Disappear

My two weeks of being out of the state have begun. I had a lot leading up to it – thus, the silence. On Wednesday I had some plans fall through so I had an hour or so to play with in case anyone wanted to hang out before I left. He did. At least, all he said he wanted was a hug before I left because he doesn’t get to marry me, the least I could do was give him a hug (his words). We planned for him to come and meet me at my work around 5. Well, Wednesday just so happened to be the craziest day I’ve had at work in a very long time – one which included meeting with the President on a project I’m not sure whether or not I want to accept. 5 o’clock arrived and I was still meeting with a few co-workers in my office post President meeting and I saw him come up the stairs. What started out as a very gentle, sweet conversation rapidly changed to the issues we are causing for one another currently in our lives. I approached him about calling my best in Cali and talking to her at a very late hour on Saturday night/Sunday morning and how she’s my friend, my confidant, she’s a female and he shouldn’t call her at that hour, he needs males around him which he can talk to – he came back with how he wanted to talk about me and that he can’t do that with his guy friends…. Oh, so many issues. Anyway. I received two phone calls and a text from my co-worker in the next office wondering if everything was okay because we were raising our voices. Hey – it was past 5, the offices should be empty, also, I didn’t care. I gave him an ultimatum. I’ve had enough of me asking for no communication and not being respected or honored and him breaking it. Sick. of. it. I told him that if he contacts me in any form while I am out of the state this week, it’s over – I will never again talk to him. If someone who claims I’m the love of their life can’t back off for a week, whether they agree or not, and do what I ask them to, then that proves to me that I will never be respected the way I deserve to be by that person. It sucks, I hate that I had to do it, but I did – and I keep my word. I made it only until the event I’m at for this week ends and I message him. So, technically, I could find myself done with the event and messaging him on the same day at the same time he and I were to be exchanging our marriage vows.

Aside from all of this lovely that I have been handling, life has been a stressful mess. Still no home – out of the state another 2 weeks exactly – decisions on jobs need to be made – a wedding needs to be forgotten…

The event I’m at is a conference which focuses on how you as a living being is doing, the things which are part of your life which shouldn’t be, removing them, taking care of your heart, soul and mind essentially. It’s been interesting. Today was the first day and I’m finding things I didn’t expect to find, or even necessarily want to find. The main male speaker used to be a physicist (which, FYI – is what ex-fiance is going to school for, so all things Physics lead directly to thought of him) so he brings up science and physics a lot. Every decision we make today affects not only our immediate futures, but such an extent of our futures that it affects future generations – so how we handle situations is important. God wants us to come clean, admit all of our faults and turn away from them/change our ways of living. There are countless treasures waiting for us, so never settle for yesterdays gift today, ask for more and put yourself out there. Every lie – EVERY lie is a sin.
Today was foundation day – the rest of the week will focus more on rearranging the pieces which make up each person and removing the pieces which are unhealthy. Should be good.

I drove from the office yesterday right to the house which I’m staying this week – and when I left the office I started to cry. Pretty sure it’s because of the significance which these weeks hold and it was finally hitting me. My glasses got lost on the drive (don’t ask how) so I pulled off the highway to find them the exit was for London, but at the end of the ramp one could also turn to go to Mechanicsburg (a town in PA in which I currently work). Not sure if I’ve ever mentioned it, but my heart is in England. A year and a half ago (pre-relationship) all I was thinking of was England, and how Cali was to be my springboard to living in England. My plans shifted just slightly, as I find myself back in PA. The place which I have lived the majority of my life, but I’ve never truly thought of it as home, let alone a place I’d like to spend my life. So the combination of the lost glasses and the towns was enough to hit me hard.

Only time.