If you know me in person you know that my life has been the messiest and craziest it’s ever been.
Every day has become a roller coaster of emotions due to divorce and custody proceedings, fears and attempting to calm a tumultuous sea.
My heart is so overwhelmed. My mind has had challenges or questions I hadn’t anticipated. My soul is hurt.
A high level of uncertainty is impacting every aspect of my life.
I don’t even know how often in a few months I will have my child in my custody. I finally have the baby boy I loved, cried for, and dreamed of for years and he might not be with me every day… it’s heartbreaking to think about.
The choices my (ex) husband made years ago broke my world to pieces a year and a half ago and have created aftershocks in my current life.
All I want is to be happy, safe, and have my happy little family with just some level of certainty.
Seasons come and go. Literally and figuratively. Things are always changing. Each day is different from every other. Even when it feels like you live the same life every damn day.
You are the only constant.
Every new thing that enters your life can easily be viewed as an uncertainty. How you relate to that uncertainty has a lot to do with personality type.
When faced with new situations, some will be entirely thrilled and they’ll thrive because it’s how they are hardwired. Others, will slink back into the shadows and wait until they know it is safe and what to expect.
There’s no right or wrong way to handle things. I’ve had that exemplified in my life to an extreme degree recently. The challenges I’m currently facing in my life are those that many others have had to walk through, but the way I handle myself as I navigate this world is completely the way I will choose to – not how anyone else has or will.
The other day I was walking down a ramp and legitimately slid and gracefully fell. As a result, I have a scab on my foot. This wasn’t the first time this year I fell either. In March I fell hard directly on my knee and elbow. Definitely not nearly as graceful of a fall and much more impactful – I still have a scar.
Both falls left me with pain, challenges, and restrictions. I can’t have that in my life though. I need to be able to use every part of my body fully. I need to be a whole and healthy person who walks freely.
So what does one do?
You fight against it. You work through it. You do what you need to do to give yourself the best possible outcome you can. You push yourself farther than you’ve ever pushed before. You stand up and recognize what you need to do to get where you want to be, and you make a decision.
Life is a rollercoaster.
We all feel it. We all think it. We all say it. But that’s about as far as we let others into our lives sometimes. I’ve always prided myself on being open and honest about what I’m going through, but the last year has proven to be too challenging to open up with publicly.
In the last few months I have had some of the highest moments of my life so far, as well as some of the lowest. From seeing my child squeal with delight when I come into view to finding myself crying on the dashboard wondering what the hell happened.
Y’all. We never know what a day will hold until it’s done.
Yesterday’s affirmation was so appropriately timed I didn’t even know it until the day was over.
//My experiences make me stronger, wiser, and more prepared.//
They really do.
Especially when everything and nothing has changed.
My love for children is more than I can comprehend at times. Those who have been a part of my life and I consider friends are near and dear to me. These two facts have made this a difficult morning.
A beautiful young woman I once had the pleasure of working with and her husband announced a couple of months ago they were pregnant with their first child. The excitement I felt for them was the same as when I heard my own brother and his wife were pregnant. New life is something to be celebrated. Even with them states away, Facebook and weekly updates helped all of those who cared feel a part of this treasured time. The other day things weren’t as they should be and she was admitted to the hospital. Many began praying and supporting this incredible woman and her baby boy. This morning when I opened Facebook on my phone I saw her latest status which ran down the facts. Their son was still-born at 26 weeks gestation. She also posted a picture of her holding the little one. My heart hurts for her and her husband. The things they’ve been through already and what they’re still to face in this situation are more than I can bear to think about.
The only thing which keeps me from breaking down is knowing that God is there with her, He was with the baby and He always has a plan. The things which this couple never experienced with this child, they will experience with others.
We all have our own stories of our lives… Every one of us goes through our own tough times… But those trials and tribulations are used later in life for good.
Those of you out there with children, never forget how precious of a gift you’ve been given.