Temporary

Not even going to lie, in the midst of the chaos my life handed me the last couple of weeks, I missed a few things occurring in my friends’ lives. Finding a few minutes for Facebook (the major social networking site used by too many) the other day I was greeted with engagements, pregnancy and birth announcements, as well as a head tilt. Why was there a head tilt? Because I noticed my list of friends was not the same as before. While others may wish to remove themselves from my life all I can say is, that’s fine with me. I have never lied about my emotions or feelings. If you are or were at one time lucky enough to have been considered a confidant in my life than I would hope that you would recognize that even though life sucks sometimes and I don’t know what I want half of the time, I still care.

My heart jumped into my throat, my skin was covered with goosebumps, confusion rattled around my mind… Now, a few days later I’ve moved on. When someone makes it obvious they no longer want me in their life, it helps me remove them from mine. I don’t struggle with worry over whether or not they will understand. I don’t wonder if they will hate me. I don’t fear the next time I see them.

Like so many times before a person entered my life and served their purpose, helped me, understood me through confusion, supported my hopes… And then when it was time, they moved on. Sometimes the process is long, ugly and undesirable and other times it’s swift, without pain and obvious.

Everyone has their walls, issues, struggles, challenges and when help is necessary someone enters your life just to support you. As much as you want to hold on to those people, keep them in your life and continually rely on their support – you can’t.

Follow Your Inner Moonlight…

Don’t mind my random ramblings…

Things are going well, in the full scheme of things. Yes, there are challenges – but that is how life goes. Tonight I am stuck. I have quite a few things to do for school, as well as personally, but it seems as though my mind is on vacation. At the least, it is preoccupied with trying not to dwell on the facts. The facts? The facts are things that are and cannot be altered. There are those which are good. And then there are those which are not. There are the facts which push you to grow. And then there are the facts which seem to stunt you where you are. Any and every part of life has its facts. With school, work, home, relationships, personal and other – everything can be broken down into one of these categories.

Finding the time to sit down and do my school work is challenging. Being motivated to write essays on topics I do not even begin to have any sort of passion for is practically impossible. Putting a project together on a country which I have already visited and didn’t necessarily enjoy is low on the list of interesting things to do. I know what I want to do, but I do not know how to get to that point. Without a doubt, I want to work with children in orphanages. Show them some sort of love and kindness – prove to them that there are people out in the world who truly do care and they are not alone. My heart twists every time I see parents who yell at their children calling them names or demeaning them in any sense. Sadly, I feel like I see that every day.

I’ve always been a great actress, and I feel as though that should be a requirement for my job. So many days I walk in and do not want to smile, talk, or be peppy and warm. All the things which are required to be a great employee in a major retail store. Work isn’t a place to bring your personal life in to, so I leave it at the door. I try to at least. Every once in a while when I’m not helping a customer I find myself feeling entirely overwhelmed and struggling to maintain my composure. I do though, every time. Because I am capable of handling anything that is thrown my way.

My baby puppy, Ava, will be turning two years old soon. It is easy to see she has not had the attention she deserves. It is difficult to give her the attention when I barely have any time when I’m at the house with her. I have found that losing two hours a day driving to and from the house has been detrimental to my ability to raise her properly, and also to accomplish essentially anything when I am at the house. It is “the house” and not “home” because it isn’t my home. I don’t have a home. I don’t have a place where I truly feel comfortable enough to relax, cook dinner, have “me” time. Since moving out of my apartment in Mechanicsburg in August 2010, I haven’t ever felt home. I’m not a person who can survive without a home – I need it. I require it. Otherwise there’s a lot of unrest.

On the outside everything looks great. Everything looks perfect at times. It isn’t until you get into the meat of things do you realize how many things are not even close to perfection. There’s a constant striving – striving to be the best daughter, friend, confidant, equal that anyone ever could be. I’m afraid to disappoint anyone. Every move I make I wonder who it will affect and how. Through this I’ve put myself through more stress than I ever should. This stress has truly taken its toll on me the last couple of months. Since the beginning of the year I have dropped a couple of pounds because I lost my appetite, and when I would force myself to eat I would get sick after only a couple of bites. On my tiny frame, a couple of pounds is impossible to miss. Especially when it’s closer to ten. Attempting to resolve and push my body back into something more normal is no fun, but it’s where I’m at.

It’s times like these that make it so apparent as to how desperately I need to dance, write or paint. Express myself in one form or another. After 25 years I still prefer to dance even though my body revolts as soon as I stop moving. It’s always been, and maybe always will be, the truest form of freedom I know.

And yes, I still say that things are going well in the midst of this. I have some challenges to overcome, some issues to accept, recognize and ultimately grow from and a lot of fear to deal with.
In some sense or another though that is all of us.

“Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness.” – Allen Ginsberg

Who Said?

Who said…
… Life was easy?
… There wasn’t more to understand?
… Getting over someone should take half the time of the relationship?
… School is easier than a job?
… 24 hours is enough in a day?
… You aren’t allowed to drink too much every once in a while?
… Screaming is not okay?
… Getting lost is not an adventure?
… Your age catches up to you?
… It isn’t okay to divulge your sweet tooth with double dark chocolate gelato?
… Dreams mean nothing?
… Memories that make you smile should disappear just because of who you were with?
… Crying is silly?
… It’s bad to be jealous?
… You should be content with what you have and never desire more?
… Your heart can only break once?
… There is no reason to fight for what you want?
… You can’t make a difference?
… Your life means nothing?
… You aren’t important?

Words Tangled in Blue

Sometimes the situations you find yourself in are the type you never imagined would be part of your life. Sometimes you find yourself being overwhelmed emotionally and you have no idea what to do because you are in such a new situation. Sometimes you are unable to fully process the feelings and emotions because you do not have the opportunity to as the result of a chaotic life.

It doesn’t feel like we are only two days away from Christmas. I’ve now been on holiday for the last five days. It’s at this point in time I believed I would have been able to process what has occurred in my life the last few months. I believed I would have fallen ill and been confined to a bed for at least 36 hours as my body attempted to catch up on the rest I had been neglecting it. I believed I would settle into myself.
I am calm, but far from being collected. There are dashes of moments which flit by in which I feel completely settled, the rest of the time I’m a whirl. On the outside things are fine. When it comes down to it – I’m still a great actress. This has happened the last two Christmases and I am at the point where I wonder when a Christmas will pass without all of these overwhelming emotions. Part of me can blame the time of the year and the season for the overwhelm. Another finds it possible to blame the experiences of past Christmases and the lack of my facing them. Another recognizes that there are things I need to face and recognize this year, otherwise they will result like years past – built up and overwhelming over the next few years. But how does one face the unknowns? The past? The concerns? Why is there always something? If not here and now in the present, it lurks from the past…

Oh the joys this season brings me.

Vacation?

You know that life is a bit too much when you are unable to properly recognize your own emotions.

Probably the one thing I am not looking forward to my vacation next month is I will finally have more than 4 conscious hours to really recognize my own thoughts and emotions. For the last 3 months I have been constantly going. My body hasn’t had a chance to relax. My mind hasn’t had a chance to compute. My emotions haven’t had a chance to understand what is what.

My extremely necessary vacation will come perfectly timed. I have been waiting for it since I began to imagine the possibility of it even occurring. Now that it is less than a month away though I’m wondering if it will be good or bad. As overwhelming as my life has been I may come crashing down and fall ill within the first 24 hours of what is to be my first legitimate vacation in years. I’m beginning to wonder how I will handle my vacation – not my daily life. Working anywhere from 25 – 40 hours a week, taking 12 credits, plus any other stresses which walk into my life – is a bit to handle. However, I think I have finally figured it out. For the most part. But when it comes to recognizing what is happening in my life, what emotions I am experiencing or how I am truly doing – these are the things I am afraid to face. 3+ months of build up will be a bit to work through, so yes – I believe I have a legitimate reason to worry. I know I’m going through a lot when I don’t even have time to write anymore. My frequency of writing has drastically decreased since summer. Obviously.

Since the summer a lot has happened. I find myself overwhelmed, unsure, insecure and wondering if I’m doing what is truly right for me. I do believe this has something to do with my lack of writing… We shall see. Until I have time to write more often, I will continue to daydream of the days I had a studio at my disposal or an abundance of canvas to paint my thoughts on.

It’s at this point that I begin to play, on repeat, the chorus of Switchfoot’s “This is Your Life”.

It’s Been Awhile…

Relationships. They come in all sorts and sizes. The main similarity in all relationships is that in order to continue it, you have to be willing to work on it. You have to be willing to make time for it. You have to be willing to talk about the things you don’t want to. You have to be willing to accept the other persons words. You have to be willing.
One of my biggest concerns in all of my relationships has been that if I tell the person the issues, worries or concerns I have with them or the relationship that they will walk away from me. If there’s trouble, I’m afraid to approach it for fear they will confirm the trouble and then walk away.
Lately though I’ve found that not everyone walks away.
Some people actually hear what I say, take it to heart and want to work through things with me. Some people want to hear everything, even how much they have hurt me. Some people understand how hard it is for me to say things, and love me through it. Some people recognize how things in their life can impact my life. Some people are able to understand.
Since school began in August my relationships have definitely become strained. Friends I once saw on a weekly basis are now seeing me maybe once a month. My family doesn’t see or hear from me. The boyfriend and I are lucky if we have a meal together once a week. It’s become a challenge.
No relationship is easy. They all require work. The relationships that you do work on, push through and show understanding and compassion are the ones which are most fruitful. You will find that if both people in a relationship wish to do whatever they possibly can to improve their relationship (friend, family or love), the reward is so much greater than you could have imagined.

Clothed in Ivory

I’ve mentioned it a few times but never have I completely explained the story…

Last January, fresh off of becoming engaged to a guy in PA, I returned to California for the Spring semester at school. Every day I woke up asking for a sign as to what I should do – stay in Cali or move back to PA. Every day I searched and begged for a clear sign from God. Just one sign, that’s all I needed. The second to last Saturday in January I had decided that it was time to go to Sacramento and try on dresses. Just for fun. Because that’s what an engaged girl does!
When I walked into the store with three of my friends, I didn’t have an appointment. Because of a little bit of patience and others canceling, I managed to attain one 10 minutes later just as we were ready to walk out the door. As I found myself describing what I had envisioned for my dress I realized how real the engagement was. There was one dress which I had particularly noticed in my searches online. Sadly the store was not carrying it that day but the assistant said she would find a few others which were similar. Back in the fitting room she helped me get into one which was elegant, but I didn’t have that feeling. The second one she brought made me look 12 (because that’s easy enough to do already). The third went on and immediately I began to smile. The smile that slides across your face when you know something is right. Never one to believe something could be that easy, I tried on 9 more dresses (so a total of 12) before returning to that third one. The one which when I put it on for a second time felt even more right than the first. The smile was broader, the feeling was more right, the material was more soft, the fit more perfect. It was more in all ways good.
It was then that I was told someone in the store was purchasing the dress for me. The most beautiful dress was being given to me as a gift. The dress which was beyond my price range, someone wishing to remain anonymous was purchasing for me. The dress which symbolizes innocence and purity, was found. My sign which I had been asking for was being handed to me.
So I stayed. Grew and moved beyond the things which were holding me back. Eventually ended the engagement and stretched into the me of today. All because of that beautiful ivory gown.
The dress was a gift, and is a gift. It still hangs in my parents’ house. I refused to look at it for the longest of times. Just the other week I took my first peek at it and it is more gorgeous than I remembered. I have finally reached the point where when I think about or see the gown, I smile. Previously I believed it was too good for the occasion which it was to be worn. But I realized it was only because the guy wasn’t the right one. The dress will be worn, as a reminder of how good God is as well as symbolizing the innocence and purity it is meant to.
This time around, I’m determined to do things right.