizes that there are things I need to face and recognize this year, otherwise they will result like years past – built up and overwhelming over the next few years. But how does one face the unknowns? The past? The concerns? Why is there always something? If not here and now in the present, it lurks from the past…

Oh the joys this season brings me.

It’s Been Awhile…

Relationships. They come in all sorts and sizes. The main similarity in all relationships is that in order to continue it, you have to be willing to work on it. You have to be willing to make time for it. You have to be willing to talk about the things you don’t want to. You have to be willing to accept the other persons words. You have to be willing.
One of my biggest concerns in all of my relationships has been that if I tell the person the issues, worries or concerns I have with them or the relationship that they will walk away from me. If there’s trouble, I’m afraid to approach it for fear they will confirm the trouble and then walk away.
Lately though I’ve found that not everyone walks away.
Some people actually hear what I say, take it to heart and want to work through things with me. Some people want to hear everything, even how much they have hurt me. Some people understand how hard it is for me to say things, and love me through it. Some people recognize how things in their life can impact my life. Some people are able to understand.
Since school began in August my relationships have definitely become strained. Friends I once saw on a weekly basis are now seeing me maybe once a month. My family doesn’t see or hear from me. The boyfriend and I are lucky if we have a meal together once a week. It’s become a challenge.
No relationship is easy. They all require work. The relationships that you do work on, push through and show understanding and compassion are the ones which are most fruitful. You will find that if both people in a relationship wish to do whatever they possibly can to improve their relationship (friend, family or love), the reward is so much greater than you could have imagined.

Clothed in Ivory

I’ve mentioned it a few times but never have I completely explained the story…

Last January, fresh off of becoming engaged to a guy in PA, I returned to California for the Spring semester at school. Every day I woke up asking for a sign as to what I should do – stay in Cali or move back to PA. Every day I searched and begged for a clear sign from God. Just one sign, that’s all I needed. The second to last Saturday in January I had decided that it was time to go to Sacramento and try on dresses. Just for fun. Because that’s what an engaged girl does!
When I walked into the store with three of my friends, I didn’t have an appointment. Because of a little bit of patience and others canceling, I managed to attain one 10 minutes later just as we were ready to walk out the door. As I found myself describing what I had envisioned for my dress I realized how real the engagement was. There was one dress which I had particularly noticed in my searches online. Sadly the store was not carrying it that day but the assistant said she would find a few others which were similar. Back in the fitting room she helped me get into one which was elegant, but I didn’t have that feeling. The second one she brought made me look 12 (because that’s easy enough to do already). The third went on and immediately I began to smile. The smile that slides across your face when you know something is right. Never one to believe something could be that easy, I tried on 9 more dresses (so a total of 12) before returning to that third one. The one which when I put it on for a second time felt even more right than the first. The smile was broader, the feeling was more right, the material was more soft, the fit more perfect. It was more in all ways good.
It was then that I was told someone in the store was purchasing the dress for me. The most beautiful dress was being given to me as a gift. The dress which was beyond my price range, someone wishing to remain anonymous was purchasing for me. The dress which symbolizes innocence and purity, was found. My sign which I had been asking for was being handed to me.
So I stayed. Grew and moved beyond the things which were holding me back. Eventually ended the engagement and stretched into the me of today. All because of that beautiful ivory gown.
The dress was a gift, and is a gift. It still hangs in my parents’ house. I refused to look at it for the longest of times. Just the other week I took my first peek at it and it is more gorgeous than I remembered. I have finally reached the point where when I think about or see the gown, I smile. Previously I believed it was too good for the occasion which it was to be worn. But I realized it was only because the guy wasn’t the right one. The dress will be worn, as a reminder of how good God is as well as symbolizing the innocence and purity it is meant to.
This time around, I’m determined to do things right.