Responsibility of One

“No matter who you are, where you’re from or what you’re going through, God has the best gifts just waiting for you.”

I said this the other day and it’s still stuck with me. The things we go through on a daily basis, the challenges we face, the hardship, the heartbreak – all of these things don’t matter. We have these things put in front of us because we can come out on top – learning from every little bit. When we find ourselves going through similar occurrences multiple times, one can only wonder – why didn’t we learn all of the lessons the first time around? I don’t believe any person experiences something they cannot handle. Thus, me in my current situation – it freaking sucks. More than I could have thought. I’m still going back through things that we did together, the moments, the looks, the touches, the experiences – all of it. Just today I found myself telling a couple of stories and they all contained him. Never before had I allowed someone in so far into my life – even the other guys I was with, the ones who promised the world on a silver platter, they never got so in to me as he has.

This week, I am focusing on me. This event is breaking things off of me which I thought weren’t really an issue, or weren’t even there. Essentially it’s peeling me as you would an onion. We all walk around with things hanging off of us – whether it’s jealousy, bitterness, anger or unforgiveness. These things alone can wreak havoc on our lives. If we allow them to continue uncontrolled they will develop further and snowball into issues branching out into multiple areas of our lives. To go in and remove the root of an issue you remove all possible effects from it – and you make a choice to never allow it to take control of your life ever again. One must walk away from the things which hold them down and replace them with the positives in life. As much as I am attempting to make this a blog which any person can read in any walk of life, I can’t help but go into the facts of my beliefs. I believe that God has the best in mind for us all. He gave us free will though, and through that free will we experience the consequences of our actions. In every choice we make He will always love us.

Fear is a huge part of our lives – one when there is no longer fear will one’s mind be at peace. Not going to lie – I have had a lot of fears in my life. Not being good enough, not doing things correctly, not being the person others want me to be, not having enough time in a day, not knowing enough, not having enough money, never being a wife/mom… The list just goes on and on. My inability to be calm and find peace make sense when you view these fears and the effects they have. One of the things which I hope to have removed from my life come the end of the week.

When most of us find ourselves in relationships we can’t help but become dependent upon the other – we’ve had to stand on our own for so long, isn’t it time for someone else to come along and help hold us up? Well, yes and no. Yes in the sense that we can share our lives with someone else and give them part of ourselves in return for part of them. No in the sense that no matter what – you are responsible for you. You are responsible for what you allow into your life. You are responsible for the way you react to things. You are responsible for managing the temptations which cross your path. You are responsible for how you act. You are responsible for you.
There is nothing in this world which ever says that you can push off your issues or who you are onto another human and be in the right for doing so. When a person does that – all I can think is “How immature are you?!”

With how wonderful this week is, my thinking is still stuck…
“Here we go again – lots of learning, discovering and applying for Danielle. But where is the future Mr.? 9 months in Redding does a lot for a person – this week-long event does a lot for a person. Why am I making these steps without future Mr. by my side? Or am I and I don’t realize it? Is he being trained in the same things as I am just not that I know of?”    I fear being more equipped than him because that’s not how a marriage is created to work. I don’t worry about pulling him into certain things – but there absolutely must be a foundation of like-mindedness and spiritual understanding. I’m not claiming the ex isn’t on his own journey of understanding, heck, we’ve barely spoke for over a month but even prior to that we weren’t on the same page. I hated it. I still do. I’m now recognizing that spiritually I’m uncompromising. I don’t feel as though this is wrong, or incorrect, rather I feel this is how it’s meant to be.

4 days away from what was to be the biggest day of my life – the day my life would forever be changed for the better… My requirements/thoughts/needs/whatever you want to call them have shifted so far that (and this kills me to type… I’m glad no one sees me while I write things like this… I’m a blubbering mess) the man I was to marry isn’t like the man I want to marry.
Only God knows who it is I’ll stand side by side with for the rest of my days. All I can do is hope, dream and pray.

Am I wrong? Am I crazy? Should I get over myself? Should I accept things as they are and not ask for more?


Recognition of the Unknown

Last night Sonya and I went out for drinks at our newly acquired ‘regular’ bar and our ‘regular’ bartender where she has a ‘regular’ drink. I’m still having fun trying a bunch of different drinks and forcing Bartender to be creative, so I have yet to have a ‘regular’. While this isn’t something we’ve done a lot, it’s become a more recent addition to our weekly lives (3 visits in 3 weeks… Fair.) and each time our visits have resulted in at least 500 calories burned from laughing and lots of deep, personal discussions. So many things are the result of last nights drinking, but one that will stick with me for a while is what I finally was able to realize. Even if something is unknown, but you have the knowledge of it, you have to acknowledge its existence. There are certain situations where this is so much more difficult than others, but in the long run, it’s always best. Sadly, that’s all I can say about that topic for now.

It absolutely amazed me last night because even in the midst of a drunken state I stopped myself and no longer was it all about me. Just because you are going through a hell of a time, doesn’t mean those who you come in contact are perfectly fine. There are so many others walking around out there who are wounded, need some uplift and just need love. That’s the type of thing we have to be aware of. The ability to see more than what is happening in your life, and be able to reach out to others and love on them. As, aren’t we all meant to love each other? Isn’t that the greatest commandment no matter what you believe? I’m not saying we aren’t allowed to process the happenings in our own lives, by no degree at all. I want to make sure that everyone who reads these words understands that we as humans are all too good at looking at our own lives and not seeing anything else. We have to be open to seeing what’s occurring outside of our own lives, then is when it’s possible to really start taking the steps to your own healing.