Not Over vs. Impacted

It’s crossed my mind multiple times lately how over my ex I truly am. I suppose that my continual looking back doesn’t make it seem that way though.
Here’s the thing – I really am over him. The hurt, pain, trials, heartache… There’s no reason to not be over the relationship. However, I have been impacted by it. Perhaps that’s why some people come up with the conclusion that even after a year I’m still holding on.
The other week I was on the phone with my best friend discussing the relationship and I mentioned how someone had just questioned whether or not I was over it. She was astonished that anyone would ever consider even asking me that.
I will not claim that this past year has not been a maze. I will not claim that I was not an emotional wreck the first few months. I will not claim that I never think of him. I will not claim that I never miss being with someone.
What I can claim however is that no part of me wants to be in a relationship like the one I was in. No part of me wishes to have my ex in my life at this time. No part of me is able to recall being in that relationship without also recalling the hurt.
I learned a lot from the relationship – so I will often pull on those lessons in my daily life. In no way does that say I’m not over the relationship. Rather, proves that I have come so far that I am now able to recognize the bad from the good.
Preparing for this month I was a bit lethargic, sentimental, and overall reminiscent. With what I believe is good reason though. I don’t find it possible to hit your one year anniversary of ending an engagement as well as what would have been two years of being in that relationship without thinking back and recognizing what all has happened in those years. To date, two years ago I was arriving in England – the land I consider home. One year ago I was in PA working and celebrating a good friends’ 21st birthday. So what? I remember a lot of things and when exactly they happen. Doesn’t mean that I’m stuck in the past and unable to look toward the future chasing after the goals which I have in my life.
Everyone’s past experiences impact how they live.

Trust, Like an Artichoke

I feel bad for those who have come into my life in the last year. Why? Because my expectations dropped substantially after realizing that someone I expected to share everything with me was still hiding things. I no longer expected those with whom I even had a surface level relationship to desire or deserve my trust.
My trust in others, and expected trust from others, has become similar to an artichoke. The top layer is easy, simple, constantly exposed – but to get to the under layers you have to work at it and it takes lots of time.
Typically, the most inner layers are only available to one’s spouse. These are the layers we all long for, crave, desire. To honestly be loved and trusted no matter what.
Recently someone in my life exposed more than just their top layer shortly after getting to know me. Shock was my initial reaction. Shock continues to be my main reaction. It has taken me months to peel back the top layer and begin to expose myself. The process is slow, painful at times, but it is entirely necessary. My heart is learning that it can trust again – not everyone is out there to use and abuse. We all need that person who can stand in front of you and prove to you that it is possible.
Anything is possible.

The One About Friendships

One of the things I miss the most since moving back to PA is having my best friends right next to me. California spoiled me. I moved into a house with 4 strangers who eventually became really close friends, all in different ways.   Sure, I have a few friends here in PA, but for the most part they are all at different places in their lives than I am. That makes it difficult to really become close with any of them. My concern, especially, is that I am a bother or disrupt their lives. So I wind up remaining silent and not reaching out.  One of my closest friends pointed out to me the other night that real friends call in the middle of the night when they need someone to talk to, they text and make it known they aren’t doing well, they somehow or another reach out to those they consider friends whenever it’s necessary.
I always make it known that I’m available to my friends day or night, so why is it so impossible for me to expect and allow the same from those who care about me?
Another thing is letting go of those who don’t find me important. We all have a few of those in our life – the person who we are always interested in knowing how they are doing, staying connected with them – but it seems to be a one-way friendship. They never initiate a conversation, rarely response, aren’t interested in how your life is going, can’t find time for you, etc. That is the type of friend I’m not interested in anymore. If you can’t see the value of my friendship, then you don’t deserve it.

All of this leads me to wonder… What happened the last couple of years? Have I become the type of person that most people don’t wish to be friends with? Where did my friends go?

Know Return

It’s true. I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to be doing in a couple of months, let alone where I will be. England, Texas, PA – all options as far as I’m concerned. Each location offers a different life. In one I take on more than I will probably be able to handle and attempt working two jobs as well as go to school full-time. Another presents pure unknown. The final option presents itself with a few good job opportunities and possibly school next year.

I’m at the point though where I feel like I’ve wasted enough of my life. I finally have figured out what I want to do with my future and I don’t want to wait any longer than I must. At the same time though, when I moved to California almost 2 years ago I never planned on returning to PA – I have quite the dislike for the state which I have spent the majority of my life in. (Oh the things we do for “love”)
There’s a certain level of knowing and recognizing where I am in life the last couple of months. Which is great. Except knowing where you are doesn’t help much with knowing where you want to go. Oh decisions – so difficult to make. Usually I’m really good at the decisions which are the most important too. I can say that this decision would be a lot easier if I wasn’t mature or responsible.

Addiction

It hit me the other night as I was driving to a friends house. When I realized it, it took all of me to stay focused on the fact I was driving. Why had I never realized it before?   I had become addicted to my ex while we were in a relationship.  Looking back I’m able to see that because of how things were formed and how I clung to him and the thought of being in the relationship, that when it ended there was a mess.
When you quit something you’ve become dependent on, it takes time, there’s usually a bit of backsliding, and it’s difficult to let go. Which is exactly what had happened to me last year.
I know it may seem a little ridiculous for me to even be thinking of these things yet, but this is who I am. I look back on things and somehow always find new lessons. It’s not that I look back because I’m depressed, so please don’t think that.
Last summer after we ended our engagement, I had an unbelievable pull to stay connected with him. I gave in at times and allowed myself to once again be caught up in a fantasy. For months he truly was an obsession. Only after I truly broke all the ties with him did I no longer have the desire, need or even craving to look in on his life.   There’s a difference between being addicted to someone and being in a relationship with them.  When it came to the two of us, our relationship was one based out of a forced codependance. Somehow this realization of how deeply I was fixated with him took almost a year. I needed it though.
When you are young, caught up, and manipulated it’s easy to become addicted.

There Goes A Fighter

Sitting in Austin, Texas I can’t help but realize how unprepared I am for my brothers upcoming nuptials. Tomorrow the second of us three children will no longer be single. It boggles my mind to even comprehend the fact he’s in a relationship, let alone engaged – let alone getting married — TOMORROW!  Throughout all of this I am attempting my best to keep a happy face, not let the little things bother me, and most of all not allow the overwhelming amount of time spent with family be an issue.
The song “The Fighter” by Gym Class Heroes plays on repeat in my mind.  Not only am I down in the south with a major change about to occur in my family, but I’m also looking at my personal life and where I want my life to go.  I’m aware of the fact that I have multiple routes which I can follow with my life currently. I’m aware of the fact that I have no control of what really happens. I’m aware of the fact that I can derail my life and make things take longer than they need. What I’m unaware of is which path to take. Which of these seemingly perfect routes should I start heading down? The largest question of my life currently. Love it. I don’t want to be the person who is standing still in the midst of a moving world. That’s not where I’m at in my life. There’s something out there, I just need direction.

Leaving the Past, in the Past

It is said that it takes half the amount of time spent in a relationship to get over it. While this would be a wonderful way to tell how much time is left in the process, it’s entirely inaccurate.
The amount of time it takes to move past a failed relationship is dependent upon how involved you were in it. On all levels – physical, emotional, spiritual.   I’m the type of person who when I am with someone, especially when it’s serious, I’m wholly committed. I never expect it to end. Therefore, for me to leave the past in the past it takes a bit.
When the memories appear the biggest trick is to allow the feeling to be felt for the moment necessary – but then move on. I was reminded of this today. Not only was there an event which crossed my path with which memories flooded my mind, but then someone told me that if I’ve truly moved on, I must move on from everything. Take the memories, let them in and then let them go.
Like a crashing wave upon the shore.
Allow the old to wash away, and the fresh to stay.