Where’s the Focus?

Days like today, where it’s a never-ending headache and issues left and right, one can’t help but wish for there to be someone who they can reach out to. It’s so difficult not to when you’re used to doing so. It’s a really tough habit to break. I had been doing really well with the no-communication with my ex, but today when he responded to something I posted saying his day was equally rough, and he wouldn’t be in town yet I jumped over to Skype and just simply said “K”. Next thing I know we’re in a conversation – all about his day and how it’s rough. I was feeling quite neglected in the fact he hadn’t once asked what was making my day a living hell (I had asked him – something which has been more a normal than not in our relationship), so I finally went to lunch. Close to the end of the work day he messaged me again saying how he wished my day improved, I responded “…A little bit” and he jumped back into how his day hadn’t gotten better. Really? Just stop. He does things like this all the time which absolutely drive me crazy – but then he redeems himself by saying things like “I want you to enjoy your days and not spend time wishing anything could be different… I just hate the idea that there is time you don’t spend with a smile on your face… I just want to give you a hug.” This is the reason I’m not supposed to be talking with him right now and focusing on me. I hate the fact that even though I hurt him, and he hurt me, he still knows the things to say to me. I hate that I allow myself to be open with him even when it’s totally clear I shouldn’t even be talking with him. August, although it will be a difficult month, cannot come soon enough. It was he who said he couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust him, but now I’m not sure where I stand – I know I don’t trust him, that’s a definite. But does that mean I can’t miss him? Am I allowed to miss him? Why am I so ready for commitment, especially when I recognize growth is still necessary in my own life? Is it a terrible thing that I’m always looking for the “more” in life?

Ah, the joys of being young and, dare I say, still in love…

2 thoughts on “Where’s the Focus?

  1. I’m sorry that when you spoke to him he didn’t hardly give you the chance to tell him about yourself and really listen to you. You need someone to listen to you! You need someone who can just shut up and pay attention! I don’t think it’s a bad thing to still miss him. You have developed a history with him that I’m sure includes some good moments and times. If you didn’t miss him at all I might be concerned. It’s also great that you want more in life! If you want someone to talk to you can always email me at lackingunderstanding@gmail.com and I’d be happy to just listen. Everyone needs a place to vent. Take care.

    • Thanks, Scattered. Thankfully I have a few close friends which I can turn to and vent – but I’ll keep this in mind!
      I’d be concerned with my own soul if I didn’t miss him – that’s just heartless. When I’m involved in a relationship, I tend to give all of me which has come back to bite me, but one should never withhold love.

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