If you know me in person you know that my life has been the messiest and craziest it’s ever been.
Every day has become a roller coaster of emotions due to divorce and custody proceedings, fears and attempting to calm a tumultuous sea.
My heart is so overwhelmed. My mind has had challenges or questions I hadn’t anticipated. My soul is hurt.
A high level of uncertainty is impacting every aspect of my life.
I don’t even know how often in a few months I will have my child in my custody. I finally have the baby boy I loved, cried for, and dreamed of for years and he might not be with me every day… it’s heartbreaking to think about.
The choices my (ex) husband made years ago broke my world to pieces a year and a half ago and have created aftershocks in my current life.
All I want is to be happy, safe, and have my happy little family with just some level of certainty.
One of the biggest issues of my past relationships was trust. It was difficult to continue trusting people when they didn’t give you reason to trust, but rather reason to question. Little things always mean a lot to me, this isn’t surprising if you know me for a while. The other day I found myself in a situation where someone who barely knows me handed me something personal of theirs and left me with it. I could have done anything, but I didn’t. The moment they walked away I realized this person trusts me – even though we’re only in the beginning stages of friendship. It took me off guard, but I was thrilled. People, even those just now meeting me trust me. I’m not afraid of people trusting me, in fact I love it. One of the qualities I think I carry well is trustworthiness.
When I was younger I used to lie about everything and anything, even when there wasn’t reason. When my mom looked at me one day and said “Your father and I have lost all trust in you.” it really hit. My heart instantly hurt. I realized that in lying to others, even about the smallest stupidest things I was hurting my relationships. Since then, I’m not a liar. I love it when people recognize that they can trust me, even with small things.
So! *heart* to those of you out there who trust me! Thank you for reminding me how valuable, treasured and respected I am.